


Not In Love

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, All Roads Lead to Spirk, Angst, BAMFJIM, Bonding, Broken, Cutting, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartache, Love denial, Love recognition, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Protectiveness, Self-Destructive Behavior, Self-Harm, Self-Pity, Separations, Shame, Slow Build, Stilted Emotions, Stubborn Vulcans, Suicidal Thoughts, T'hy'la, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 04:45:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 60,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2534657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the end of the five-year mission, Kirk and Spock go their separate ways. Spock to New Vulcan and Kirk to Iowa. But eventually they are reunited in Riverside where Jim is also navigating his relationship with his mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One: Jim

“Why don’t you try telling him how you feel?”

Jim looked at Bones like maybe he’d lost his mind. “Seriously? Tell Spock I’m in love with him?”

Bones nodded. “Yes.”

“But that’s nuts. He doesn’t feel that way about me.”

“How do you know? You two are as close as can be. Two peas in a pod. Thick as thieves.”

“Enough with the clichés, Bones.” He took a large swallow of the whiskey Bones had poured him.

“The point is you two are joined at the…sorry. You spend all your time together. Even more so after Spock’s relationship ended with Uhura. We’re headed back to Earth, five-year mission concluded. We don’t know what they’re going to do with us next. Keep us together, split us up.” Bones shrugged. “What have you got to lose?”

What did he have to lose? Bones was right. He had everything to gain if Spock really did feel like he did.

That night was to be their last chess game before space dock back at Earth, so Jim decided it would be the perfect time to tell Spock how he felt. But after he’d gotten the words out, his heart nearly tore in half at Spock’s response.

“I am sorry, Jim, but I cannot share your romantic feelings.”

For a moment, Jim felt dizzy and then he felt such an ache in his chest, he wondered if he were suffering a heart attack. Of course he was, of sorts. Not the potentially fatal one, he guessed. Or was it?

It took every bit of self-control not to show his devastation. Spock was still looking at him. The unfinished chess game sat between them.

He forced a smile that was brittle enough to break his face. “All right. Thank you for your honesty.”

“Jim—”

“No, hey. Don’t worry about it.”

“Friendship is all I can offer you.”

Jim’s ears were buzzing and his chest ached like he’d been stabbed, but he kept that damn brittle smile on his face. “It’s fine, Spock. Friends it is. It’s your move.”

Spock’s gaze went to the chess game.

And Jim tried to figure out how to get his Vulcan first officer out of his quarters before he fell apart. If he feigned sickness, Spock would not be fooled.

Spock moved his chess piece and Jim tried to pretend he was focused on the game. He realized he was clenching his fists, so he tried to relax.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

He was never so glad to hear fucking Uhura’s voice. He stood and went to the comm. “Kirk here.”

“Communication from Starfleet, sir.”

“Great. I’ll take it. Give me one moment.” Jim turned to an already rising Spock. "Guess we’ll never get to finish that game. I was losing anyway. See you later, okay?”

Spock nodded. “Yes, Captain.”

When  the door closed behind Spock’s exit, Jim clenched his eyes closed and let the pain overtake him for a second. Then he pushed it aside for the communication.

****

“What do you mean he doesn’t feel the same?” Bones demanded.

“Just what I said, Bones. Spock isn’t interested in me. You were wrong.” Jim shook his head. “Just leave it alone. The sooner we get off this ship and back to Earth, I can put this all behind me.”

Bones looked stricken. “I’m sorry, Jim. All those times he hovered over you in sickbay. I was so sure.”

“It doesn’t matter, Bones. Okay? Just drop it.”

His friend looked like he desperately wanted to argue, but he finally nodded. “Okay, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”

He only had to get through a little longer and he’d be free.

****

“You want to get a drink?” Bones asked him. They were in San Francisco now and they’d just left a debriefing at Starfleet.

Jim shook his head. “My family has a tendency to pickle themselves in alcohol when life kicks them in the teeth. I think I’d better skip it right now.”

“Dinner?”

“I appreciate it, Bones. But I’m okay. I know you’re supposed to meet your daughter. You haven’t seen her in forever. I’m gonna go sleep for the next five or six days.”

“Jim—”

“It’s all good. I’ll get over it, Bones. Really.”

Bones sighed and hugged him. “Keep telling yourself that until it’s true. I’ll be in touch tomorrow. Okay?”

Jim hugged him back. “Okay. See you.”

And as he watched Bones walk off, for the first time in several years, Jim felt truly alone.

****

There were a few choices for Jim to contact once he got to his temporary housing. Because in spite of what he told Bones Jim did not want to be alone.

When Jim was alone he got to thinking deep within himself. And getting to that point was always a mistake. Then he’d turn to self-harm. Drinking, cutting, drugs, bar fights. He’d been down that route before.

So he chose the contact he knew would make him forget pointy-eared heartless Vulcans.

Later when the knock came at his door he was ready.

“Ruth!” He greeted the tall leggy brunette with a kiss. “It’s been way too long.”

“It sure has, Jimmy. I haven’t seen you since the academy.” She stepped inside his apartment. She smelled like flowers. “This is a great surprise though. You’re so famous now.”

He grinned. “Not really.” He closed the door and followed her into the living room. “You’re working for Admiral Stevens now, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s boring work but I get lots of free time.” Ruth sat on the couch and he sat beside her. “You look great, Jimmy.”

“You look gorgeous. What do you want to do, Ruth? Go have dinner or?”

She put her hand on his crotch. “How about the ‘or’? At least for now. Maybe I’ll wear you out enough for us both to be hungry.”

Jim pushed her underneath him on the couch. “Oh, baby, I’m counting on it.”

****

“So, what have you been doing this last week?” Bones asked him, eyes narrowing as they sat across from each other at lunch.

“Oh, you know.” Jim shrugged.

“Besides avoiding me, that is.”

“I haven’t been. I’ve just…been keeping occupied.”

“With who?”

Jim smiled. “Ruth. You remember her from the Academy.”

“Ruth?” Bones snorted. “Yeah, I remember her. She was a fucking bitch. What the hell, Jim? What made you look her up after all this time?”

“She was fun, I wanted some fun.”

“You were done with her for a reason, Jim. Remember? She got all stalkerish on you.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “She’s not like that anymore. She’s working for the admiralty.”

“Sure. This is about the hobgoblin.”

Jim laughed. “No, it’s not. He’s not even on Earth. I heard he went to New Vulcan or something. He always wanted to do that Kolinahr thing. You know, the purge of emotions bullshit.”

“Is that what he’s doing?”

“How would I know?”

“I thought you agreed to be friends,” Bones pointed out.

“Right. Spock agreed to that. I agreed to let him go.”

“Jim—”

“Chill, Bones. I’d think you’d be happy not to see Spock anymore.”

Bones grumbled. “I like Spock.”

“Since when? You did nothing but bicker with him for the last five years.”

“That’s part of my charm.”

“True. People part ways, Bones. Even friends. Do I wish things had turned out differently? You know I do. But Spock’s off to do whatever Spock does and I’m gonna have some fun.” He smiled. “All right?”

Bones sighed. “Yeah, okay. But he careful with Ruth, would you?”

Jim waved his hand. “Ruth is already history. We had a few laughs and a lot of sex. And off she goes. You know I don’t do commitment.”

“Does  _she_  know it?”

“Yep. Besides she’s got a boyfriend. A lieutenant commander or something.”

Bones stared at him. “Jesus, Jim. You fucked her when she had a boyfriend.”

Jim shrugged. “Well, I didn’t know. She told me after.”

“You’re a piece of work.”

“A piece of something that’s for sure,” Jim agreed cheerfully.

Bones narrowed his eyes. “You’re acting a little strange even for you.”

“Blah blah blah. You worry too much.”

“What are you going to do now? You still have leave for almost six months.”

Jim stabbed a fork into his salad. “Well, see, I got a message from the old lady.”

“Old lady?”

“Yeah, Winona.”

“You mean your mother?”

“Yeah, her. She wants to try the family bonding thing again. The last guy she was screwing is history, she says, and she wants me to come to Iowa and be a gentleman farmer.”

“You have to be a gentleman first.”

Jim grinned. “And that’s what I told her. Anyway, I guess I’m heading out to the old homestead tomorrow afternoon.”

Bones stared at him. “That soon?”

“No time like the present.” Jim shrugged. “We’ll probably drink ourselves to death out there. Who knows? Should be fun.”

“Jim—”

“Relax, Bones. You’re going to give yourself a coronary. I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Bones shook his head and muttered, “Damn fool.”


	2. Winona

“Hey, pal, you want another one or not?” the bartender demanded of Jim.

Jim stared at him and even as he did the guy’s face swam in front of his vision and then he turned into two ugly brutes. He shook his head.

“Fine.”

Jim grabbed the guy’s arm as he began to move away. “I meant yeah. Make it a double.”

“Suit yourself.” The bartender poured the drink and slid it over to Jim.

The place was a dump and as seedy a bar as you could get in San Francisco. Which is what Jim wanted. Sleaze all the way. He downed his drink quick and hard, and then got up from his stool after paying.

He caught the eye of a pretty little thing in the corner that kind of reminded him of Uhura. He flicked his head toward the entrance, and she headed for the exit after him.

They went for the alley, dark and ominous, filthy and anonymous. Just the way he wanted it, needed it. Against the wall, on top of the trash cans, fast, rough, and mind-numbing.

He paid her when he was done—this wasn’t the kind of place you got sex for free—and when he left the alley he wasn’t at all surprised to see two shitheads from the bar waiting for him. They intended to bash his face in for him, but they were in for disappointment.

“Hey, pretty boy, give us your credit chips and we might not fix your face for you,” one of them said.

Jim laughed. “Make me.”

“Oh, you’re going down, asshole.”

He shook his head and pulled his knife from the hiding place and jabbed it into his first attacker’s stomach.

The guy made a gurgling noise as blood spurted from his mouth and he fell face down.

Jim turned to the other guy. “You wanna be next, fucker?”

The guy looked down at his fallen friend. “Got another knife? Cause that one’s stuck in Max.”

Jim gave him a shit eating grin. “Nope. But I have a phaser pointed at your head.”

The guy looked at Jim’s hand and his eyes widened at the sight of the phaser. “Uh.”

“I’d run fast if I were you. My aim is pretty damn accurate.”

The guy turned and fled, leaving his buddy behind. Jim shook his head, reached down and retrieved his knife. The girl ran out from the alley, but she put her hands up as soon as she saw Jim with his phaser.

He shook his head and put it away. “Next time you and your friends plan to rob someone, you better choose your victim more carefully.” He nudged the guy on the ground with his foot. “He needs help, better call someone.”

Her eyes wide, she nodded as Jim turned away.

****

It was cold and rainy as Jim made his way to the shuttle hangar. He’d taken few belongings with him. What would he really need in Riverside?

He had a splitting headache and a vaguely queasy stomach so he sat in the corner on the shuttle and huddled into himself. Jim knew he currently looked like a guy you wouldn’t want to mess with and that suited him fine. He didn’t want idle conversation.

Bones had checked on him in the morning and Jim had assured him he was fine. Or as fine as he could be with the hangover he had. His friend had offered to come by with a hangover cure, but Jim had refused. He figured he deserved to feel this fucked up after the night before.

He must have dozed off on the shuttle because he jerked awake and it was landing. It hadn’t taken nearly long enough. He got off and stared down the street in the direction the farm lay in. It was a good long walk, one he could probably use, but he turned in the opposite direction to find the bar instead.

****

She was waiting for him on the porch as he got out of Will Atkin’s old truck.

“Thanks, man,” he said to Will.

“See you around, Jimmy,” Will called as he drove away.

She looked somehow frailer than the last time he’d seen her. Whenever that was. Jim couldn’t quite remember. She’d never been tall. But now she was petite and skinny and wore an old cardigan sweater instead of her Starfleet uniform. Her blonde hair was shorter too and liberally covered in gray.

“You look like hell, Jimmy,” she said quietly.

He hadn’t moved from where he stood after getting out of the truck.

“You should see the other guy,” he cracked, but she did not smile.

“I expected you this afternoon.”

“Well, Winona, I decided to get reacquainted with my favorite parts of town.”

She sniffed. “You’re a big famous starship captain now. I expected you to be different.”

“I’m still a Kirk,” Jim needlessly reminded her. He picked up his bag of stuff and walked up the steps of the porch. Her face was lined with age and hard living. He figured someday he’d look just like her.

“You hungry?”

He shook his head. “Not really.”

“Too much booze.” She turned and opened the front door. He followed her inside. “You should eat something anyway.”

“Little late to pretend to be the caring mama, don’t you think?”

Winona sighed. “Still a punk, aren’t you?”

“Who else would I be?” he shot back.

“I’ve got spaghetti almost ready. Sit your ass down at the dining room table.”

Jim went over to the table, set his bag down next to it and sat. “You didn’t have to go to any trouble,” he muttered.

“It wasn’t trouble,” she said. “Figured we had to eat anyway.” She leaned against the counter. “You’re not allergic, are you?”

He almost asked if it mattered, but decided he should try to be a little nice. He had agreed to this after all. “No, shouldn’t be.”

“I thought…well you know.”

“No, I don’t. What?”

She turned back to the stove. “I thought you had a boyfriend or something. That Vulcan.”

Jim laughed. “Spock?”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“I don’t have anyone.”

She was quiet as she dished out the spaghetti and brought it to the table. She put a plate in front of him and then sat at the seat beside him.

“You seemed pretty excited about him when you used to talk about him,” Winona said after another minute of silence.

“He was just my first officer. He wasn’t anyone.”

“You liked him, though, didn’t you?”

Jim thought that was putting it mildly. “He didn’t like me.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“No one likes me, Winona.”

“What?” She stared at him. “A handsome man like you, Jimmy?”

For a moment all he could do was try to taste the spaghetti he’d taken a bite of. When he’d swallowed it, he shrugged. “Well, see, that’s the thing. That’s all on the surface, isn’t it? Makes a good picture. But then when they dig deep, they find out what’s inside is rotting and they run away as fast as they can.”

Her fork clanged on her plate, but otherwise she didn’t reply and they both continued dinner without another word.


	3. I Don't Hate You

“Are you going to sleep out in the yard?” Winona’s voice came from the direction of the porch.

“Maybe,” Jim replied.

“It’s freezing.”

“I need to feel numb.”

“Come inside. I have a better way to make you feel numb.”

Jim turned, stared at her as she turned and went into the house. He sighed and looked up at the darkening sky. Why wasn’t he up there? If he could just be with his true love, the Enterprise, maybe it wouldn’t feel like someone stuck a burning pitchfork in his chest.

He went back in the house after her and watched her in the middle of pouring two full snifters of brandy.

“The family that gets drunk together huh?”

“Are you going to turn it down?” she asked, holding the glass out to him.

He grabbed the glass. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Living room?”

“Is it time for drunken bonding time then?”

She shrugged. “If you like.”

They went into the living room and sat at opposite ends of the couch.

“You hate me, don’t you?” Winona asked after several minutes of silence.

“Nope.”

“Is it because of Frank?”

Jim sighed. “I said I don’t.”

“I got rid of him as soon as I found out he was beating you, Jimmy.”

“I know.” He took two sips of the brandy.

Winona stared at him, eyes sad. “You didn’t tell me. There were times when you could have told me and you didn’t.”

“So it’s my fault.”

“I didn’t say that.” She eyed his glass. “More?”

Jim nodded.

She leaned forward and poured more into his glass and then her own. “Did he…did he—”

“Touch me?”

Winona’s breath hitched and she took a large swallow of brandy. “Yeah.”

“You don’t want to know the answer to that,” Jim said grimly.

“I guess I have my answer anyway,” she whispered. “He’s dead now. If it makes you feel any better.”

“I don’t know how it possibly could.”

Winona nodded. “No, I guess not.”

Jim finished the brandy and leaned his head back on the couch.

“Why are you here, honey?” she asked into the quiet.

“You invited me.”

“I know, but…normally you never would have accepted an invitation from me. You may not hate me, but you sure as hell don’t like me. We’ve never been a close family. I don’t even know where Sam is.”

“Me either,” Jim admitted. “Maybe he’s not even alive anymore. I’ve heard rumors.”

“You don’t seem upset by the idea.”

“Are you?”

Winona said softly, “He’s my son.”

“Like that ever mattered. You didn’t even have him with you on the Kelvin.”

“Space wasn’t a place for children.” She poured herself more brandy.

“Yet you were there ready to pop out a kid at any moment. Because you couldn’t be parted from the great George Kirk,” Jim said bitterly.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No? I’ve lived in his shadow all my life. Look what George Kirk did. Are you sure you’re _his_ son?”

Winona shook her head. “I take it back. You do hate me. Apparently for having the nerve to birth you.”

“Sometimes I think it would have been better if we blew up with dear old dad.”

“You’re such an ungrateful son of a bitch,” she retorted. “He gave his life so you could live.”

“And so you could,” Jim reminded her. “And what have you done with that life, Winona? Went from one stupid fuck of a husband to the next.”

“I know Frank hurt you, but you’d think you could just—”

“What? Get over it?” Jim laughed bitterly. “Get over that for three years when he wasn’t beating the shit out of me he was sticking his dick in me? Yeah. I guess I should just get over it. Why don’t you try getting over the fact that life kicked you in the teeth and stole George Kirk from you and you can’t ever get him back?”

“I’m sorry,” she said on a choked gasp.

Jim swallowed the heavy lump in his throat. Booze made him ugly and raw. He hated himself. “I’m sorry too.”

“Do you-do you really think Sammy’s dead?”

“I don’t know,” Jim said honestly. “I could make some inquiries.”

“Would you? I know he doesn’t want anything to do with us.”

Jim shook his head and reached for the brandy bottle from her and poured himself more. “Can you blame him?”

“You did, didn’t you?” she whispered. She scooted closer so she wasn’t on the other side of the couch.

“He left when I needed him most.” Jim shrugged. “I can’t totally fault him. Frank used him as a punching bag pretty hard. He saw an opportunity to get out and he took it.”

Winona nodded. “Still would be nice to know, you know?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Your friends, they didn’t want to come?”

Winona’s invitation had included Bones and Spock but he hadn’t ever told them. Thought about it for a minute before he’d told Spock how he felt.

“Bones had to see his daughter. He hadn’t for a while,” Jim said. “And Spock…well see I made a mistake with him.”

“What mistake?”

Jim downed the brandy. “I told him I loved him.”

“What did he say back?”

“He didn’t feel the same and wanted to remain friends.”

“Ouch,” she whispered.

“Yeah. I think he might have gone off to purge himself of me.”

She frowned. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. When Jim Kirk fucks you over you get fucked over for good, I guess.” Jim laughed and unscrewed the brandy. This time he took a swallow directly from the bottle.

“Do you hate me, Jimmy?”

“No, I don’t hate you.”

  


	4. Fixing a Hole

 

He used to daydream a bit about being with Spock, even when Spock was still sleeping with Uhura, and he’d felt guilty about it, but he had supposed what he thought about was nobody’s business.

Even during times he was with other lovers he would think about Spock. They never knew and so Jim didn’t really feel that guilty about it either.

He’d had trouble getting to sleep for years. Dating back to when he waited with dread for the late night visits from Frank and then after that with Tarsus, wondering if Kodos’ guards would come and take him away to die.

So Jim used to spend a lot of nights with his hand for company pretending it was Spock’s hand getting him off. Back then before his confession. He could still pretend Spock did love him.

_“I am sorry, Jim, but I do not share your romantic feelings.”_

The words, not meant to be cruel, stuck inside Jim with the suction of tentacles and wouldn’t let him go.

Those words had stolen from him the ability to pretend and so now when he could not sleep he just lay awake, listening to the nothingness around him.

When he lay like this at night, and the booze had begun to leave his system, and with it the precious numbness, his thoughts would return to Spock and he would go over their interactions in his head from when they met until the last day Jim saw him. He’d wonder where he went wrong and why Bones thought Spock might love him too. They were sad, pathetic thoughts.

Sometimes when he thought about it, Jim would feel like he was sinking to the bottom of the ocean and he was losing air, unwilling to fight to survive.

He’d finally drifted off but he was awakened from a nightmare by hands on his torso, shaking him violently, and he struck out in his sleep, until he was gasping awake.

The lights were on and Winona stood next to his bed, her eyes wide and frightened, her hair standing on end. There was a red mark on her cheek just under her eye.

Jim sat up and wiped his hand over his head, trying to calm his hammering heart. “Jesus.”

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “You were screaming.”

“Did I do that?” He pointed to the mark on her face.

Winona nodded. “Yeah, but you didn’t mean to.” She sat at the bottom of Jim’s bed. “It must have been a really bad dream, Jim.”

“Yeah.”

“What was it about?” she asked softly.

He had so many things he could imagine when he dreamed. He shook his head. “Tarsus. I was lying on a conveyor belt leading into an incinerator.”

She paled. “Did that happen?”

“Not to me, no.” Jim swallowed and buried his face in his hands. “Aunt Gladys though. They made me watch.”

“Did I do anything right?” she whispered. She stood up then, tightened the sash around her bathrobe and then left Jim’s room, closing the door behind her.

****

“What are you doing up there?”

Her voice surprised him and the hammer slipped and banged his thumb. “Fuck. Ouch!”

“Jimmy?” Winona called from down below.

Jim grimaced. “I’m fixing the fucking hole in the roof. What do you think I’m doing up here? Winter’s coming.”

There was a long pause. Then, “Do you know anything about fixing roofs? I was gonna get Earl Levenson to work on it.”

“I can fix a goddamn hole.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

He ignored her then and finished hammering the hunk of wood over the hole directly over the upstairs master bedroom. He finished and climbed down the ladder back to the ground. She stood waiting for him.

“Had to be fixed today?” she asked.

“I told you winter is coming. Shouldn’t have a hole in the roof.”

She bit her lip and nodded. “Did you hurt yourself?”

“I fucked up my thumb but I’ll live.” He scowled.

Winona handed him a cup of coffee, made just the way he liked it. He almost asked her how she knew, but it didn’t seem important. He took a grateful sip.

“How do you feel this morning?”

“Fine. Don’t have a hangover if that’s what you’re asking. I don’t really get hangovers. Not bad ones anyway."

She smiled a little at that. “Me either, actually. You must take after me with that. George used to get them like a bitch. Used to piss him off that I never got them no matter how much I drank the night before. Not that we went drinking that much,” she added as an afterthought.

“You know I think that’s the first time you’ve done that.”

“Done what?”

“Talked about what Dad was like.” Jim shrugged. “You don’t really mention him much.”

Winona sighed. “It’s hard sometimes, yeah. Especially in the beginning. He wasn’t my first boyfriend or anything like that, but he was the only man I ever loved.” She hugged herself. “I can still say that.”

Jim eyed her over his coffee cup. “Why’d you marry all those other assholes then?”

“To try to fix the hole in me, I guess. Only they just made the hole bigger,” she admitted.

He had a sudden lump in his throat. He had more in common with her than he wanted to admit to and he hated feeling sorry for her. For the longest time he wanted to think of her as the enemy. But maybe she was just as pathetic as him.

“I’m going to make pancakes if you’re hungry,” she announced.

“Okay.”

Jim followed her back into the house and removed his coat, hung it on the back of a chair.

“That PADD of yours beeped while you were outside,” Winona said, over her shoulder, as she began to pour batter into a griddle.

Jim picked it up.

_Tell me you got there safely. Bones_

Jim smiled a little. Leave it to Bones to always care about him.

_Yeah, I’m here. Give a kiss to your daughter for me. Jim_

He hit send.

“Your friend?” Winona asked.

“Yeah, Bones. I’d probably have died more than the one time if it wasn’t for him.”

Winona stiffened. “I hate talking about that.”

“The fact I died?”

“Yes. Your kids are supposed to outlive you.”

Jim thought about Sam. “I’ll send out a note to find out about Sam.”

“Thanks,” she said softly. “You know in another few weeks it’ll be December.”

“Yeah.”

She shrugged. “I was thinking we could maybe do a tree.”

“A tree?”

“A Christmas tree.”

Jim blinked. “Oh. Like a family Christmas tree with decorations and shit?”

“Well, yeah.”

“We didn’t do those when I was a kid.”

Winona flipped a pancake. “I know. Thought it might be nice for the two of us. We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I’ll think about it,” Jim told her.

She nodded and he sent the email about inquiring after Sam.


	5. The Family That Drinks Together

Jim sat at the small desk in the bedroom he’d chosen in the farmhouse. It was actually not his original bedroom. Not anymore. He’d slept in that room the first night he’d arrived—last night—when he’d had the nightmare, because he just didn’t think about it too much.

The more he did though, the less he wanted to sleep in the bed he’d been repeatedly molested in as a kid. The room was haunted with visions of Frank taking what he never should have…Jim’s innocence. Not that Jim ever was truly innocent. Not growing up in this house.

So, he’d moved his stuff into one of the guest rooms, figuring Sam’s old room wouldn’t be any better than his. He didn’t think Frank had done anything sexual with Sam, but really he didn’t know. It wasn’t like he and Sam ever talked about it. Or anything really.

He was checking his messages. He’d sent out messages inquiring into the whereabouts of Sam and also for information on Spock. Because Jim just liked to rub salt into open wounds, obviously. But he had to know Spock was all right.

Scotty had connections. That was the beauty of Scotty— that and knowing absolutely everything about ships—Jim could always rely on him to get information. Scotty had an underground network of informants.

Sure enough he had a message waiting from Scotty.

_Captain! It is great to hear from you. I’m getting a wee bit antsy on leave, if you must know. I’ve heard a few rumors we’ll be going out on the Enterprise again once leave is over. Those of us who want to, anyway. They definitely want you on again as her captain and me on as engineer._

_I’ll make some inquiries on your brother, Sam, Captain, and get back to you as soon as I have the information. I’ve put out my feelers already, so hopefully not too long before you get a wee bit of information._

_As for Commander Spock, you probably already have this information, but I have heard from Nyota that Spock is bonding with a Vulcan woman on New Vulcan as part of their repopulation efforts. Nyota says he is doing well._

_I will be in touch. M.S._

Jim read the last paragraph five times. It never changed. It said the same fucking thing every time.

He stood up and paced the room.

_Spock bonded._

_Spock bonded with someone else._

_Spock bonded._

Well, apparently though he didn’t love Jim, he found someone to make him happy. As happy as a fucking Vulcan could be, he guessed. And even though Spock had vowed eternal friendship to Jim or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be, he couldn’t even be bothered to tell Jim himself he was bonding with a Vulcan woman.

And that was it, wasn’t it? Part of him had still held out some unrealistic hope that Spock would be on New Vulcan ready to purge his emotions and then realize he couldn’t because his emotions involved Jim and he loved Jim after all.

That last remnant of hope, which tasted so damn bitter now, died. There was no magical happy ending for Jim. Not with Spock. And he only wanted Spock.

He sank to his knees on the floor. He would give anything for it all to end now. He wasn’t going to kill himself. No slitting his wrists or sticking a phaser to his head or anything. Jim just wanted the ground to crack open under him and swallow him up into an abyss of nothingness.

“Jimmy, did you want—” Winona stopped just inside the doorway of his room, which he hadn’t closed the door, he should have, and stared down at him. “What happened?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Nothing happened. You know what? I need a drink.”

“Okay,” she said cautiously. “There’s still some brandy.”

“That’s not going to do it. I need a lot to drink. I need to get so fucking drunk I have a buzz for a week.” Jim stood up. “I’m going into town to the bar. You coming?”

Winona looked thoughtful for a second, then she nodded. “I probably should go with you.”

“Excellent,” he said, brushing past her and out the door. He ran down the stairs two at a time, grabbed his coat and hurried outside. He needed air. He couldn’t really breathe in there anymore. He bent over, trying to catch his breath. He wasn’t winded. It was just too fucking much in that house.

Winona stepped outside a moment later. “Are you all right?”

_No, can’t you see that? Can’t you see I’ll never be all right again?_

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jim said. “Just want to get that drink.”

“You want to drive?”

Jim shook his head. “Let’s walk, like responsible drunks.”

Winona nodded. “All right.” She glanced up at the sky as they began to head toward town. “Might snow later.”

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and collapse in the snow and they’ll find our bodies when the snow thaws.”

She glanced at him sideways. “Nothing happened, huh?”

“Nothing that matters anyway.”

“I’d say whatever it is, matters a lot.”

“Mm.”

“Want to tell me about it?”

“No.”

“Might help to talk about it.”

Jim snorted. “It’s been my experience whenever someone says that it might help to talk about something, it doesn’t help fucking at all. Besides, you and I? We don’t have that kind of relationship.”

She sighed. “We could. If you just let me in a little.”

“No, thanks. Letting people in fucks me up every time.”

She didn’t say anything else after that and Jim was glad. It took about twenty minutes to get into Riverside and another five to reach the bar, but very soon they were seated at the bar, side by side.

“This is where it started, you know.”

Winona looked at him. “Where what started?”

“Starfleet. Right here. They were all here in this bar and I got in a fight. Pike broke it up and challenged me to join Starfleet and save the world.” Jim laughed without humor. “Wonder how he would have felt if he knew how things would turn out for him.”

“We all die, Jimmy. None of us are immortal.”

“Except Dad. His legend is anyway.”

The bartender came up to them.

“Hey, Cliff,” Winona said. “Scotch on the rocks.”

“Same for me,” Jim mumbled. “Make it a double.”

Cliff nodded and moved away.

“You’re pretty well known yourself,” Winona said. “I heard a lot about you over the last few years.”

Jim smirked as their drinks were set in front of them. “James T. Kirk son of the legendary George Kirk, right?”

“There was some of that,” Winona acknowledged. “And some talk of you being Pike’s protégé. But mostly it was all about the heroic James T. Kirk who’s saved the Earth many times over. Used to be people would say to me, ‘oh, you’re George Kirk’s wife.’ Now I get kids with starry eyes saying, ‘you’re Jim Kirk’s mother?’”

“Give me a break.”

She smiled. “I’m serious. Lots of women too. Apparently you’re swoon worthy.”

Jim took a large swallow of his drink. “Women like me. And I like women.”

“Do you?”

“Sure.” He shrugged, finished his drink. He gestured to Cliff for another. Noticed Winona hadn’t touched hers yet. “Are you becoming a teetotaler now?”

“No.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim noticed a guy hardly older than himself saunter up to Winona with a leering grin. Jim took a swallow of the drink Cliff had just left him, eyes on the guy.

“No, no,” Winona said to him. “I’m not interested.”

“Oh, come on, baby,” the guy said loudly. He put his hand on Winona’s leg.

“I think she told you to get lost,” Jim said with a smile.

“What are you? Her bodyguard?” the guy asked with a sneer. Jim could smell the sweat and alcohol coming off the guy.

Jim moved off his stool.

“Jim—”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” Jim whipped out his knife and held it under the guy’s chin with his right hand. He held the guy against the wall with his other hand. “Unless you want me to fuck you up, leave my mother alone.”

The guy’s eyes bugged out and he just stared at Jim.

“Jim, we don’t want any trouble here,” Cliff said.

“Jimmy, don’t,” Winona said.

“You won’t have any trouble, Cliff, if you get this fucker out of my mother’s face.”

Two bouncers came up to Jim and the loser and pulled him away from Jim. Jim returned his knife to its place and returned to his stool.

Winona shook her head at him. “Was that really necessary? He was just hitting on me.”

“No means no.”

She sighed. “I know. But he was probably harmless.”

“I’m not.” Jim asked Cliff for another drink.

“What’s happened to you?” Winona asked softly.

“I’ve always been an asshole.”

“Not like this. You’re so…bitter. It’s like you’ve totally given up.”

_I have. I gave up. Nothing matters anymore._

“Spock’s getting married,” he blurted out. “Vulcan married. He’s…maybe he even is already. They’re going to make Vulcan babies.”

“Oh.”

“Do they count as Vulcans when they’re only three-quarters?” He knew he wasn’t making any sense. He didn’t care.

“Yeah, I think so,” Winona said anyway.

It occurred to Jim that where his heart was supposed to be didn’t even ache because probably he didn’t have one anymore.

“I hate him.”

She put her hand on his. “Spock?”

He felt the inconvenient sting of tears in his eyes and forced them away ruthlessly. “I fucking hate him.”

“I don’t think you really do, honey.”

“Why couldn’t he just…why couldn’t he just…” Jim downed his drink, feeling it burn his throat.

“I don’t know, Jimmy,” Winona said softly. “I’ve asked myself a similar question for years.”

Jim eyed her.

Her smile was brittle. “Why couldn’t he have lived? Why couldn’t he have held his son in his arms even for a minute? There are so many why questions, Jim. And you never get the answers.”

“Well…that sucks.”

She reached for her own drink for the first time and downed it. “Yeah, it does.”


	6. Arrival

Jim woke early. Of course he never stayed asleep long in this house. It was still dark out and the little clock in the room said it was barely past five. He got up and showered, but didn’t shave and pulled on jeans and a red plaid shirt.

Though it was not yet December there was a bitter chill in the house so he hit the digital heater on the way down the stairs. He made himself coffee and then sat in front of his PADD, which he’d left downstairs the night before.

_Hey Bones_

_Hope you are having a good visit with your daughter. It’s getting cold here already. Last night my mother and I went to the local bar. It hasn’t changed much since my younger days. We’re getting along okay, I guess. I’m trying not to be bitter toward her or toward…other things, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Or brings out the worst in me, I guess is a better way of saying it._

_Anyway, I thought I could spend my whole leave here but I’m no longer sure that’s the case. I’m bored here and I think I’m drinking too much for my own good. We’ll see how it goes. Winona is talking about doing a Christmas thing here of all things so I guess I’m thinking_ _of staying through that anyway._

_Take care, Jim._

When the sun came up he got up intending to make breakfast, so he was poking around in the fridge when there was an insistent knock on the front door. Jim frowned, wondering which one of his mother’s neighbors had decided to pay a visit. Probably Earl. His mother had mentioned something about roof work. 

He considered ignoring it. Earl or whoever would come back later when his mother could deal with them. But whoever it was would not stop knocking. With a sigh, he put down his coffee and went to the door.

Jim wrenched it open. “Listen, Earl, my—”

The words froze in his throat and all he could do was stare rather in dismay.

Standing on the doorstep was his former first officer, Spock. He was dressed in black. Black pants and boots. Black hooded coat. Under the coat Jim could see he wore a black sweater.

The lines of his face were cold and severe. No warmth lay anywhere in the Vulcan standing before him. Mist swirled from Spock’s mouth though he did not speak.

Jim didn’t know what to say to this hard stranger, for that’s what he felt like, so he just stared at him, waiting.

“May I come in, Captain?”

And still Jim just stared at him. He felt a little crack in his frozen heart but he didn’t give into the thaw. Having hope was for suckers. And besides, he really had absolutely no idea why Spock was there.

“Captain.”

Jim licked his lips, swallowed and stepped back to hold the door wide for Spock to enter. Spock bent down to pick up a small bag and then he stepped inside.

Dumbstruck, Jim closed the door and then walked past Spock and back into the kitchen. He picked up his coffee and sipped it until Spock walked further into the house to the edge of the kitchen. He still wore his hooded coat. That might be for the best because Jim wasn’t sure he was staying.

“Why are you here?” Jim finally found words.

“Your mother sent me an invitation.” Spock’s spoken words were soft but without inflection, devoid of anything but just the simple words.

Jim frowned at that and turned his back on Spock.

“Am I unwelcome after all?”

Friends. They were friends. Spock still wanted to be friends. Perhaps Jim could manage that. If the truth were told he wasn’t any better at friendship than he was at relationships. Bones was an exception.

“No,” Jim said at last. “You aren’t. I’m just surprised.” He shook his head and turned to face Spock. “I didn’t think you’d want to come. When did she ask you?”

Spock did not reply to that, but instead walked further into the kitchen until he was almost standing near Jim. “Do you have a tea kettle?”

“Yeah.” Jim pointed to it on the counter at the other end of the kitchen. “Help yourself. I thought you were on New Vulcan.”

“I have returned.” Spock filled the tea kettle with water from the faucet. He still had not removed his coat and Jim still couldn’t fathom why he was there.

Jim almost asked him about his wife or bondmate or whatever, but closed his mouth. If Spock wanted to tell him he would. Otherwise it wasn’t his business.

“You can take your stuff up to the second room on the right if you want.” Jim lifted his coffee mug to his lips. “That is, if you’re staying.”

“Why would I not after coming all this way?” Spock asked.

Jim shrugged. “I guess I’m still not sure why you are. Riverside…it’s not terribly exciting.”

“What have you been doing since you arrived?”

“Drinking. Probably what I’ll do tonight, too. It gets cold here. Booze and women keep you warm.” Jim flashed a grin, forced, sure, but a grin nevertheless. “That’s Riverside. Not really a tour stop for Vulcans.”

“I am here for peace and meditation. I do not require entertainment from either you or your mother. If you wish to drink and consort with women, that is your choice.”

Cool as a cucumber as they said. Perhaps Spock really had gone through Kolinahr.

“You couldn’t get peace and meditation on New Vulcan?”

“It had become difficult,” Spock replied. “An isolated location such as this one seemed more suited to my purpose.”

“Yeah, okay. Well, sure. Stay as long as you want, Spock. That’s what friends are for.” He tried very hard not to put an inflection on the word friend but he had no idea if he was successful and Spock had the perfect poker face.

“I will return momentarily.” Spock left the kitchen, picked up his bag once more, and made his way up the stairs.

Jim shook his head. Winona had invited Spock? What the fuck for?  


	7. A Leave From Hell

The more Jim thought about Spock being there, even now setting himself up in a room of this hated house, the more Jim felt a panic attack coming on. He didn’t have them often. Not anymore anyway. Once upon a time in this very house they were frequent. He’d had a few so bad that he’d passed out, sometimes coming awake to find Frank standing over him zipping up his pants.

God, he hated this fucking house. This fucking family. And he hated Spock for not loving him. Yeah, it sucked. Life wasn’t merry for Jim. And maybe he should just buck up and take it, but there was only so much you could take before it broke you.

He turned away from making breakfast, grabbed a sharp knife from the nearest drawer and left the house through the back door. His chest ached from the effort to breathe, to keep his heart from just bursting forth out of his chest like some alien out of an old Earth movie.

He reached the inside of the old barn, which hadn’t been used in years, before he stopped. He doubled over, grabbing his stomach, feeling the nausea coming on with a gut-retching strength. This was a bad one.

Jim gripped the knife and cut crisscross along the skin of his left arm. He hadn’t cut, not like this, since he was a teen. He watched the blood ooze from the wounds he created like it was someone else’s arm, someone else’s blood…someone else’s pain.

“Jimmy!” Winona screeched, yanking the knife from his hands as she stood next to him in the barn, her face pale, her eyes wide. “What are you doing?”

Jim squeezed the cuts on his arm until more blood appeared. Winona threw the knife far from them and then grabbed his arm.

“I thought you stopped this,” she whispered.

“Why did you bring him here? Do you hate me that much?” He felt the sting of tears and he angrily willed them away. He wouldn’t cry for Spock. He wouldn’t cry for _any_ of them.

“What? No! I thought…if you could just talk…maybe it would help.” She bit her lip. “I’m trying to help you, sweetie. Not hurt you.”

“He doesn’t want me, Mom. Don’t you get that? You can’t fucking fix me.”

“I’m not trying to fix _you_ , Jimmy. Maybe your life, but not you. I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything in life that I could never give you. Is that so wrong?” Her eyes had filled with tears and she made no effort to will them away like Jim had.

He shook his head. “It’s not wrong. It’s just too late. For me. For you.”

Winona stared at his cut up arm. The bleeding had slowed and began to coagulate. “Do you want me to make him leave?”

“No.” Jim exhaled slowly, and then inhaled, trying to get some air into his lungs. It hurt. “I don’t want him to feel bad. It’s not his fault. Any of it. I’m the one who can’t get it together, not him. And he came all this way. I sure the fuck don’t know why, but he did.”

“Will you come inside and let me clean those wounds?” Winona whispered. A single tear had escaped and slid down her cheek. Jim rubbed it with his thumb and she smiled a little. “Please?”

He nodded, swallowed heavily. “I’m sorry you didn’t get a better son.”

“My son is just fine, thank you very much.” She turned then and walked out of the barn, toward the house.

With his control mostly back to the way it should be, Jim followed after her. Spock was in the kitchen making tea without a word. His black hooded coat was gone, but the black sweater he wore made him appear severe and unyielding. Jim didn’t say anything to him, just followed Winona into the downstairs bathroom where she was dabbing cotton balls with peroxide.

“I don’t know why we don’t have one of those fancy things,” she muttered.

“A regenerator?”

“Yeah. We’d have these taken care of in no time.” She dabbed the wounds, her gaze going to his. “Do they hurt?”

Jim shrugged. “Not so much.”

She reached up and stroked his forehead. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“That doesn’t—”

“I know it doesn’t. I still am. Okay?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

They left the bathroom together and Jim poured himself more coffee. He glanced at Spock who stood by the counter ramrod straight.

“You want some breakfast?”

“I do not wish to inconvenience you.”

“It’s no inconvenience. I’m making eggs anyway. Either you want some or you don’t.” Jim raised an eyebrow of his own. “So, do you?”

“Very well,” Spock said with a nod.

“Is that tea you have, Mr. Spock?” Winona asked him.

“It is. Do you want some?”

“Yes, thank you. Coffee upsets my stomach sometimes.”

Spock turned to the task of making her tea and Jim went into the fridge for eggs.

“You want some, Winona?” Jim asked, and he could have sworn the tip of Spock’s pointy right ear twitched.

“Sounds good,” she replied, as she took the mug of tea from Spock. “Thank you for accepting my invitation, by the way. Riverside can be rather inhospitable sometimes. I hope you’ll find it to your liking.”

“I am certain it will suit my needs.”

“Well, as long as you brought warm clothing, huh, Jimmy?”

Jim’s lips twitched. “Yep. Gonna snow soon. Maybe even tonight.”

“Good thing you fixed that hole in the roof. I still need to get Earl out here to give me an estimate for a whole new one.”

Jim shook his head at Winona’s small talk. She clearly didn’t know Vulcans didn’t do small talk. It was in their rule book or something. “Poached eggs and toast all right?”

Winona sipped her tea. “Whatever you’re cooking I’m eating.”

“Spock?”

“That is acceptable.”

“Poached it is.” Jim held back a sigh. This was going to be fucking awkward, that was for sure. He really wanted to ask Spock why the hell he had come but he had a feeling his former first officer would just tell him the same lame, ‘your mother invited me’ crap from before. Jim, his mother, and Spock. What a leave from hell.  


	8. Veronica

“So, I’ve been thinking,” Winona said into the uncomfortable silence of their breakfast.

Jim had sat at the far end of the table, as far from Spock as he could manage and still be at the same table, and Winona had sat in between them like a good hostess or something.

He paused his fork on the way to his mouth. “Should I be worried?”

“Maybe.” She shrugged. “Thanksgiving is just a few days away.”

“Thanks…what?”

“You know, Thanksgiving. It comes before Christmas. At least here it does.” She glanced at Spock. “I suppose you don’t have Thanksgiving.”

“We do not. Nor Christmas,” Spock replied.

“Well, that’s kind of dull, isn’t it?”

Jim sighed.

Winona waved her hand. “No offense, of course. The point is, well you know, it’s been years since I’ve done one. A proper one anyway. Maybe as long ago as when George was alive.” She bit her lip. “So, what do you think?”

Jim barked a laugh. “What do I think? Are you actually asking me to do Thanksgiving? Here?”

She nodded. “A small version obviously. Since you know, it’s only the three of us.” She glanced pointedly at Spock.

“Spock’s a vegetarian.”

Winona rolled her eyes. “I actually do know that about Vulcans you know. We’d get vegetable dishes, too, along with the turkey.”

“A turkey for just the two of us.”

“Yeah, so we’ll have leftovers. And we can get a small one. We can consider it like a dress rehearsal for Christmas.”

He was pretty sure she’d lost her fucking mind. A family fucking get-together? With Mr. Chilly here? But she looked so damn earnest and hopeful he couldn’t just tell her no.

“I guess we could get a little something together for it,” Jim said softly.

She smiled. “I’ll make a list and go to the store after breakfast.”

“A little something, remember. Don’t go overboard.”

“Of course not. Don’t worry, leave it to me, Jimmy.”

“I’m not worried and I’m happy to leave it to you believe me.”

****

Jim was outside in jeans and only his short shirt sleeves getting firewood when he felt Spock’s presence behind him. He knew it was Spock as his mother had left to go to the store a short time ago.

“You are not cold?”

Jim glanced over his shoulder, watching Spock stop just a few feet away from him. He had the black hooded coat on again and his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his coat.

Jim set the pile of wood he picked up down on the ground and straightened. “Not really. And I know I won’t be out here for long. Most of the time coats just get in the way.”

Spock’s gaze went to Jim’s left arm, focused there. “You are cut.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. He had no intention of explaining it to Spock.

“I have a regenerator with me,” Spock said. “I can heal them.”

He almost refused, thinking he didn’t really want anything from Spock. But he was supposed to be trying to be friends with Spock. Maintain the epic friendship they’d had—sort of—before he’d fucked things up with feelings.

“All right. Let me just get that wood into the house.”

“I will assist you.”

Jim shook his head. “No, thanks. I can get it.” He bent down and scooped up the wood and headed for the house. Spock followed behind. He set the wood by the fireplace and when he turned back around Spock was standing there already having retrieved the small regenerator he had.

Spock’s face was Vulcan blank, even his eyes were devoid of the warmth Jim had once been used to as he reached for Jim’s arm. “How did you injure yourself?”

“A knife.”

“You were in a fight?” Spock ran it over Jim’s wounds.

“No.”

Spock moved it away staring down at Jim’s now healed arm.

“So, uh, Spock, what are you doing here, really?” Jim asked, even though he had promised himself he would not.

“As I advised you I needed a quiet, isolated place. A location with a friend near seemed ideal.”

“And we are friends, right?”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“Are you unwell?”

“I suffer no physical ailment.”

Jim nodded. “I heard you bonded while on New Vulcan.”

“I did not.”

Jim blinked in surprise. “You didn’t?”

“No.” Spock did not elaborate and Jim didn’t feel like dragging it out of him because it was like pulling teeth and Jim wasn’t in the mood for guessing games.

Jim moved away from Spock out of the living room and over to where he’d left his coat the night before when he’d come home with Winona from the bar.

“Okay, so listen, I’m going into the town. If you want a fire, I’m sure you can figure out how to do it or get Winona to when she gets home.” Jim shrugged into his coat. “I won’t be home for dinner. And I probably won’t be back until late. So, uh, I’ll see you whenever, Spock.”

He nodded. “Very well.”

****

Jim came home with Veronica. He thought that was her name. He’d picked her up at the bar. Had sex with her in the parking lot and then decided to take her home for more. It was one-thirty in the morning and the house was dark. A light snow was falling as Jim opened the front door.

Veronica—if that was her name—clung to him, placing light kisses on his jaw. They got inside and she stumbled into a chair almost knocking it over.

“Shh.” He laughed. “You’ll wake up Winona and Spock.”

“Oh.” Veronica, tall and thin with brown hair, he had to have brown hair now, put her finger to her lips. “Being quiet.”

They made it up the stairs and almost to the room Jim had switched to when Spock came out of a room nearby.

Veronica said, “Oops. Is this Spock or Winona?”

Jim laughed again. “Spock, of course. Hey Spock.”

“Captain.”

“This is, uh, this is, uh, Veronica.”

“Ronnie,” she said.

Jim grinned. “Yeah, Ronnie.” Jim stopped grinning when he noticed Spock’s usual cold demeanor. “Sorry to wake you.”

“You did not. I was meditating.”

“Sorry to interrupt that. We’ll just, uh, see you.” He dragged Veronica into the room and closed the door behind them. She launched herself at him immediately kissing him and thrusting her tongue into his mouth.

He moved them toward the bed, pulling off her clothes as they went.

Afterward, he lay awake listening to her soft snoring. He sat up, swung his legs to the floor and rose to look out the window. The snow had stopped but ice sprayed across the panes of glass.

“Jim?” Ronnie asked groggily.

“Yeah?”

“What time is it?”

“Three.”

She sat up suddenly. “Shit. I gotta get home.”

“What?”

“My husband works nights. He’ll be home at just after four.”

“Your-your what?”

Veronica was now out of the bed and hastily redressing. “Can you drive me home?”

With a shake of his head, Jim grabbed his jeans and a flannel shirt and got dressed.

“Fuck! It’s freezing out here,” Ronnie complained as they ran for her car. Now that they were both a little bit more sober they felt the cold and the aches in their body. At least Jim did.

“Just get in,” Jim said. “I’ll start the heater.”

She did and Jim got it started and pulled the old clunker out of the driveway and down the dirt road.

“Husband, huh? Is he going to be coming to kick my ass? Or worse…kill me?” He thought it would probably be worse. But maybe not.

“Nah. He won’t even know about it as long as I’m home.”

He eyed her. “You do this a lot?”

She shrugged. “I like sex. And Riverside gets lonely. Especially when your husband works at night. This is it.”

Jim pulled his car in front of a little square house.

“I go to the bar a lot, Jim. Maybe we can hook up again?”

He smiled non-committedly. He didn’t like to mess with wives or girlfriends—husbands or boyfriends for that matter—if he was aware of it. Was always way more trouble than Jim needed.

Jim waited for her to get into her house, before he drove away. He almost didn’t go back to the farmhouse. He almost kept driving and driving like the kid he once was trying to get away and driving Frank’s car over the cliff.

But he was an adult now and what the hell did running away really do? You couldn’t really outrun demons. Jim had tried.

Still when he made it back he sat in the car unmoving for a long time. The air had gotten colder still and Jim suspected it would snow again soon. Probably snow all day the next day. Or later that day, actually.

There was a tap on his window and he looked over to see Spock standing there huddled into his black hooded coat.

Jim opened the door and got out of the car. “Hey.”

“I came to look for you.”

“Yeah? I was coming in.”

“Your friend did not wish to stay?”

Jim laughed. Spock had a lot of different ideas of what a friend was. “She wasn’t a friend. But no. And that’s just as well. I don’t really like to sleep with people.” He shook his head. “I mean _sleep_.”

“Oh?”

Jim sighed, looked up at the overcast sky. “I don’t sleep well.”

“You do not?”

“No. I hate sleeping by myself. It’s the worst feeling in the world to be so alone.”

“I do not understand. You just said—”

“I don’t really like sleeping with people. Yeah. That’s the problem. Why I can’t sleep. Anyone that sleeps with me runs the risk of me waking up and popping them in the face.” Jim shook his head. “I dream a lot. Bad dreams. The first night I got here? I clocked Winona in the face when she tried to wake me from one.”

Jim walked toward the house and Spock followed him. When they reached the house, he shook his head.

“This house…this place. Sleeping here is the worst.”

“Why?” Spock’s voice was so soft that for a moment Jim could almost believe there was a gentle tone to it. One that had existed once when Spock had spoken to him.

“Oh no. I don’t talk about that with anyone who is just a friend. Not ever.”

Jim went into the house then and up the stairs without looking back. 


	9. Thanksgiving

Jim lay awake as long as he could, on his back, staring at the dark ceiling, but eventually his eyelids fought for control with his mind and they drifted closed and the sandman would have its victim.

_He lay in this house, in his bed, which should have been safe, should have been a sanctuary, but instead had turned vile and evil as Frank came to him, leering and slimy, making Jim do things he shouldn’t have known how to do. Frank holds him down and Jim tries to fight him, but he turns into Kodos, who looks polished and proper, sophisticated and powerful, unlike Frank, and he holds out a plate of food for Jim._

_“See what it’s like to taste your Aunt Gladys. Nicely roasted.” Kodos smiles. “There’s no other food, Jim. You want to survive, don’t you? Come, dine with me.”_

_Jim shakes his head. Kodos is holding him down. Jim knows he’s asleep. He tries desperately to wake up._

_Kodos changes to Khan._

_“You should have let me sleep!”_

_“Fuck!”_

The pressure holding him down was gone and cool fingers grazed over his temples. Jim’s eyes fluttered open. Dawn’s light filtered through the soft sheer curtains covering the window. Spock sat on the bed, his fingers still on Jim’s face.

“Spock?” Jim asked, his voice coming out only as a hoarse whisper.

The cool fingers moved down his face, fingertips lightly brushing Jim’s cheek and then his stubbled jaw before disappearing altogether.

“You were having a bad dream.”

Jim swallowed thickly. “Yeah.”

Spock said nothing else but he stood up.

“How’d you get in here? I locked the door.”

“I broke the lock,” Spock said simply. “You were in distress.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Why do you lock your bedroom door?”

“Habit,” Jim muttered. There were no locks on the doors when he was a kid. He put them in later, after Frank died.

“Your mother has risen.”

“It’s Thanksgiving. She’s probably starting the turkey.”

“I will leave you now.” Spock turned and left his room.

Jim’s heart ached. It was like they barely knew each other. And it was all his fault. He never should have listened to Bones.

But hell. Was that really fair to Bones? His friend had just wanted him to be happy and Bones had thought Spock returned his feelings. This was not Bones’ fault. It was purely Jim’s for falling for Spock in the first place. He just needed to get over it and move on. And he would eventually. He had to, that was all.

Jim got up and dressed, not bothering with a shower or a shave. So he still smelled like sweat and sex and whatever the fuck else. What did it matter? He wasn’t trying to impress anyone.

When he got downstairs, his mother was messing around in the kitchen with the turkey she had bought, but at least she had made a pot of coffee.

She glanced at him when he picked up the coffeepot. “Jimmy, you could at least comb your hair.”

“Huh?”

“It’s Thanksgiving. You could try to look presentable.”

“For who?”

Winona sighed. “For me.”

He went into the fridge for the cream and added it to his coffee. Then he went to the bottle of brandy on the counter and added a splash of that.

“It’s still early,” she said softly.

Jim shrugged. “It’s a holiday.” He didn’t see Spock anywhere downstairs, but he decided not to ask. He was not supposed to care.

“It’s snowing,” Winona said into the silence.

“Figured it might. Got some flurries last night while I was out.” Jim peered at the bird. “How big is that?”

“Ten pounds.”

“Little big for just the two of us.”

She nodded. “Smallest one they had. So, we’ll have left overs. We’re also having mashed potatoes and gravy, and quinoa dressing with apples, sweet potatoes and hazelnuts. I found that recipe for Spock. Green beans, too. Dinner rolls.  And pumpkin pie.”

“You made a pie?”

“Yep, last night.”

Jim shook his head and leaned against the counter. “What are you doing, Winona?”

She looked at Jim. “What?”

“This.” He gestured to the kitchen. “This happy homemaker crap. This isn’t you. I mean, really, what the fuck? You were in space, and now this bullshit. In fucking Riverside?”

Winona turned her gaze to the turkey. “Well, see, Jimmy. I was grounded.”

“Grounded?” he asked with a frown.

“Yeah. My last psych eval didn’t go well. They said I was unstable and unreliable in a crisis. So, they told me my choice was to have my command stripped, be demoted, and assigned desk duty at HQ or resign. _Desk duty_.” Winona snorted. “What would you do if they wanted to strip you of your command now and demote you for desk duty, Jim?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

“Well, let me tell you, there was no way,” she told him, a definite note of bitterness in her voice. “So I resigned. And now, as you say, I’m in fucking Riverside. But at least I’m fucking trying, right?” She turned to look at him, her blue eyes sparked with anger. “Why don’t you try, huh? And go take a fucking shower.”

Jim just stared at her for a moment, but then he nodded slowly, feeling his gut clench. “Okay.”

****

When he came back downstairs after his shower, and a shave, he could already smell the scent of roasting turkey. Spock sat at the dining room table with a pot of tea next to him and his PADD in front of him. He said nothing and in fact didn’t even look up from whatever he was doing.

“Can I help with anything?” Jim asked Winona.

She smiled at him. “Want to make the quinoa dressing?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Jim got the recipe from his mother and started mixing it up. He was about to put it in the casserole dish, when Spock finally spoke.

“Your brother has been located on Rigel 7.”

Winona froze. “Sam?”

Spock nodded. “Nothing is known about his condition other than he is alive.”

Jim frowned. “How did you know we were looking for him?”

“Mr. Scott copied me on the response he provided to you, Captain. I had informed him of my intention to come to Riverside. No doubt that is why I was included.”

Jim wasn‘t sure he liked that, but he guessed there was no real harm in Spock being involved, even slightly.

“Rigel 7 is dangerous,” Winona said, biting her lip. “There’s a heavy criminal element there.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jim said. He was not surprised Sam was on Rigel 7. From what he had heard of his older brother he’d been heavy into illegal shit ever since he’d left Jim behind to be the special toy for their stepfather.

“If you would like, Captain, I will ask Mr. Scott to make further inquiries.”

“Sure, okay. I’m sure Mom would appreciate it.” He smiled at her.

She smiled back, perhaps a little too brightly. And then he realized he’d lapsed again into calling her mom. Jim shook his head at himself. She might not win mom of the year but he wouldn’t win son of the year either.

****

“This is good,” Spock said with stilted politeness as he ate several bites of the quinoa dressing.

“Glad you like it,” Jim replied, equally polite.

It was like the Thanksgiving from hell. The food tasted good and all. But the three of them sitting stiffly and awkwardly at the table next to each other trying to force conversation was nearly unbearable.

Jim poked his fork at a piece of turkey. It was snowing heavily now and there was a definite chill in the house even though earlier he’d started a fire and turned on the heater.

“How was your stay on New Vulcan, Spock?” Winona asked.

Jim tensed but stared down at his plate of food. He wondered what Spock would say. He wasn’t the type to talk about personal matters and even less so when it involved anything to do with Vulcan.

“It was satisfactory.” His tone did not invite further inquiry.

Jim almost smiled. Leave it to Spock to end a topic with three simple words.

“What’s it like there?” she asked.

Or maybe not. Winona was stubborn.

“It is a desert planet.”

“I know that. That’s not really the question though. I mean, what are your impressions of it. How does it differ from the original Vulcan? Do you like it?”

“Winona,” Jim warned softly, but of course she pretended like he hadn’t said a word.

“It was a logical choice for the colony given its close temperature and atmosphere to Vulcan,” Spock replied.

She smiled. “But…do you like it?”

Spock stared at her, cold and blank, closed off from the world. More than ever really. Jim hadn’t known telling Spock his feelings would do so much damage. But then, maybe it was something other than Jim’s unrequited love. He had no idea. Spock was as closed to him as a vault.

“No,” Spock finally replied. “I do not.”

And then the power went off leaving them in darkness.

“Ah, shit,” Jim exclaimed.

“Stupid snow storm,” Winona said.

“You do not have an alternative form of power?” Spock asked.

“This house is old I’m afraid. Hundreds of years. Always meant to have it updated, but no one was living here.” Winona sighed.

No one should still live there as far as Jim was concerned. It was a haunted place.

The lights flickered back on.

Winona smiled. “At least it didn’t last long. Still we should look for that old generator out in the barn tomorrow. Jim, what are your plans for tonight?”

“Going to the bar. You coming?” He needed to get drunk and laid. Or laid and drunk. Didn’t much care what order it was.

“Maybe. You want to come, Spock?”

“No.”

Jim almost laughed. Spock go to a bar? Laughable indeed. He stood up and started clearing their plates.

“Are you sure?” Winona asked him. “Place is kind of cozy.”

More like divey, Jim thought.

“I am certain,” Spock replied. “I must meditate.”

She got up from the table. “Okay, suit yourself.”

Spock always did as far as Jim could tell. He rinsed the dishes and then left them in the sink. He grabbed his coat and shrugged it on.

“I’ll wait outside.”

“Are you certain you should go in this snow storm?” Spock asked, almost like he actually cared.

Jim shrugged. “This is nothing. We’re used to this.” He went outside.

Less than five minutes later Winona joined him.

“You really can’t stand being around him much, can you?” she asked, unhappily.

“I’m working on it. It’s fucking hard though.”

“I’m sorry. I can see it was a mistake to bring him here.”

“Yeah.” He looked up at the sky as snowflakes fell on his face. “I know you meant well. It’s just…there is no happy ending for me. Not with him.”

She sighed. “Happiness only lasts so long anyway. Get in the car, I’ll drive.”


	10. I Have You, Captain

“You sure you don’t need a ride home?” Cliff asked Jim as they stood outside the now closed bar. It was no longer snowing but there was lots of snow on the ground.

Jim swayed on his feet. “No, it’s not that far. I should-should walk some of this off anyway.”

“I can call your mom.”

“Nah, she left with Earl. She’s gonna spend the night over at his place.” Jim hadn't even known his mom was that interested in Earl Levinson other than as someone to do the roof of the house. But she’d come to him several hours ago to tell him Earl needed a ride home and she was probably going to stay over.

“I can—”

“Cliff,” Jim interrupted in his most authoritative captain’s voice. “I can get home without help. Okay?”

“Yeah, all right.”

Cliff patted his arm. “See you next time.” And then Jim watched as Cliff headed in the opposite direction from where Jim needed to go.

Jim turned with a sigh. He was dizzy and fucking drunk as hell. And sore as fucking hell. All the drinking and fucking he’d done hadn't filled the hole though.

He started walking, pulling his coat tighter around him, trying in vain to block out the bitter cold. His boots crunched against the ice and the road sort of swam in front of his face.

Jim had been walking for about ten minutes when he stumbled over something in the road, a rock maybe, and he fell to his knees, slamming down hard on the left one.

“Fuck,” he groaned out loud. That would hurt when he was sober.

He tried to get to his feet but it was suddenly so fucking hard that he sat instead. While he was sitting there trying to make himself move it started snowing again.

“Fucking figures.”

Maybe he should have gotten a ride from Cliff. Or even called Spock. Did Spock have a car? Jim didn't even know how he’d gotten to the house from the shuttle bay in Riverside.

“Why’d you even come here, Spock?” Jim whispered. “I was okay without you.”

He wasn't really. He needed Spock. If not as a lover, then as a friend. Or was that really just the other Kirk? Maybe he’d gotten that epic friendship stuff mixed up with their counterparts from the other timeline. Jim didn't really need anyone. He’d gotten this far, hadn't he?

And where exactly was he? On the road in a snow drift probably getting frostbite and about to throw up on himself. Real smooth.

“Gonna just lay down for a bit,” Jim mumbled. He’d feel like getting up after a short nap.

****

Jim’s eyelids felt like they were stuck shut but he could feel himself rising from the ground. When had he gotten up? And why couldn’t he feel his feet.

“I have you, Captain.”

“Spock?”

“Yes.”

“What?” Jim realized now he was being carried in Spock’s arms.

“You were in the middle of the road, Captain. It would have been difficult to see you there before it was too late.”

Spock opened a door and Jim felt himself being lowered into a car seat. The door closed and Spock went around to the other side of the hover car.

“You have a hover car here?” he asked as Spock got in.

“Obviously.”

“Where has it been?”

“Behind the barn. Now conserve your strength until we get home.”

“That place isn't home,” Jim said bitterly.

“What is then?”

“The Enterprise. It’s the only place that’s ever felt like home. Or it did. Before…” Jim clamped him mouth shut. “This place, Riverside? It’s not home.”

“You were freezing.”

“Yeah.”

“Were you trying to harm yourself?”

“I don’t know,” Jim admitted. “Maybe.”

“Where is your mother?”

“She went with Earl.”

“She left you?”

Jim almost smiled at the sharpness in Spock’s voice. “She was drunk and wanted to get laid. Just like me.”

Jim closed his eyes and huddled into the seat.

“You engaged in multiple acts of coitus tonight.”

“Yeah. Well there were these guys. They took turns. In the back room over the billiard table.” God, he hated himself.

“Were you forced?”

Jim laughed. “Not the way you mean.”

“You've been self-destructing for a while.”

He shook his head. “No. Maybe. Whatever.”

“Your behavior is too dangerous.”

“I can handle myself.”

The hover car stopped and Spock got out. He came to Jim’s side of the car and pulled Jim out and up into his arms again.

“Walk," Jim tried to insist.

“No, you are in no condition to see yourself into the house,” Spock said coolly.

“You’re really warm.”

“I was not lying in a snow bank.”

Spock got them to the house and opened the door. ”We must get you out of these cold, wet clothes.”

“Trying to get me naked, Spock?”

“I think you have had quite enough of that tonight.”

Jim winced as Spock jostled him a bit going up the stairs. “Um, yeah I think you might be right about that.”

Spock opened the door of Jim’s room and gently set him in a chair by the window. He knelt in front of Jim and started removing his boots. “You do not appear to have frostbite.”

Jim licked his chapped lips. “I don’t think I was out there that long.” He frowned. “How come you came looking for me? And how’d you know where I was?”

Spock stared up at him, his expression closed off as usual. “You did not return,” he said softly, but did not elaborate further.

Jim was too out of it to pursue though, so he shook his head and leaned his head against the back of the chair. Spock continued to undress him and then a blanket was wrapped around him.

“I am going to get you tea.”

“Tired. Going to sleep,” Jim mumbled.

“Very well.” Spock scooped him up again and brought him to the bed, and laid him in it.

Jim’s eyelids opened halfway. “I hope I don’t have any dreams.”

“I will be here.”

“Here?”

Spock nodded. “In the chair.”

Jim frowned. “Why?”

“Go to sleep.” Spock’s fingers brushed his temples, and Jim closed his eyes.


	11. Seeing Dreams Unintentionally

Jim woke to daylight streaming through the cracks in the curtains covering his window. He scooted out from under the covers and peered through the window. It was overcast but no rain or snow currently fell, though there was still plenty of snow on the ground.

The chair previously occupied by his former first officer was empty, of course, but upon it lay a blanket. He picked up the blanket, and though it was not the softest blanket, he brought it to his face and rubbed it across his cheeks, for it smelled of Spock. He did not know how it was possible for the blanket to take on the scent of Spock over only a few hours but it had and therefore, for the moment, Jim basked in it.

His mouth was dry and pasty feeling. He stuck his tongue out and made a face. Even he couldn’t stand himself. He grabbed a robe his mother had placed in the closet shortly after he’d arrived there and went down the hall to the bathroom. He heard movement downstairs and was pretty sure he smelled baking bread.

Jim took a quick shower and shaved, though he didn’t think it did much to change the dark circles under his eyes. He looked and felt exhausted, though he hadn’t had any bad dreams last night that he recalled.

He returned to his room and pulled on sweatpants and a sweater, covering his feet with just socks. It was cold today and he wasn’t too keen on going back into the town. It would snow again later he was sure.

There was no sign of his mother when Jim made it downstairs. It was already ten o’clock. Spock was in the kitchen standing by the stove.

“Good morning,” Jim said.

Spock inclined his head. “There is coffee in the pot for you.”

Jim rubbed his neck. “’Kay. Thanks.” He went to the cupboard and pulled out a mug. “Winona not back?”

“She was here earlier,” Spock replied. “She said she had a few errands to do and would be back in the afternoon.”

“Ah, okay.” Jim didn’t want to admit he was maybe worried about her a bit. Yeah, she was an adult, but he didn’t really know Earl, and Winona had terrible taste in men, other than George Kirk, of course.

“May I make a query?” Spock asked. He bent down and opened the oven and Jim watched him take out a freshly baked loaf of bread.

“You made bread? Like from scratch?”

“Yes,” Spock replied. “The query?”

“Oh.” Jim poured coffee from the pot into his cup. “Sure.”

“Why do you call your mother Winona?”

Jim went to the fridge for the half and half for his coffee. “Uh. Well. We’ve always had a complicated relationship.”

“Meaning?”

“Not very close. She spent a lot of time in space.”

“And who were you with?”

Jim clenched his fist. “Someone else.”

He did not want to talk about Frank or any of them. Frank had been the worst, obviously, but he hadn’t been the only one to make Jim’s life hell.

Spock nodded slowly and sliced up the bread. He put it along with butter and jam on the table.

“Where’d you learn that?” Jim asked.

“My mother,” Spock said quietly.

And that was a closed subject for Spock. For both of them really.

Jim took a seat at the dining table and Spock sat next to him.

“You slept well?” Spock asked after a moment.

“I slept okay.”

“Your sleep is often troubled by dreams.”

Jim looked at him warily. “Yes.”

“These dreams. Are they dreams made up by your subconscious mind or are they more like memories of actual events?”

There was an odd tone to Spock’s voice. Like it was more than a casual question. Jim put his mug of coffee down on the table. “Memories. But…wait. What? Did you-did you look into my dreams?”

“It was unintentional.”

“Oh, my God. Those were private dreams, Spock. My private thoughts. You had no right.”

Spock stiffened. “As I said, it was unintentional. I did not seek to see your dreams but they are severe and readily come to the surface. Your mind is very susceptible to mine.”

“What does that mean?” Jim pushed away from the table and stood. “You know what? I don’t even care. Stay out of my head, out of my room. Jesus, why are you even fucking here? You were the one who wanted nothing to do with me. And now you’re here in this fucked up house I hate so much I want to burn it down.”

Spock said nothing, just stared at him solemnly. And really Jim had no idea what he had expected.

“You can’t keep doing this to me. You can’t act like you care and touch me and all that other shit. Because all it does is fucking gut me. That’s so unfair of you. You said what you wanted to say back on the Enterprise and I accepted that. Please don’t pretend you care about me. Not that way.” Tears pricked his eyes. “I can’t handle that.”

Jim turned and walked away. He almost went outside but then he remembered he hadn’t put on any shoes, so he headed back upstairs and to the bedroom he was staying in. It was hardly sanctuary. But it was away from Spock, which was what he needed.

Why then did he grab that damn blanket and wrap it around him to sit in the chair?


	12. A Christmas Tree

“Jimmy?”

Jim looked up from staring at the floor as the door of his room opened and Winona stood in the doorway.

“Oh, Jimmy.” She came into the room and knelt before him where he still sat in the chair with the blanket around him.

“Did Spock leave?”

“No. He’s meditating though.”

Jim nodded. He’d expected Spock to leave. Part of him had hoped he had. That perverse part of him that knew he was right. Nobody ever stayed around Jim for long.

“I’m sorry,” Winona said, laying her hand on his knee.

He met her gaze and saw she had tears in her eyes. “For what?”

“I shouldn’t have left you there alone last night. It was so fucking selfish of me.”

Jim shrugged. “No big deal.”

She bowed her head. “I talked to Cliff when I was in town. Why do you let them do that to you, Jimmy?”

He closed his eyes, his chest tightening, and his throat suddenly raw. “Because.”

“Because why?”

“Because I have a hole inside me the size of Frank and no matter how many cocks I take instead of his it never goes away,” Jim whispered.

Winona let out a sob. “No wonder you hate me.”

“I don’t.”

“I do,” she said brokenly. “I fucked up so bad. I’m sorry. If I could do it all over again…”

He shook his head. “No, you wouldn’t. You’d have done the same thing as you did. It’s cause it’s in us. In our blood to have us fuck up.”

“Do you really believe that?” Winona whispered.

“Yes.”

She sighed. “Perhaps you’re right. Maybe it really is too late for us then. Was it a mistake to have you come here?”

“I hate this place,” he admitted. “I want to burn it to the ground. But the truth is, it’s not this place that’s the problem. It’s the place inside my head. And I’ve been trying to burn that down for years.”

“You never did well with doctors. I did try to get you help,” Winona reminded him softly.

“You did,” Jim acknowledged. “I never wanted to talk to any of them so they couldn’t help me.”

“What can help you?”

Jim gave her a ghost of a smile. “I wish I knew. Being in space is where I want to be. Being here, being anywhere really, other than the Enterprise doesn’t make sense for me.”

“I get that,” Winona said. “I felt that way once. But space…that dream? It took everything from me.”

He reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I know. Who is this Earl guy, Mom? Is he anyone important?”

“Earl? Well, he’s no Frank, that’s for sure.” She bit her lip and shook her head sadly. “But he’s no George either. I know I shouldn’t think like that.”

Jim knew he would feel the rest of his life exactly like that with Spock. None of them, whoever he was with, was Spock.

“You love who you love,” Jim told her. “And you can’t change that or force something you don’t feel.”

“No. But Earl’s a nice man. He’s not like the others, Jimmy.”

“Maybe you could invite him for dinner one night while I’m here, okay? If he’s going to be something to you, I should meet him, right?”

Her smile was watery but it was there. “Okay, yeah.”

“Where’d you go earlier?”

“Oh.” She turned a little red. “I brought back a Christmas tree and some lights and ornaments.”

“You did?” Jim asked with a little laugh.

“Yeah. I mean totally old-fashioned and silly I know.” She looked away. “But I thought maybe for a moment it could make you smile. Just a little. You have the best smile in the world, honey, and I hardly ever get to see it.”

He squeezed her hand tighter. “Let’s go decorate it then.”

She looked at him in surprise. “Really?”

He smiled. He knew it was strained but it was a smile just the same. “Really.”

She rose up from her knees and then reached her hand out to help him up and when he stood to his surprise, she hugged him. It was not a long hug, just very quick, but so tight it could have popped his ribs. But it was over in a flash and she was hurrying from the room and down the stairs.

Jim followed at a much more sedate pace. There was no sign of their Vulcan houseguest but his mother had said Spock was meditating.

Winona was in the kitchen pouring them both coffee. She handed his mug to him. “Do you-um-want anything in it?”

Jim shook his head. “Just half and half.”

She smiled brightly. “Me, too.”

They went to the living room where she had left the tree, which was about Jim’s height and very fragrant. Next to it was boxes of ornaments and lights.

“You want a fire?”

“Yes. That would be lovely.”

So Jim started a fire and Winona started stringing lights on the tree. He watched her for a moment, wondering what it would have been like to have George and Winona Kirk there as real parents with their sons, Sam and Jim. But of course that was a dream that could never be. Not for him. Not for her. Maybe in another Kirk’s life.

He picked up a box of ornaments as the back door opened and he and Winona turned to see a bundled up Spock entering the house.

“It has begun to snow,” Spock announced.

“You’re just in time, Mr. Spock,” Winona said. “Jim has started a fire and we’re about to decorate the Christmas tree.”

Spock arched a brow. “Indeed.”

Jim handed a box to Spock. “Here. You know how to do it?”

“I hardly think it is complicated, Captain.”

Jim laughed at that. Spock sounded so snooty how could he not? In spite of everything.

“Want some coffee?” Winona asked Spock.

“No. But I will get some tea.”

Jim turned back to the tree as Spock went to get himself some tea. “Can we have pizza for dinner?”

Winona laughed. “Pizza? God, you sound just like a little boy.”

“Maybe. Can we?”

“Yes, I think we can have whatever we want.” She pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear. “Your hair’s getting a little long. That can’t be regulation.”

“Nope,” he agreed.

Spock returned and opened his box of ornaments. As Jim watched he noticed Spock put them all in a row and color coordinated.

“You would have had an interesting Christmas tree as a child, Spock.”

“We did not put up a Christmas tree.”

“Then it is a new experience for all of us,” Winona said.

Spock glanced at Jim. “You did not have one as a child?”

Jim tensed just a little. “No. Never.”

He looked at Spock then and Spock’s dark eyes were softer and warmer than they’d been in a long time. Spock then went back to putting up the ornaments.


	13. You Can't Help Me

“How are things with your daughter?” Jim asked through the PADD he held in his hands out in the barn.

“Really good,” Bones said. “We’re having a great time. I’ve not been able to spend holiday time with her since she was a baby.”

Jim smiled. “That’s great, Bones. I’m happy for you.”

“How are you, Jim? Things going okay with your mom?”

Jim had not told Bones that Spock was there. If he knew his friend, he would drop everything to show up and offer comfort to Jim and that was the last thing Jim wanted Bones to do. His friend deserved this time.

“They’re going all right. We put up a Christmas tree yesterday.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, weird, but we did. Anyway, don’t worry. I’m keeping busy and we haven’t killed each other yet.”

“All right, Jim. I’ll check in with you in a few days.”

“Okay. Take care, Bones. And give Jo a kiss for me.”

“Will do.”

And Bones winked out.

Jim leaned against the wall of the barn. Most of the time this structure had offered him time away from Frank. Back then, he’d come in here and hide when he could. It hadn’t always worked. There’d been one particular time when Frank was shit-faced drunk and found him out here. His stepfather had beat him bloody and then raped him. Again.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Sometimes he wished he really could burn it all down. Watch the embers glow as it burned to oblivion. But in his fantasies Frank generally burned with it all. Frank was gone though. Fucking buried forever. He sometimes thought of digging up Frank’s bones and killing the fucker all over again.

Jim pulled out the knife from his pocket. This one was a steak knife he’d gotten out of the kitchen drawer without his mother noticing. Actually his mother and Spock had been playing chess when Jim had left the house. Neither of them had even looked up as he slipped outside.

A couple of slices across his forearm and the bright red blood appeared. There was a sting, but it dulled fast, to become the usual numbness as drops of blood fell to the barn floor.

He heard the soft fall of footsteps mere seconds before Spock appeared, but it was Spock he had expected. That quiet footfall had not been Winona.

Spock’s eyes went immediately to the knife Jim still clenched and then his gaze switched to the blood coagulating on Jim’s arm.

Spock said nothing as he took the knife from Jim’s grip easily. Jim watched, startled, when Spock used the very tip of the steak knife to prick his own finger and a drop of green blood appeared. Spock squeezed that drop of blood into some of the blood on Jim’s arm and they both watched wordlessly as their blood mingled.

Jim swallowed and lifted his gaze finally to see that Spock was staring at him. “What was that?”

“Does that not make us blood brothers by Earth culture?”

“I…yeah.” He licked his chapped lips. “Yeah.”

“Friends. Brothers.” Spock spoke softly, almost reverently.

Jim shook his head and covered his new wounds with his other hand. “I thought you were playing chess.”

“We concluded our second game, which I also won.”

“Yeah, Winona never was very good at chess.”

“Did you come out here only to cut yourself?” Spock asked, blunt as ever.

“No. I spoke with Bones.”

“How is the doctor?”

“Good. He’s with his daughter.”

“I was surprised you chose not to go with him.”

“Nah,” Jim said. “He deserved the time away from me.”

Spock raised his brow. “I doubt the doctor views it that way.”

“I meant, you know, his duties. He never seems to shut them off. So, yeah, this is good for him.”

“He is your friend,” Spock said quietly. “I do not believe he views your friendship and his medical attention to your welfare as a duty.”

Jim had nothing to say to that, so he did not answer.

Spock put the steak knife in his coat pocket. “Have you always cut yourself in this manner?”

“No. It-it started when I was a teen. After-after Tarsus.” A lump formed in his throat so big he could hardly swallow past the pain. “The doctors…they tried to get me to stop. And I have for the most part.”

“When was the last time before your recent visit to Riverside?”

“Years. Years ago, Spock. You’ve seen my dreams, so you know what it was like.”

“Only a small part of them.”

“That’s probably for the best. They’re too much for anyone to handle.” He straightened and went to walk past Spock, but Spock reached out and closed his hand around Jim’s wrist. Jim’s gaze flew to Spock’s face. “What?”

“There is no need for you to endure your torment alone.”

“Yes, actually there is,” Jim whispered. “I’ve been enduring it, as you say, for years by myself.”

“You have friends now who can share your burdens.”

“That’s exactly it, Spock. Burdens. And they are mine. I’ve learned over the years that you don’t keep friends if you share shit like that with them.”

“You are wrong, Jim. I have been and always shall be your friend no matter what you have come to think of me. You sought to send me away before with angry words, did you not?”

“Your leaving would be for the best.”

“And it would fulfill your idea of exactly what you expect of me. And of others. But I will pass that test. For I did not leave. And I will not leave.”

Jim felt the telltale sting of tears forming in his eyes and he was mortified by his weakness. “Please, don’t.” He tugged at his wrist.

“I wish only to help you.”

“You can’t.” This time when he pulled at his wrist, Spock released him. “You can’t.”

He turned and walked out of the barn and toward the house.


	14. Watershed

When Jim got inside the house he found a note from Winona saying she’d gone to the store for more half and half.

She’d left the tree lit and for a moment he just stood next to it, staring at it. He’d always wanted a tree as a kid, but they’d never had one. His mom had been in space most of the time and the men she was with didn’t really care to make a couple of small boys very happy.

Before Frank, Jim and Sam had spent a little time on a space station with their mom. Even the station hadn’t had any Christmas trees. When Winona married Frank and moved back here to her family’s home in Riverside, she’d only stayed six months before she was gone again.

And Frank? Christmas was a waste of money and stupid besides.

As for the Enterprise, Jim had volunteered for Christmas shifts so the crew could have the time for whatever celebrations they saw fit.

“Jim,” Spock spoke softly behind him.

He stiffened. “Tree probably needs water. Real trees need some or they get too dry.”

“May I make a personal query?”

Jim blew out a breath, feeling his whole body becoming tension filled knots, but he nodded even as he continued to stare at his first Christmas tree.

“You were responsible for the death of your stepfather, were you not?”

Jim turned around, startled, his eyes no doubt bugging out. “How-how did you know that? From my head again?”

Spock looked grave. “Negative. It was an educated hypothesis. Knowing what I know of you as well as what I would have done under those circumstances myself if it had been me, I assumed. Then I am correct?”

Jim turned back to the tree, his vision blurring for just a minute, before he focused gain. The knots coiling through his body seemed to tighten so that he was surprised he didn’t snap like rubber bands.

“I’ve never told anyone. It was…after Nero, before Pike was killed by Khan. Frank found out where I was and just showed up where I was staying.” He closed his eyes.

“You do not have to tell me.”

Jim swallowed but he couldn’t get any saliva. His throat was dry, raw. “I don’t know what he wanted exactly. He said we should have dinner but I told him I didn’t want to see him. He got angry and hit me. Knocked me across the room. And then I had my knife in my hand.”

“If it is too painful—”

“I stabbed him. So many times, I can’t even tell you how many times. I just know…it wasn’t enough. ” He shook his head. “I thought I would get satisfaction from that. That I’d feel better. But I felt just as hollow as I ever did. I called Pike and he came and took him away.”

“I would have done it for you if you had asked,” Spock said, his voice still whisper soft.

“I know. Bones, too, I’m sure. But I couldn’t ask that of anyone. If I knew where Kodos is I’d do the same thing. Or maybe not. Probably wouldn’t matter then either.”

“From Tarsus?”

“Yeah.” Jim sighed. “You know all my secrets, don’t you?”

“Not all, no. You can trust me with any of them. I know I am a disappointment to you, but my place is by your side.”

Jim shook his head. “That was another Kirk, another Spock. I don’t hold you to it.”

“I hold myself to it. I meant what I said on the Enterprise and outside just a moment ago. I am and always will be your friend, Jim.”

He forced the knots to loosen as he released a heavy breath and turned around. It took all the strength in the world he had left, but he managed it. A smile.

“Thank you, Spock. I accept your friendship. You and Bones are my closest friends. Sometimes my only friends.”

Spock nodded, solemn as ever. “I require meditation, if you do not mind. I can postpone it if you require company.”

“No, go ahead. I’m going to check the water on the tree and chop some more wood for the fire. I’m good.”

Jim waited for Spock to go up the stairs, then he checked the tree stand, found it was fine for water, and then went outside. He got the axe from the barn and went to the wood pile to chop the wood into smaller serviceable pieces.

He allowed the tears to flow freely down his face as he chopped. He’d never have Spock the way he wanted, but no Spock in his life would be too unacceptable. Though Jim wanted more from Spock, so much more it was an ache in his soul, he’d meant what he said to Spock. He accepted his friendship and treasured it.

Once upon a time Jim had imagined he’d be alone his whole life, never finding a partner to share his life with, and for a brief time he’d forgotten that, believed for a time he might get luckier than he thought. Now reality came. There would never be another who would capture his heart the way Spock did.

And so his love, his undying love, would be for space and the Enterprise. It would have to be enough, no matter how hollow it felt just then.


	15. Part Two: Spock

Jim leaned into the driver side of the old truck. “Uh, Spock, you can let go now.”

Spock felt his stomach do another flip. “I am not so certain.”

“But I’ve stopped the truck. We’re here at the store.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. “It feels as though we are still moving.”

“You just need your sea legs.”

“There is no sea,” Spock pointed out.

“Just an expression. You do look green. I mean more than usual.” Jim offered him a smile. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Captain, while there are many things you excel at, your driving leaves much to be desired.”

“Too fast?”

“To put it mildly. I will drive us back to the farmhouse.” Spock twisted the handle of the truck and opened the door. He dropped to the ground and swayed on his feet.

“Do you even know how to drive a car?”

“There is no possible way I could do worse than you,” Spock replied.

To his surprise, Jim laughed, and it was a sound that went right through Spock and made him feel lighter than he’d felt since he arrived in Riverside. There had been a strange change to Jim the day before when he’d admitted to killing his stepfather. Though in Spock’s mind it had been self-defense. Ever since their conversation where Jim had accepted Spock’s friendship, Jim’s demeanor had changed to light and easygoing. He had even been playful with his mother last night. Spock did not understand the change at all. And he also did not trust it. There was something just beneath the surface that was dark and ominous.

Spock had been surprised when Jim had invited him Christmas shopping and ordinarily Spock would find absolutely no pleasure in such activity but he did not want to leave Jim alone for any long period of time.

“Come on, Spock, the store’s waiting,” Jim declared.

Spock was gratified that Jim had begun to speak with him again. He had anticipated when he had decided to come to Riverside at the urging of Winona Kirk that his welcome would be less than friendly. They had not parted well on the Enterprise. Perhaps if Spock had realized why Jim wanted to see him that night when he had requested a game of chess, he would have been prepared, but he had not. He had never expected those words to fall from Jim’s lips.

  _“I’m in love with you, Spock. And I don’t know if you feel the same way about me, I think you do, maybe, and I’ve probably waited too long to tell you. But since it’s almost the end of the mission, I can’t wait any longer.”_

_Jim had looked so vulnerable, so hopeful. His blue eyes had been pleading with Spock to say the right words._

_“I am sorry, Jim. But I cannot share your romantic feelings.”_

_“You-you don’t?” Jim whispered, all the hope, all the tenderness winking out in an instant._

_It was not what Spock had said. He had not said he did not, but he could not. Jim did not seem to notice the difference and Spock did not correct him._

_Jim smiled then, but it was a ghastly smile. “_ _All right. Thank you for your honesty.”_

_“Jim—”_

_“No, hey. Don’t worry about it.”_

_“Friendship is all I can offer you._ _I wish to remain your friend _,” Spock had replied. “Always.”__

_“It’s fine, Spock. Friends it is. It’s your move.”_

_Spock’s gaze went to the chess game._

_Jim had turned from him. Closing off so thoroughly, Spock felt the chill in the room._

_“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”_

_Spock had been glad to hear Nyota’s voice interrupting them._

_Jim stood and went to the comm. “Kirk here.”_

_“Communication from Starfleet, sir.”_

_“Great. I’ll take it. Give me one moment.” Jim turned to an already rising Spock. "Guess we’ll never get to finish that game. I was losing anyway. See you later, okay?”_

_Spock nodded. “Yes, Captain.”_

That had been the last real conversation they’d had until Spock arrived in Riverside. Jim had turned to all business for their remaining days on the Enterprise. He gave Vulcans a run for their money as far as emotionless.   

Spock had gone to New Vulcan, intent on Kolinahr, and now here he was. With a man more broken than Spock had ever imagined. Jim might be psi-null but he was shuttered tight against Spock, against his mother. And this new Jim was a façade.

Jim opened the door of the store for Spock with a smile. It looked like Jim’s normal smile, but it was only his mouth. His eyes, usually so full of life, were lifeless and cold.

Spock entered the store.

“I really have no clue what to get Winona,” Jim said.

“She offered no suggestions?”

“Nope, none. And I’ve never bought her a gift before, so I’m not even sure what she likes. Other than booze.” Jim frowned. “And I really don’t want to encourage more of that.”

“You have never bought her a present?”

“No. We didn’t do Christmas. I might have made her a few things in school but most of the time she was in space and they got destroyed before she ever got them.”

“Destroyed by whom?”

Jim shrugged. “Frank, mostly. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.” He headed into the ladies section of the store. “I don’t even know her size. And she doesn’t wear scents.”

“Who else do you need to get a present for?” Spock wondered.

“I should send something to Bones, so don’t let me forget that when we get back. And his kid. And I guess, other than Winona, you.”

“Me?” Spock asked, surprised.

“Well, I didn’t think you’d want to be the only one left out on Christmas morning. You have to have some present.”

“It is entirely unnecessary.”

“Presents aren’t supposed to be necessary, Spock.” He stopped at a purple coat. “This is kind of cool.”

“Is it not supposed to be warm?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I think medium will fit her.” He pulled it off the rack. “Let’s keep looking.”

Spock followed him dutifully around the store while he picked up a few more items for his mother.

“What do you want?” Jim asked Spock.

“I have advised you that a gift is not necessary.”

“You really aren’t going to make this easy, huh?” Jim shook his head. “Okay, fine. Meet me out front where we pay in fifteen minutes.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim shook his head and sighed, heading down an aisle.

It occurred to Spock then that he should probably choose gifts for Winona and Jim. And he only had fifteen minutes in which to choose them.

****

Spock paused outside the door of the bathroom. The shower was running, had been running, for a long time. Jim was inside. He rested his hand on the door, but it did not tell him what Jim was thinking or feeling. He needed to touch his friend to know that and Jim had been very careful to avoid all attempts by Spock for any sort of physical contact.

But he did not need telepathy to know that in spite of Jim’s forced cheerfulness, waves of despair were coming off of him that could not be quashed. And the fact he had been in the shower for thirty-five minutes already concerned Spock.

He could hardly break through the door, so with reluctance, he went down the stairs and to the kitchen to make himself tea.

Winona was there sitting at the dining room table with a mug of something in her hands. It smelled suspiciously like coffee laced with alcohol. She smiled at him.

“Hello, Mr. Spock.”

“Good evening.”

“Where’s Jim?”

“I believe he is in the shower.”

She nodded, then lapsed into silence for several moments. Spock joined her at the table with his tea.

“I may have been wrong about inviting you here,” she said after a few more minutes. “I thought you could help him.”

“You were not wrong.”

She bit her lip. “He was so upset when he found out, though. I was torn between you and Leonard McCoy. Perhaps I should have contacted him instead.”

Spock shook his head. “Negative. Dr. McCoy would not have been the right choice.”

“I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have interfered at all. I just want him to be happy, but the problem is I don’t even know him, how am I supposed to know what makes him happy?”

Spock privately thought that bringing Jim to this house was not the best decision and that ought to be the choice she should second guess. But perhaps Jim needed someone to know, and if that were the case, Spock was the best choice.

They both turned to look at the stairs when the sound of footsteps alerted them to the impending arrival of Jim. Spock did not fail to notice that Jim was the catalyst in this house for both of them.

“Well,” Jim said cheerfully. “Isn’t this cozy?”

“Want some coffee?” Winona offered.

“No, I think I’ll have some of that tea Spock drinks.”

Spock rose. “I will make it for you.”

“Oh, I can manage it.”

Spock arched a brow. “I am certain you could, however, if you will sit, I will get it for you.”

Jim sat next to Winona and eyed her coffee. “Brandy?”

“Just to warm me up a little,” she replied with a little sniff.

“We could put on the heat.”

She slammed down her mug. “Give me a fucking break. So I want a little brandy in my coffee. It’s not a crime.”

Jim flinched, almost like he’d been struck, and Spock took a step toward him without even really thinking about it, to do what, Spock did not know.

“Okay.” Jim’s voice was soft, almost inaudible. And Spock was very much reminded of the little boy he’d seen in Jim’s dreams. Cowering from the monsters that would harm him.

Spock took a few more steps until he was standing between Winona and her son. She glanced up at him, startled. Her face crumbled.

“I’m-I’m sorry, Jimmy. Forget I said that.” She pushed the mug away from her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“It’s fine,” Jim said, his voice sounding wooden to Spock’s ears. He didn’t move away from making a barrier of himself between Winona and Jim.

Winona clearly noticed, because she cleared her throat and stood. “No, it’s not. I’m just…I’m out of sorts right now. Maybe I should take a nap before the party.”

“Party?”

“Earl’s having a Christmas party tonight. I was hoping you and Mr. Spock would come with me.” She attempted a smile. “Please?”

“Sure, okay,” Jim said, smiling. The lightness was back in his tone, but Spock didn’t think Winona was any more fooled by it than he was.

“Okay. I’m going to go take that nap. We’ll go when I wake up.” She went up the stairs.

Spock handed Jim his tea and sat across from him.

“You don’t need to protect me you know.”

“I do not agree.”

Jim shook his head. “She wouldn’t have hit me or anything. When I was a kid, her favorite form of abuse was verbal. Mostly shit about how I’d never live up to my old man.”

“Is it the alcohol?”

“I think so. And the depression and the self-hate. A Kirk family tradition, I guess.” Jim shrugged. “Anyway, sorry about that. You shouldn’t have to deal with our shit.”

“I am not leaving, Jim.”

“You should.” He sighed. “And now I guess we’re going to this party. You don’t have to go, you know. I’ll go with her.”

“And I will go with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Jim took a sip of the tea and frowned. “You like this stuff, huh?”

“It is an acquired taste.”

He smiled. Spock wanted it to be a real smile, but did not know how to make it one. Spock looked down at Jim’s arms, intending to see if there were new marks, but the shirt he wore had long sleeves.

There was a little mark by the hem of his sleeve on the right arm, at the wrist. Spock reached for Jim’s arm and moved the sleeve aside before Jim could stop him. His fingers brushed across Jim’s pulse points and he was hit by a wave of powerful emotions.

And the overwhelming ones were…despair…sorrow. They ate at Jim. Deep-rooted in his psyche.

Jim snatched his wrist away. “What are you doing?”

“I—wished to see if you had cut yourself again.”

“I haven’t. I’m done with that. I’m fine, Spock. You don’t need to worry.” He took another sip of tea. “How many tastes until I have acquired the taste for it?”

Spock arched a brow. “I do not know the exact number.”

“Well, that is a surprise.” Jim laughed and stood. “I’ll fix us some supper.”


	16. A Holiday Party

“Are you all right, Mr. Spock?” Winona Kirk asked him as he stood to the side of the family room, or so that’s what he’d been told it was called, in Earl Levenson’s house.

The holiday party, for Earl himself was Jewish, was in full swing. There were at least forty guests there, Jim had joked it was the entire population of Riverside, Iowa, but Spock knew that was not accurate.

Still forty plus people in such a small space made quite a bit of noise. And it had been difficult to keep track of Jim ever since he’d gone off with a blonde woman Earl had brought over to him.

_“Oh, my God,” Jim had declared as Earl had come over to them with the woman in tow. “That can’t be who I think it is.”_

_“Jimmy!” the woman had declared in a high, shrill voice and then she  had launched herself into Jim’s arms._

Spock focused on the present. “I am fine.”

“You look like you’re having a simply miserable time,” she said, sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you come.”

Of course she had not forced him to come, and if Jim hadn’t been going, Spock certainly would not have. But since Jim had agreed, so did Spock.

He could not deny he was having an unpleasant time, so he decided not to answer that directly, except to say, “Celebrations of this sort do elude me.”

“I should have thought of that,” she admitted. “Is Jim with Marianne?”

Marianne Levenson to be exact. Earl’s niece that Jim hadn’t seen in years.

“Yes.” He had seen them talking and laughing, and whispering not long ago by a sprig of mistletoe Earl had conveniently hung in the so-called family room.

“I didn’t know she would be here. She moved away from Riverside, oh years ago. I think she’s in Starfleet, too, actually. Anyway, you know they used to go together a bit in high school. Or so Earl told me.”

“Yes, he told me also,” Spock said levelly.

“Small world her being here.” Winona smiled. “Want me to drive you home?”

“Who’s driving who home?” Jim was suddenly there beside them and he was flushed red and smiling.

“I don’t think Spock is having a very good time,” Winona whispered loudly.

“Sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean to abandon you over here.”

“It is quite all right, Captain. I was considering walking back to the farmhouse, though.”

Jim shook his head. “There’s no need for that. Marianne and I were about to head out anyway.”

Marianne, the blonde woman in question came over to Jim and locked arms with him. Her eyes were shining as she gazed at Jim as though he was her prey. Spock supposed he was.

“Head out?” Spock asked neutrally.

“Yeah, Marianne is staying with her friend, Jodie, while she’s visiting, so we were going over there. We can drop you off at the farmhouse on the way, especially if Winona wants to stay with Earl a little bit longer.”

“Oh, definitely,” Winona said. “Thanks, honey.”

Jim smiled at her. “Come on, Spock. Let’s blow this joint.”

Spock reluctantly followed his captain and the woman clinging to him, as though he’d get away if she didn’t, outside to the car. He eyed the old car.

“Perhaps I should drive, Captain.”

Marianne giggled and Jim glanced at her. “It’s cute the way he calls you captain.”

“He is my captain,” Spock said stiffly.

“Well, I don’t mean anything by it.”

Jim patted her arm. “Of course you don’t.”

“It _is_ cute though, _Captain_ ,” she said, then made some weird movement with her eyes that Spock supposed was supposed to be enticing to a human male.

“Anyway, get in, I can drive.”

“Captain—”

“Spock, I haven’t had anything to drink, I’m fine.”

“While normally that would offer some amount of comfort, under the circumstances, your driving—”

Jim was already in the driver’s seat and Marianne was in the passenger seat. Spock opened the back left side passenger door and got in. Fortunately Earl did not live that far from the farmhouse. He had been fortunate Winona had driven on the way there.

Jim started the car which made an odd puttering noise and then he pulled away from Earl’s house at a high rate of speed.

Spock grasped the handle of the door very hard. He certainly did not pray to any deity, but he suspected that he would require a great deal of meditation to get through this night.

The car squealed to a stop directly in front of the side door of the farmhouse. Spock exhaled very slowly and when he thought he could move without giving himself a heart attack, he opened the door and got out of the car.

Jim rolled down the window and gave him a blinding smile. “See, that wasn’t so bad, right?”

He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it, when he realized he could not lie.

Jim lowered his voice then, “Hey, listen, I’m probably spending the night over at Marianne’s friend’s house, all right? And not sure Winona is coming home from Earl’s either. Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve, though, so we’ll both be back at some point.”

“Very well.”

“You did say you didn’t need to be entertained, but if this is—”

“I do not,” Spock interrupted. “You are welcome to spend the evening as you see fit.”

The blinding smile came again. “Okay, great. See you tomorrow, Spock.”

Spock went to the door and let himself in with the key Winona had presented him with and Jim waited until he’d gotten inside and closed the door before he drove off, squealing the tires the whole way.

The house was very quiet, very dark, and very cold.

****

It was late in the afternoon before Jim appeared. Spock had no idea when he had actually returned home for Jim kept his bedroom door closed at all times, and Spock hadn’t thought to look for the car, but he came down the stairs around three looking freshly showered.

Spock had been on his PADD working for most of the day and had just stopped for a cup of tea and was therefore standing in the kitchen when Jim came down.

“Hey, sorry I wasn’t down here earlier. When I got back, I was really tired and I crashed for a bit.”

And Spock could believe that because there were dark circles under Jim’s eyes. “You do not appear to be well rested.”

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well even when I tried.”

Spock hesitated, then said, “More dreams?”

“Yes.” Jim went to the coffeemaker. It was clear to Spock by Jim’s body language he did not intend to elaborate. “Hey listen, I hope you don’t mind but Marianne is coming tonight for dinner. I’ll fix spaghetti. Don’t worry vegetarian. I think it’s just going to be you, me, Winona, Earl, and Marianne for Christmas Eve.”

Spock very much did not like the sound of that but he could not say why, certainly not. “If you are having a family gathering, perhaps I should make other plans.”

“What? No, no. You’re one of my two best friends, Spock. You are family. It’s just going to be a small thing. I think Winona wants to have eggnog or whatever, too. We’ll do stockings tonight and presents in the morning.”

“Stockings?”

“Yeah those things hanging above the fire place. There’s one for each of us. Well, you, me and Winona. I don’t know what she plans to do for Earl and Marianne.”

“There are presents in the stockings?”

Jim smiled and poured himself coffee from the pot he’d just made. “Yeah, just little ones.”

“I-I did not acquire anything of that nature for you or your mother.”

“It’s all right, Spock. We took care of it.” And for a moment Jim reached out like he had planned to touch Spock on the arm, but at the last second, Jim’s hand dropped away, and he went to the fridge for his cream instead. Spock released the breath he’d been holding, and turned away to finish fixing his tea.  


	17. Christmas With the Kirks

“That smells wonderful!” Winona declared as she entered the kitchen where Jim stood by the stove stirring sauce. “God I love it when you cook.”

Jim laughed. “Of course you do, because it means you don’t have to.”

“Well, there is that, too,” she acknowledged. “But you’re also good at it.”

Spock who stood there clenching a mug of tea to his chest, said, “You know how to cook, Captain?”

“Sure, Spock. I just don’t do it very often. I used to cook a lot when I was a kid.”

“You cooked as a child?”

Jim tensed just a little. “Yeah, well. Frank wasn’t very fatherly. And Sam wasn’t around usually. If I didn’t cook, I didn’t eat.”

If Jim had tensed a little, Winona became downright brittle. For a moment the kitchen became silent, the only sound in the room was Jim’s spoon stirring the sauce.

“You know,” Winona said at last, bright and cheerful, falsely so, into the heavy silence. “We should do the stockings now before Earl and Marianne arrive. That way they won’t feel left out when there’s nothing for them.”

Jim shrugged. “Fine with me.”

Winona left the kitchen to go to the living room for the stockings. She came hurrying into the kitchen and handed a green velvet stocking to Spock, a red one to Jim, and another green one she kept for herself.

Jim turned down the heat on the stove and laid the spoon down.

“Okay, everyone open,” Winona said.

Spock found he had nuts, oranges, chocolates, hand warmers, and very warm gloves in his.

Jim glanced at Spock and then he laughed. “Mom, you can’t give Spock chocolate.”

She frowned. “He doesn’t like it?”

Jim laughed again. “Well, he might. But, uh, it affects Vulcans differently.” Jim came over to Spock and snatched the chocolate out of Spock’s hand.

His finger brushed Spock’s palm for a fraction of a second only but it was enough for Spock to get the emotion of anguish so powerful he nearly caught his breath from it. Spock had to fight not to snatch Jim’s hand into his grasp. Oddly though, Jim’s grin never slipped from his face.

“Well, I didn’t know,” Winona protested. “Or if I did, I’ve forgotten.”

“I’ll eat his, no problem.” Jim popped a chocolate into his mouth.

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Spock told Winona. “Were the hand warmers and gloves from you as well? They were most thoughtful.”

She smiled. “No, those were from Jim.”

Jim turned away to go back to stirring the sauce.

“Thank you, Jim.”

“No problem.” But he did not turn around.

Spock was able to see that Jim had the nuts, oranges, and chocolates he’d had but also a keychain in the shape of the Starfleet insignia he assumed Winona had included for him. Whereas Winona’s additional item appeared to be a small knitted hat.

“Well,” Winona said. “That was fun, wasn’t it?”

“Sure was.”

The doorbell rang and Spock knew that meant their evening now included others he barely knew and frankly did not care to know further. He strengthened his shields as he watched Jim leave the kitchen to go to the door.

He heard Winona greet Earl, a tall, muscular man with a neatly trimmed beard, and then pull him with her into the living room where she chattered on about the tree.

Spock moved just a little so that he could see Jim and Marianne still standing in the threshold. She had her arms around Jim’s neck, and she was kissing him very thoroughly. His arms were around her waist.

“I brought my toothbrush,” she said to Jim when she’d stopped kissing him. “But only my toothbrush. I figured I didn’t need anything else.”

For a moment Spock tried to understand what she meant by that.

Jim chuckled low. “Yeah, I expect you won’t be wearing much of anything tonight.”

Spock wished he didn’t understand now. And he certainly wished he wasn’t watching Marianne kissing Jim again. He turned away and picked up his gloves, admiring their softness.

****

“Jimmy, this is the best spaghetti I’ve ever eaten in my life,” Marianne announced after taking one bite of her dinner. She had moved her chair very close to Jim so that she almost sat in his lap.

With Jim and Marianne and Winona and Earl together at the table acting like the couples they apparently were, Spock felt very lonely indeed. He tried to put aside such illogical emotions, but it was difficult to be the fifth wheel.

“I doubt that,” Jim replied, but it was good-naturedly.

When she lifted a piece of garlic bread up to Jim’s mouth, Spock gripped the edge of the table. It was at that moment, Jim glanced at him.

Jim cleared his throat and pushed her hand away from his face. “I don’t want any, thanks.”

Marianne pouted, but then she soon began to chatter about her friends and co-workers, while Jim, Earl, and Winona tried to look interested. Spock didn’t bother to pretend.

When the meal was over, Spock volunteered to do the dishes simply so he could get away from the others who made their way into the living room by the tree. But it was only a few minutes later before Jim appeared.

“Hey, Spock, I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“This was a bad idea. I didn’t really think about how this all is to you. I know it’s making you uncomfortable. These sorts of things aren’t your thing.”

“No, they are not,” Spock admitted softly.

“Just leave that. I’ll take care of that later. You can go upstairs, if you want. Away from all this.”

Spock was grateful, completely out of proportion to the situation, but he could not deny he was suffocating.

Still he hesitated. “If you do not mind—”

Jim smiled. “I don’t. I just hate the idea I made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That wasn’t my intention. I was trying to include you and I think I ended up excluding you. I’m sorry.”

“It is nothing.”

“It’s not. And anyway, I think Marianne and Earl can be too much for anyone.” He glanced toward the living room and sort of rolled his eyes. “So yeah, go ahead and make your escape. I’ll provide your excuse.”

“Thank you.”

“No, it’s all right. I’m really glad you’re here.” This time Jim did touch his arm but it was on the sleeve of Spock’s sweater and this time Spock could feel nothing from Jim. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Yes.” Spock went up the stairs to his room, even though he knew he probably would not sleep much that night knowing that Jim would not be alone. It should not matter to him, he was the one who told Jim they were only friends. But it did. It did matter.

****

Spock was surprised to find Jim up and in the kitchen pouring coffee when he got downstairs Christmas morning. Spock did not sleep late ever. And he did not need as much sleep as his human counterparts. However, he suspected Jim slept even less than he did.

“Good morning,” Jim said with a smile.

“Good morning. You are up early.”

“Never went to sleep actually.”

“Oh?”

Jim shrugged. “I guess my nap before prevented it.”

“And where is Ms. Levenson?”

“Marianne and Earl left a few hours ago. She’s going back to San Francisco on the shuttle this afternoon. Has to be back to work. She works in one of the archives for Starfleet there.” Jim added cream to his coffee. “And she was never…she wasn’t…I mean, she wasn’t important.” He winced. “That made me sound like a dick. I just meant we were having fun…both of us.”

Spock nodded, hiding his relief that Marianne was gone and had not been important to Jim.

“I’ve got your tea made there,” Jim said, pointing to a large teapot.

“I have never seen this teapot before,” Spock commented.

“Surprise. Merry Christmas. It’s actually one of your presents. But because it was practical, I used it to make your tea.”

Spock studied the pot as he poured tea into his cup. “It looks expensive, Jim. You should not have.”

“It’s a present, Spock. You aren’t supposed to question the cost.”

“Hm. You are correct, I apologize. Thank you. I am pleased with my present.”

Jim laughed. “That’s much better, Mr. Spock.”

“Wow, are you boys eager for your presents?” Winona asked coming into the kitchen still wearing her robe, but smiling.

“We must be.” Jim glanced out the window. “It’s snowing.”

“Light a fire, will you? Then we’ll open our presents.”

Jim went to do as Winona said and they all went into the living room. Winona handed out presents and Spock found himself with four brightly wrapped presents. Three of them were from Jim.

He opened the one from Winona first and was pleased to find a wooden chess set.

She smiled. “It’s much nicer than the one we played on the other night.”

“Thank you, it is quite kind of you.”

Spock had purchased Winona several different flavors of coffee and she expressed pleasure in the gift. He noticed Jim had bought her the purple coat as well as two Christmas ornaments. One she had gotten all teary over as she said it reminded her of her father.

Spock opened from Jim a much heavier overcoat, a big fluffy scarf, and a woolen hat.

“To cover those ears, Pointy,” Jim said with such a beautiful smile that for a moment all Spock could do was stare at him.

Then he tore his gaze away and fingered the scarf. “It is too much, Jim.”

“You aren’t going to talk about the cost again are you, Commander?”

Spock felt his throat tighten. “No, I am not.”

“Good.”

He watched as Jim opened the gift from him. He’d been uncertain about it when he purchased it and now that Jim had given him a coat, a scarf, a hat, gloves, and a teapot it seemed completely lacking to Spock. But he was not a gift purchaser. He’d ended up disappointing Nyota many times in their relationship.

Jim tore the paper off the present. “The complete works of Charles Dickens,” he read off.

“If there is something you prefer—”

“It’s perfect, Spock,” Jim assured him softly. “I love books.”

Winona looked over her son’s shoulder. “Oh, look at you. You’ve just made a friend for life. Jimmy loves books. Especially old books like that. Classics, he calls them. Way to make the shirts I got him look paltry, Spock.”

“I apologize, it was not my intention to—”

Her laugh interrupted him. “I’m kidding. You did great, though. Perfect.”

“Thank you, Spock,” Jim said, still staring at the books, his thumb grazing over the binding.

“You are welcome, Jim.”

Winona stood. “And now, you two clean up the wrapping paper and I’m going to make waffles for breakfast.”

“I can do it if you want, Mom.”

She shook her head, and leaned down to kiss the top of Jim’s head. “See, Jimmy. We can have a nice Christmas like regular people.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay.”

Spock had to admit between Christmas Eve and Christmas, he would pick Christmas as a better day.   


	18. Demons

When Spock woke he knew almost immediately Jim was not in the house. Still he checked the bedroom Jim was using. He knew Jim wasn’t using his childhood bedroom and he knew the reason why. And though it was illogical to hate a room, an inanimate object really, Spock found displeasure in that particular part of the farmhouse himself.

Jim’s room was empty, as he had suspected it would be, and the bed made. He was not sure if Jim had used it at all during the night, though he did recall Jim entering the bedroom the night before.

Downstairs there was no sign of Jim or Winona for that matter but he thought he had heard movement in her bedroom. Spock grabbed his coat and hat, the ones Jim had given him for Christmas, put them on, and then went outside.

His attention was drawn to the barn, empty of animals, but where the Kirks generally stored their cars. As he entered the barn he noted one of the older cars— collected by Frank, according to Winona— was running with the windows all closed up.

For a moment his heart seized. Surely Jim would not—

He rushed to the car and opened the driver side door.

Jim was there, alive, and he blinked up at Spock, though perhaps a bit dazed. “Hey.”

“What do you think you are doing?” Spock demanded.

“Huh?” Jim looked confused. “Oh. No. I wasn’t. That’s not why I’m here, Spock. I mean, yeah, maybe I’ve been sitting here a little bit too long, but it wasn’t what you’re thinking. I just…got lost in thought.”

“Then come out.”

Jim shook his head. “I’m actually going for a ride.” He eyed Spock. “Want to come?”

“To where?”

“Wherever it takes me.”

Spock frowned. “Jim, you are in charge of the direction the car goes in.”

Jim’s lips quirked just a bit. “I know. Are you coming or not?”

Spock thought of the horrendous way Jim drove weighed against allowing Jim to wander about the countryside by himself with snow still on the ground and Spock unaware where to find him.

“I am coming.” He went to the other side of the car and got in.

Jim glanced at Spock. “Better buckle up.”

Spock fastened his seatbelt and gripped the car door as Jim backed out of the barn at an unsafe speed.

“Captain, are you aware of the term, spun out?”

“Of course, I am. I’ve even done it a few times.”

“That does not surprise me.”

Jim fell silent as he drove away from the farmhouse.

“These cars belonged to your stepfather, did they not?”

“Yeah, he collected them. Old Earth classics. He and a friend of his used to spend hours together fixing them up. When they weren’t drinking and fucking people up that is.”

Jim’s tone was flat, in spite of the pain of his words.

“They were violent?”

Jim snorted a laugh, though it was far from humorous. “Violent, yes. Predators, definitely.”

Spock stiffened and looked out the window. “I am aware your stepfather…did this other man?” He could not put it into words.

“Fun times with Jim Kirk,” was the answer he received.

Spock clenched his fists. “And this man…he is alive?”

Jim shook his head. “Drank himself to death before I ever got out of Riverside. No loss, I assure you.”

“I believe you.”

“After Sam left, I took one of his classics and drove it off a cliff.”

“I did read your history.”

Jim nodded. “Then you know I ended up in the hospital after. Fucker pressed charges, too. That’s when Frank decided to dump me on Aunt Gladys.”

“The one you went to Tarsus with?”

Jim tensed. “Yeah.”

He was driving down a deserted road now, too fast as usual, but so far the car had not left the road or slipped in any way.

“Anyway, I fucking hate these cars.”

“You do?”

“Makes my skin crawl. They were important to him. He loved them. They were precious to him in ways humans never were.” He turned suddenly until he was off road and in nothing but dirt headed away from the main highway.

“Jim, what are you doing?”

Jim grinned at him but didn’t answer and sped up. Spock’s heart now leapt from his side to his throat.

“Jim!”

“Hang on, Spock.”

Spock could do little else as Jim barreled toward what was now evident to be the very cliff he’d driven his stepfather’s car off before.

“Undo your seat belt,” Jim said.

“What?”

“We’re going to jump, Spock. Undo your belt.”

“Captain—”

“Now, Spock! Do it.”

But before Spock could, Jim reached over and undid Spock’s belt himself.

“Open your door when I do and jump.”

“But—”

“No time to argue. Do it!”

Jim opened his door and so did Spock. They both jumped from the car.

Spock rolled in the rocks and ice covered dirt, sitting up at the last second to see the car flying over the cliff. Jim was on his knees a few feet away, panting and watching the car as it disappeared.

“Whoop!” Jim exclaimed, grinning.

When Spock was certain he could speak without wanting to strangle Jim, he said, “What exactly was the purpose of this exercise?”

“No purpose, Spock.”

“So it was not to scare several years off my life?”

Jim lay on the ground, looking up at the cloudy sky. “No. If you need a purpose, I guess it’s to rid myself of my demons in the form of the car.”

Spock stood and brushed the dirt off himself. “Had I known your goal, I would have stayed behind at the farmhouse.”

“Which is why I didn’t tell you. Admit it, Spock, your life was so dull before I came along.”

“I will admit no such thing. How are we to get back to your home?”

Jim was silent for a minute or so. “It’s not my home.”

“Why did you come here?”

“I had nowhere else to go.”

“I am certain you could have secured an invitation to accompany Dr. McCoy.”

Jim laughed humorlessly. “And be the third wheel? I’ve been the pity guest before, Spock. I told you, Bones doesn’t need me in his hair all the time just because no one else wants me.”

“I do not believe that to be true. However, you could have stayed in San Francisco.”

“Yeah and that place has so many good memories for me.” Jim sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. He sighed. “Sorry, Spock. I shouldn’t have dragged you out here with me.”

“I agreed to accompany you.”

“Yeah, but would you have come if I’d told you I wanted to get rid of that bastard’s car?”

“I do not know,” Spock said, honestly. For he was still very reluctant to allow Jim too much time to himself. “Do you need assistance in standing?”

He held out his hand toward Jim and for a moment Jim stared at it like Spock held out a bug. Then Jim shook his head.

“I can stand on my own.” Jim stood then and Spock dropped his arm to his side. “Well, we’ll have to walk back up to the road, but I can call Winona to come get us. There’s actually a restaurant in the next town over that serves Vulcan dishes.”

“A restaurant in Iowa?”

Jim smiled a little. “Imagine that.”

“It is difficult.”

Jim called his mother on his communicator and then they started walking back toward the road.

“Are you cold?” Jim asked.

“Yes.”

“Sorry.”

“You are not responsible for the weather, Captain.”

“I know that, Spock. But you’re out here because of me.”

“Yes.”

Jim shoved his hands into the pockets of his battered leather jacket. “Can I ask you something, Spock?”

“Affirmative.”

“Why are you here? Really? I mean, yeah, Winona invited you. But why did you come?”

“Because I had nowhere else to go?”

Jim snorted. “You? Everyone wants you, Spock. I bet if you contacted Uhura right now, she’d eagerly take you back. Plus you were on New Vulcan.”

“That was not the place for me.”

“Where is the place for you then?”

“With you.”


	19. Iowa Surprises

For several moments they walked in silence toward the road. The temperature had dropped and Spock speculated that it would snow before they made it back to the farmhouse, especially if they went to eat at the restaurant Jim had spoken of first.

Spock had begun to wonder if Jim had deliberately ignored his words or simply hadn’t heard. He didn’t believe it was the latter.

But then Jim pulled the collar of his leather jacket higher around his neck and said, “I already told you that’s not necessary. We’re not that Kirk and Spock, no matter what your counterpart told you.”

“You know of my conversation with him?”

“Yeah. He told me. We used to talk some.”

“I was not aware of that.”

Jim shrugged. “Why would you be? You and he aren’t the same person, not really. And I’m certainly not the other Kirk. And anyway, we don’t anymore. That was before.”

“You had a falling out?” Spock wondered.

“No. He just…he doesn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know why.”

Spock could tell it bothered him, too. It bothered Spock, as well. Jim didn’t have enough friends as it was and for one to cease contact with him—

“It’s no big deal,” Jim said softly. “And it has nothing to do with my point. The point is, you are free to be wherever you wish to be, Spock. You don’t need to follow after me like a bodyguard. I’ll get by as I always have.”

“My presence is unwelcome?”

Jim’s shoulders hunched. “No. That’s not what I mean either. I just don’t want to be an obligation based on what someone else tells you we should be.”

They reached the road.

“Well, here we are. Winona should be by any moment.” He glanced at Spock. “She’ll run the heater.”

“I would appreciate it.”

Jim approached him then and reached up to pull the knitted cap down further over Spock’s ears. He was very careful not to make skin contact when he did so, Spock noted, but still Spock found Jim’s closeness disturbing to his control.

“You should have worn the gloves,” Jim said with a small smile as he stepped away.

“I was unaware I would need them when I stepped out of the farmhouse.”

Jim laughed at that and it was a welcome sound that he heard far too infrequently. “You should always be prepared for anything, Spock, when it has to do with me. I would think serving as my first officer would have taught you that.”

“I would have thought also, but apparently I have yet more to learn.”

Jim smiled vaguely.

“Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“I do not find you to be an obligation.”

Winona picked that moment to pull up in the truck Jim had taken when they’d gone Christmas shopping. Jim opened the door and got in first and Spock slid in next to him, pushing perhaps a little closer than was strictly necessary.

“Good afternoon,” Winona said cheerfully.

“I told Spock you’d run the heat,” Jim said, leaning forward to mess with the controls.

“You two must be freezing,” Winona said. “Jim said you wanted to go over to Iowa City for the restaurant.”

“Whatever is preferable to you,” Spock said politely.

“Makes no difference to me. We gotta eat anyway.” She pulled away from the side of the road and started driving up the highway.

“Is this also one of Frank’s vehicles?” Spock inquired.

“Nah, this old truck belonged to Winona’s dad. My grandfather. Nobody really knows where he got it though,” Jim replied. “Knowing him he won it in a card game.”

“So,” Winona said casually. “You got rid of the Stenbeck today, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“How many is that now?” she asked.

“Four.”

Spock glanced at them. “You have driven four cars over that cliff?”

“Well, not exactly. I mean I always jump out so technically I’m not driving them over or anything.”

Spock pursed his lips. “It does seem a waste of suitable vehicles.”

“Probably,” Jim agreed.

“You could sell them,” Spock suggested.

“I’ve sold a few.”

Winona turned on to a road with a sign that read _Iowa City_.

“It would seem more logical—”

“Spock, it’s not about logic,” Jim interrupted. “I think you know by now I am not ruled by logic.”

Spock nodded.

“You warming up?” Jim asked him.

“Yes, thank you.”

****

It was apparent to Spock as soon as they entered the sparsely lit restaurant that the owner was friends with the Kirks since he first embraced Winona and then turned to Jim to shake his hand warmly.

“Jim, it’s great to see you. Been too long.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Mortie.” Jim turned to Spock. “This is my friend, Spock. And this is Mortie, he owns the place."

Mortie eyed Spock. “Been a while since we’ve had Vulcans here.”

“You have had them in the past?”

“My wife was Vulcan,” Mortie explained. “The recipes we serve for Vulcan dishes were hers.” He smiled at Jim and Winona. “Let me set up a table for you.”

“His wife died about ten years ago,” Jim explained to Spock. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

Jim walked over to where Mortie was and they spoke in low voices but with Spock’s Vulcan hearing he could hear most of their conversation.

“A friend, huh?” Mortie asked Jim.

Jim laughed. “Yes, just a friend.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’m not his type.”

Mortie glanced toward Spock and Winona. “Human?”

“No, he’s been with a human before. My communications officer, Nyota Uhura. Spock’s my first officer. We’re strictly platonic.”

“Oh.” Mortie nodded. “I get it. You know my nephew, Daniel’s back in town.”

Jim laughed. “Stop it. I don’t need to be set up. Anyway, how are you? Have you heard from that daughter of yours?”

“Yeah,” Mortie said with a smile. “She’s doing well on that science vessel. Probably get some leave to see me in six months or so.” He glanced toward Spock and Winona. “Table’s ready.”

Winona and Spock approached the table where Jim already had sat as Mortie handed them menus.

“I’ll give you a chance to look it over. Drinks?” Mortie asked.

“Coffee for me,” Jim said.

“Me, too,” Winona said.

“Hot tea,” Spock replied.

“Coming right up.”

“You did not tell me you knew a man with a Vulcan wife before.”

Jim shrugged. “Never really thought about it. Actually by the time I met Mortie his wife had already passed. They had a daughter but she was already off planet for a science mission.”

“His wife was beautiful,” Winona added. “I only met her once before she was killed in an accident. Very elegant.”

Spock surveyed the menu and when Mortie came back they all ordered. Spock chose a couple of the Vulcan dishes whereas Jim ordered a burger and Winona ordered soup.

“They’re predicting blizzard conditions by tonight,” Winona said. “So once we finish lunch we should be on our way back home.”

“Good thing we have plenty of firewood.” Jim looked at Spock. “It’s going to get really cold. Think you can handle that?”

“Of course. Vulcans can handle anything.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, I know they can. Or you can anyway. “

Winona sighed. “It’s too bad. I was going to see Earl tonight.”

“Well you still can. Just go as soon as we get home,” Jim told her.

“I might not get back for a day or so if the weather’s that bad, though.”

Jim laughed. “So? You’re a big girl. And Spock and I don’t need taking care of. We can handle ourselves. I don’t need my mommy.”

Winona gave him an amused look. “I certainly know that. Are you sure?”

He rolled his eyes. “Spock, do you mind if my mother goes to shack up with her boyfriend for the night and possibly gets stuck there for longer?”

“Jim!” she exclaimed, but it was playful.

“I do not mind,” Spock assured her.

Mortie appeared with their meals and for a few moments they all ate in companionable silence.

Jim reached his fork over to Spock’s plate. “How is it?”

“Quite good,” Spock acknowledged. “Iowa continues to surprise me.”

Winona smiled. “It surprises everyone.”

Jim took a bite of Spock’s food. Spock was used to it as he had often tasted Spock’s food on board the Enterprise and during away missions and shore leaves.

“It is pretty good,” Jim said, returning to his hamburger.

On the ride back to Riverside, it was quiet in the truck because Jim had nodded off between Spock and Winona and neither of them wanted to disturb Jim. As far as Spock was concerned, Jim did not get enough rest.

And when Jim’s head tilted toward Spock’s shoulder instead of Winona’s, Spock did not feel displeased.

Jim blinked groggily when they made it back to the farmhouse. “Here already?”

“Yep, sleepyhead,” Winona said, smiling.

Jim rubbed his eyes. “Damn, sorry. I got up too early.”

They all got out of the truck and went into the house. Winona excused herself to go pack a small bag to take with her to Earl’s.

“If you will relax on the couch, I will start a fire and bring you a cup of tea,” Spock said.

Jim just nodded and sunk down on the couch.

By the time Spock had started the fire and brought two cups of tea to the living room, Jim was asleep on the couch. His face looked soft and innocent. Spock could not wake him.

Winona came downstairs and saw her son sleeping. “He needs it,” she whispered. “Are you sure I should go?”

Spock nodded. “I will watch him.”

“Thank you, Spock. You’re a good friend to him.”

After she left, Spock sat in a chair in the living room and watched over Jim while he slept.


	20. Is it Possible for Humans?

For an hour as Spock watched, Jim’s sleep seemed quiet and peaceful. During that time, Spock had drunk both cups of tea he’d brought.

But after that hour, Jim became restless, turning over on the couch and sometimes moaning softly. As he watched, Jim’s face contorted in pain, and though Spock was aware Jim did not want him invading his dreams, Spock could not allow Jim to suffer distress without intervention.

Spock rose from the chair and knelt beside Jim. He reached his hand toward Jim’s face, intending to only have the dream Jim was experiencing end, then he would move away quickly, but instead Spock was pulled into the dream by Jim’s powerful, tormented mind.

Young Jim was being passed between two older human males and he was frantically trying to get away.

Spock backed out of Jim’s mind, feeling the pain, fear and humiliation as though it was his own. He removed his hand, having successfully broken the dream, but his hand was shaking nearly uncontrollably.

He was angry. Filled with such rage at those that had done this to Jim, when he was only a child.

Spock exhaled slowly, and then with determination, his fingers once more found Jim’s meld points. “Forget.”

****

Three hours later, Jim woke up. For a moment Spock watched as he merely stared at the ceiling. What humans probably called ‘getting his bearings’.

He turned his head toward Spock at last. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Several hours.”

Jim sat up and rubbed his eyes. His gaze went to the windows. “It’s dark.”

“Correct and the blizzard predicted by your mother would appear to be starting. Snow began to fall about an hour ago. It has been steadily getting worse.”

“Winona left?”

“Shortly after we returned home.”

“Sorry,” Jim mumbled. “I never usually sleep that long.”

“You needed it.”

Jim frowned. “Usually I have a bunch of dreams that interrupts it. But I don’t really remember any this time.”

Spock rose from the chair he’d been occupying. “You never had your tea. Would you like some now?”

Jim yawned. “Yeah. I’ll come with you.”

They entered the kitchen together and Spock began to make tea.

“So just the two of us, huh?” Jim smiled faintly.

“It would appear so.”

“I’m afraid I’m rather boring when you get me away from the Enterprise or a bar.”

“I do not believe that to be the case.”

Jim sighed. “Trust me. I’m not the entertaining type. You know what I did in my quarters most nights, Spock?”

“I assumed slept.” Spock handed him the cup of tea.

“Yeah, that too. Sometimes. I avoided that when I could even on the Enterprise. If it got really bad, I’d go see Bones and bug the crap out of him.”

There had been more than one occasion when Spock had felt a little jealous twinge regarding Jim’s closeness with Dr. McCoy, no matter how illogical it was. That same illogical feeling returned now.

“What I’m saying is, Bones would have killed me if I disturbed him every night and despite the rumors to the contrary I wasn’t spending each night in the quarters of various crewmembers.”

“I never believed those rumors.”

Jim smiled. “Some did. I spent most nights alone in my quarters reading. Or working, actually. But when even I couldn’t look at one more report, I read books. Which is why I said, I’m not really exciting company, Spock.”

“I am here to be your friend, Jim. Not to be entertained.”

Jim turned to look out the kitchen window, clutching the cup of tea. “Why did you go to New Vulcan?”

Spock was momentarily surprised into silence by the abrupt change of subject. “To undergo Kolinahr.”

Jim said nothing.

“Kolinahr is the—”

“I know what it is, Spock. I actually know a lot of things you might think I don’t. I’m not just a pretty face.”

Spock shook his head. “I know you are exceptional in your intelligence and that intelligence cannot be overshadowed even by your exceptional attractive appeal.”

Jim looked back at him then. “Did you succeed?”

“I began the process of it and went through several trials,” Spock replied.

“Was it because of what I told you?” Jim asked, softly.

“Negative. I have been considering it since I was young. Even before I ever left Vulcan to come to Earth. It was not just a recent consideration.”

Jim’s lips curved into a ghost of a smile. “It’s good to know I didn’t send you off to purge your emotions then.”

“You did not. And anyway, I did not complete the ritual. It was not successful.”

“Because you were already corrupted by us humans?”

Spock inclined his head. “In a manner of speaking.”

“No doubt your romantic relationship with Uhura didn’t help maintain logic.”

“It did not,” Spock allowed.

“Do you know what I’d do right now if you weren’t here, Spock?”

Jim’s voice was like a whisper on a breeze and Spock, even with his Vulcan hearing, had to strain to hear him.

“No.”

“I’d light this whole fucking place on fire until it was nothing but embers and ashes.”

“With you inside?”

Jim laughed. “No. I’d be on the outside watching it burn. I almost did it so many times when I was a kid. And now…when I think of it, I smell burning flesh.”

“Flesh?”

“The burned bodies on Tarsus. They’d burn the dead. Some of the others wanted to…to…well never mind. Usually they were already dead when they were burned, but not always.”

“Jim—”

“There was this woman there. Kodos’ wife. She’d give me privileges. You know if I…anyway. It was never for me. I gave the food to others. The smaller ones. Sometimes it was like I was dead inside.” Jim’s gaze rose and he stared at Spock and the vacant look in those blue eyes distressed Spock. “Sometimes I still feel that way.”

Spock did not know what to say. He wanted to offer Jim comfort, a hug, as humans did, as Nyota would for him when needed, but Jim was so deliberate in his desire to avoid physical contact Spock did not believe his embrace would be welcomed.

“Is it possible for humans, Spock?”

“Jim?”

“Kolinahr.”

Spock swallowed. “No. And I do not think it is the answer for either of us.”

Jim laughed mirthlessly. “What is then?”

“I do not know.”

“Me either.” Jim walked out of the kitchen. “Good night, Spock.”


	21. Tell Me About You

For a long time Spock stared at the stairs Jim had just climbed. He was at a loss. He frequently was when dealing with humans, but it seemed to him he was more troubled by it when it involved Jim.

One of the qualities Nyota had that had drawn Spock to her initially was her ability to be very analytical. She could be quite logical, especially compared to most humans he’d met. She could also go from calm to anger in less than a minute. Still, Spock had believed they had a lot in common.

Jim was not analytical or logical. He was brash and full of bravado, very emotional, easily baited, and steeped in passion. When Jim entered a room, all eyes were on him, including Spock’s. And Jim loved that.

There was no one like Jim. Spock didn’t believe anyone would ever pull such a reaction out of him the way Jim did. And Spock did not know how to handle that most of the time.

His control was in tatters in minutes when he’d worked hours to get such control. Why Jim? Why this human of all?

Just now Jim had radiated emotional pain. Spock hadn’t needed physical contact to be battered by Jim’s never ending turmoil. That Jim still functioned given what Spock now knew about him was of great surprise to Spock.

Spock finished his tea and considered the falling snow outside the window of the kitchen. It was his desire to get Jim away from Riverside. But if he was unable to do that, as he suspected he would be, he would have to figure out how to help Jim with what he had here.

It occurred to him that they hadn’t eaten for several hours now and that Spock himself was hungry. He was generally able to ignore his hunger longer than the humans around him, but he found that he would like a light meal, and he decided to make himself some oatmeal.

He glanced toward the stairs. Perhaps Jim would want something? He had said good night but Spock doubted he was tired considering he had just awakened after a long sleep.

With a shrug, Spock went up the stairs and stopped in front of Jim’s bedroom door. He raised his hand and was about to knock when he heard a soft gasp and then a sob.

His heart clenched in his side painfully.

He should not interrupt. But allowing Jim to be in distress was physically painful. Spock could not do it. He knocked.

“Yeah?”

Jim was sitting in the chair, wiping his face. He had a blanket wrapped around him. For a moment, Spock stood in the doorway simply staring. He shook himself and stepped into the room and then knelt in front of Jim.

“What causes your distress?”

“I’m not,” Jim insisted. “Distressed.”

“You are crying.”

“No.”

“I heard you. I see the tears with my own eyes,” Spock told him. “What is it you require?”

“Just pretend you don’t see.”

“I cannot.”

“Spock.” Jim wiped his eyes again. His face was red. His eyes wet and almost too intense in their blueness. “Why are you here?”

“I was going to make oatmeal. I wanted to know if you wanted some.”

He leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. “Tell me about you.”

“Captain?”

He laughed at that, shook his head. “Jim. Tell me about you, Spock. I’ve been living in the Jim Kirk world for too long. It’s suffocating me.”

Spock hesitated. He shifted to make himself more comfortable on the floor. “What do you want to know?”

“Why was I told you went to bond with a Vulcan woman on New Vulcan? And why Kolinahr now? You thought of it before, when you were young, but you didn’t. Why now?”

“There has been talk of the need to bring Vulcan numbers up. We are still very much an endangered species. It has been suggested more than once that able bodied Vulcans who were not bonded should seek mates.”

Jim lifted his head and stared at Spock. “Oh. I get it.”

“It was never my intention to do so nor was it suggested that I specifically embark on such an outcome. In all likelihood I am sterile anyway and I have not sought a Vulcan mate since the one intended for me died even before the destruction of Vulcan.”

“You were bonded?”

“Only the barest of bonds between children and that was severed upon her untimely death,” Spock explained.

“Yet Uhura mentioned it herself. That you were doing this.”

“Nyota likely misunderstood a conversation between us. I assure you, Jim, there was no Vulcan mate.”

Jim nodded. “All right. And the Kolinahr? You said it wasn’t because of what I told you, but then, why now?”

“Our five year mission has ended. There is no longer a need for me in Starfleet, so it was my intention to resign my commission and help with the rebuilding of the colony. Though years have passed, there is still much to be accomplished.” Spock looked down at his own clenched hands. “I have always been a child of two worlds. I believed it would be easier to fit in with other Vulcans after undergoing the ritual.”

“You’re leaving Starfleet?”

“I do not know,” Spock admitted. “That was, though, my intention.”

“I’d hate to lose you. You’re the best first officer in the fleet. Hell, the best officer of any kind.” Jim smiled vaguely. “But I’d understand if you did.”

“My answer depends on you.”

Jim laughed again. ”Me? How?”

“I will serve no other captain. If you take the Enterprise out again, I would want to be on board.”

“Because of what he said?”

“You speak of my counterpart?”

“Yeah.” Jim wiped his hand over his face with a sigh.

“Because of who you are. Because of who I am.”

“It’s fucking freezing in here.”

Spock agreed. “Do you want oatmeal?”

“Why not? We both know I’m not sleeping.” Jim stood up and for a moment, he reached down as though to help Spock to his feet, but then he stopped himself and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.

Could a Vulcan be touch starved? Spock did not know.

They made their way downstairs and while Spock made the oatmeal, Jim turned up the heat, and then came into the kitchen to watch.

“Can I ask you something else?” Jim asked after a while.

Spock tried not to stiffen. “Affirmative.”

“You don’t have to answer. Just, I’ve been curious since it happened. You and Uhura. What happened there?”

Spock certainly did not like to discuss personal matters with anyone, but if there was anyone he’d discuss them with, it was Jim. Considering what Jim had shared with him, willingly and perhaps not so willingly, Spock believed it would be cruel of him not to share something of himself.

“We were not compatible emotionally. There were aspects of myself that Nyota found distasteful.”

“Meaning what exactly?”

“You are well aware yourself of our differences since they were frequently aired in front of you. She found me…insensitive to her needs. And ultimately we determined we were better friends.”

“What did she think of you undergoing Kolinahr?”

“She did not approve. I had actually broached the subject with her when we were still romantically involved.”

Jim’s lips curved very slightly. “Did you?”

“Yes. She was less than pleased.”

Jim shook his head. “How does that work with love I wonder? If you loved someone before and then you go through purging your emotions, do you no longer love them?” Jim huffed a laugh. “Never mind. It’s too much for my human mind to get.”

Spock stirred the oatmeal. “It is about ready.”

“So no Vulcan mate and no human girlfriend. Think you’ll ever find the one, Spock?” Jim poured himself some coffee. “I think I’m destined to be alone myself. Some people do better that way and I guess I’m one of those.”

“You believe you will be alone?”

Jim smiled. “I’ve always been alone, Spock.” He pointed to his chest. “In here.” And then to his head. “And in here. People over the years—Bones, Pike—think they know me. But they don’t. Not really. But that’s okay. I’ve gotten by. I’ve survived. And sometimes I’ve even thrived.” He shrugged. “But so? I’m not the family type.”

Jim went to the dining room table and sat down while Spock brought him a bowl of oatmeal. “Really coming down out there.”

“It is a blizzard.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah.” He stood up. ”Forgot spoons.” He stopped and smiled at Spock. “You’ve got…”

Jim reached up and brushed his thumb across Spock’s cheek. His eyes widened slightly when he seemed to realize what he had done. But his thumb did not immediately move from Spock’s face and Spock was hit with desire, need, love, sadness and desolation so powerful his breath stuttered in his throat.

Jim’s hand slipped from Spock’s cheek and the thumb grazed along Spock’s jawline. Spock shook with the unexpected pull of Jim’s raw emotions.

It seemed sudden to find Jim’s lips within only a quarter of an inch from his own and yet Spock did not pull away but rather leaned in closer until human hot breath, scented slightly with coffee, fanned across Spock’s upper lip. It sparked a need in him he had never felt before.

Spock could not have said whose lips landed on the other’s lips first. But they were there, sliding moist and soft, with an intensity, a desperation, Spock had not thought possible with a human kiss. Jim tasted of coffee, spice, and mint, but also of sorrow. It was a strange combination Spock could not have explained.

But even as his fingers slid up the back of Jim’s neck, to thread into the blond hair on Jim’s head, the kiss was broken with shocking abruptness that made Spock feel oddly bereft.

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered. He looked stricken, destroyed, as though Spock himself was a monster sent to harm him. Despair coiled inside Spock’s gut.

“Jim—”

But Jim was shaking his head rapidly and backing away, his eyes clearly panicked. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know…I…forgive me. Please. I’m sorry.”

He was gone and up the stairs before Spock could react.

When Spock reached Jim’s bedroom, the door was closed tight and there was a sick sort of silence on the other side.

“Jim. I wish to talk. Jim.”

But Jim would not answer and after ten minutes, Spock went back downstairs, cleaned up the kitchen, and went to his own room to meditate.


	22. The Stubborn Mr. Kirk

When Spock woke the next morning he noticed an eerie stillness in the house at once. He rose from the bed and dressed quickly.

“Jim?” he called out immediately upon exiting his room. “Jim?”

The door to Jim’s bedroom was open and the room was empty. The bathroom was unoccupied.

He ran down the stairs, still calling Jim’s name, but there was no answer and it was obvious the house held no other occupant. Outside the blizzard had not let up.

Jim wouldn’t have gone out in the storm, would he? The human was prone to reckless behaviors that constantly put him in harm’s way, something Spock had likewise constantly been forced to protect him from.

He did not relish going out in the blizzard, but quite clearly, he was alone in the house and he had to find Jim. He walked to the coat rack and reached for the coat Jim had given him.

The back door opened and in walked a bundled up Jim. Spock’s heart could beat again.

“Where have you been?” Spock demanded, his voice sharp and hoarse to his own ears.

Jim removed a hat from his head and a scarf from around his neck. His expression was unreadable or more like closed off.

“Went for a walk.”

“In a blizzard?”

Jim shrugged. “I needed some air.”

“You could have been injured. Gotten frost bite.”

Jim smiled then, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Do I look like Frosty the Snowman to you?”

“I do not understand the reference.”

“I’m fine, Spock. Nothing happened to me except I got a little cold.” He removed his jacket and hung it on the rack.

An unpleasant thought occurred to Spock. “Were you cutting?”

Jim laughed, though Spock had no idea what could possibly be humorous. “No, I wasn’t.”

Spock went to him then, and shoved his sleeves up to his elbows but there were no new marks.

“Told you,” Jim said, lowering the sleeves. “Now unless you want me to strip down to nothing for you to inspect my body, you are going to have to take my word for it.”

Spock, who had opened his mouth to further argue, closed his mouth. “My apologies. I was concerned when I found you had left the house. I may have overreacted.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to start a pot of coffee, then I’m going to take a shower to warm up. When I come back down maybe we can eat breakfast.”

As Jim walked past Spock, he got a faint whiff of alcohol. Spock clenched his fists. He followed Jim into the kitchen and watched him start the coffee, but otherwise he did not comment.

“Okay. Going to get that shower.”

Jim went up the stairs without looking back, though Spock could hardly take his eyes off Jim.

Not a word about what had happened between them the night before. While it was true Spock had not brought it up either, he had been focused on Jim’s welfare. Was Jim intent on pretending they had not shared a kiss?

Since he could still taste Jim’s lips on his, that would be difficult for Spock to pretend. While he made tea, Spock listened for the sound of the shower running.

Then he took his PADD to the dining room table and checked his messages. There was one from Nyota checking on him. She still believed him to be on New Vulcan and he did not correct her.

There was also a message from his father inquiring into any progress Spock had made.

_Father,_

_So far I have made very little progress in Riverside. Jim remains as difficult to manage as he ever was, perhaps more so in this environment. I will remain here with Jim until either my task has been completed or he moves to another location, at which time I will go with him._

_Spock_

He considered sending a message to his counterpart regarding his cold treatment of Jim. It bothered him on a level Spock could not quite put his finger on. But he hesitated to interfere with Jim’s interpersonal relations. Jim had always been a very private man who did not care at all to have others pry into matters he did not wish them to know.

Spock next considered a note to Dr. McCoy, since he was concerned for Jim’s health. He was of the opinion the doctor was unaware of Spock’s presence in Riverside, though, and he believed if he alerted McCoy to his being with Jim, the doctor would likely drop his plans and come to Riverside to protect Jim from Spock. Jim needed absolutely no protection from Spock of course. There was no one who would see to Jim’s welfare better than he.

Ultimately, Spock decided not to contact his counterpart or Dr. McCoy. At least not at this point. With the blizzard still raging there was little either of them could do for Jim, directly, anyway. And Spock found having Jim to himself rather pleasant.

Jim came down the stairs only moments later wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt that seemed molded to his chest. On his feet were slippers Winona had given Jim for Christmas.

“Are you warm enough in that attire?” Spock asked as Jim reached into a cabinet for a mug. The shirt crept up when Jim stood on his toes, revealing golden skin.

Jim shrugged as he put the mug down and picked up the coffee carafe. The shirt now covered the brief glimpse of skin and Spock tried not to be disappointed. “I tend to run pretty hot.”

“Are there letters on that mug?” Spock asked.

“Huh?” Jim looked down at the mug. “Oh. Yeah. I got this from the back. I need to wash mugs, I guess.” Jim grinned. “It says _Too Hot to Handle_.”

“I do not understand. If the mug is too hot to—”

Jim laughed. “No, Spock. It’s, well, sort of a sexual reference. Like a double entendre.”

“Oh.” Spock lowered his gaze to his tea.

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t buy it. I’m guessing Winona did. So, omelets for breakfast?”

“That would be agreeable, but I can make them if you prefer.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ve made lots of omelets.” Jim went into the refrigerator and removed eggs, cheese and vegetables.

“Something you frequently cooked for yourself?”

“Yeah, it was fast and easy.”

“Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“How long were you under the care of your stepfather, Frank?”

Jim went taut about the shoulders. “Long enough.”

“You do not wish to discuss it?”

“Nope.”

“How long were you alone with him once your brother left?” Spock persisted.

Jim flashed him a fake smile. “Now that’s discussing it, isn’t it? And I’m pretty sure I told you right after you first arrived I don’t talk about that time in my life with friends. Actually, I really don’t talk about it with anyone, if I can help it. Let’s keep it that way, okay?”

“Perhaps it would help.”

“There is no possible way talking about how many times I was raped will help me, Spock. None. Or how many broken bones I had. _Any_ of that. It’s done. Drop it.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. When he lifted his tea to his lips his hands shook. For a moment he let the silence stretch between them.

“About last night—”

The spatula Jim had been using slipped from his fingers and hit the counter. “I already apologized for that. It won’t happen again.”

Jim’s tone was so distant Spock thought perhaps it would be best to drop it for the time being.

“How did you sleep last night?” he asked instead.

“Fine.”

“No dreams?’

Jim sighed and plated an omelet. “I didn’t sleep, okay? I was up all fucking night. Here’s your omelet.” He put the plate in front of Spock.

“Where is yours?” Spock asked when Jim made no move to return to the stove.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You have not eaten since we were at the restaurant yesterday.”

Jim shrugged.

“At least eat half of this one.”

Jim rolled his eyes but he did get a plate and bring it to the table, taking half the omelet.

They ate in silence but Spock continued to watch Jim, noting the bloodshot eyes.

“Are you planning on staring at me all day?” Jim asked, smiling a little.

“You have been drinking,” Spock said, before he could stop himself.

“Yeah.”

“You had quit for a few days.”

“I haven’t really started up.”

“How do you explain drinking today then?”

Jim drummed his fingers on the table. “I don’t actually need a nursemaid. Even a Vulcan one. You’re here as my friend, Spock, not as my keeper.”

Jim had a point.

“I apologize,” Spock replied stiffly. “I will do the dishes while you rest.”

“I don’t need to rest,” Jim insisted with a frown.

“You did not sleep,” Spock reminded him.

Jim put down his fork with a sigh. “You’re determined, I’ll give you that. And fucking stubborn as hell.”

“Yet you could out stubborn me.”

That made Jim laugh, a welcome sound in the tense house.

“Yeah, maybe I could. Fine, Mr. Spock. I’ll try to sleep.”

“I would be gratified.”


	23. Breathing

Spock was in the middle of meditation when his chest suddenly constricted so tight it was as though bands had been pulled taut and then squeezed. He gasped out loud with the pained attempt to breathe.

He tried to get air into his lungs and realized he could easily. Yet his chest still burned.

 _Jim_.

Spock rose instantly and left his room to go to Jim’s room. The door was closed, but not locked, he realized as he turned the knob. His heart nearly stopped when he saw Jim lying still on the bed on his back, wheezing and struggling, his expression one of pain.

“Jim!” Spock hurried forward and lifted Jim’s back up until he was in a sitting position. “Jim, wake up!”

After a few attempts to gently shake him awake failed, he put his fingers to Jim’s face. “Jim, wake up.” The burning in his own chest eased. “Wake up.”

Jim gasped and sat up in the bed. He took in huge lungfuls of air. Spock held on to him.

“You are all right now,” Spock said soothingly.

Jim nodded but said nothing, just continued to take big gasping breaths. Spock continued to hold Jim, still quite unwilling to release him. He was careful not to touch skin as he knew the bare contact made Jim uncomfortable.

“Can you speak?”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “What…the…fuck.”

“Were you dreaming?”

“Yeah. About-about when I died.”

“You dream about that?” Spock could not seem to prevent his fingers from gently smoothing a lock of Jim’s hair off his forehead.

“Not in years. At first all the time. But this was worse. God, my lungs were burning. Every time I took a breath, it burned.” Jim closed his eyes. “Just like then.”

“I could not wake you at first.”

“How did you know I was having trouble?” Jim asked, opening his eyes and pulling back slightly to look at Spock.

“I heard you.”

“Well, it’s a good thing. Jesus. What a vivid dream. And the breathing. Was that an allergy?”

“I do not know. We do not have the doctor’s hyposprays for relief either. Perhaps we should contact—”

“No. He’ll come here then.”

“If you require his assistance, then I am certain he would rather be here.”

“I don’t, Spock. I just need to stop sleeping.”

“You need to sleep, Jim.”

“These nightmares are fucking killing me. It’s this house. It brings up all this crap and I just can’t handle it.”

“Perhaps you should leave Riverside,” Spock suggested. “If you have an alternate destination, I will accompany you.”

For a long time Jim simply stared at Spock, but then he frowned. “Why?”

“Why?”

“Yes, why. Why are you here, Spock? Why would you go somewhere else with me?”

“Because you are my friend,” Spock softly reminded him.

Jim shook his head and pulled away a little further but not completely out of Spock’s arms. “You could be anywhere, Spock. With anyone. With Uhura. With a Vulcan. With pretty much whoever you want because you-you’re amazing. Why are you here with me? I’m so fucked up I’ll never be normal.”

“Normal is overrated.”

A ghost of a smile appeared on Jim’s face. “I know.”

“I do not have a lot of friends,” Spock said. “In fact you may be my only true friend.”

“What about Uhura? You two are friends, right?”

“It is more like friendly exes.”

“Bones. He’s your friend.”

“Perhaps,” Spock allowed. “But he is not like you. You know me better than anyone else does or ever could.”

“That’s funny, Spock, because sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all.”

Spock nodded. “I feel the same about you. No matter how much I know about you or think I do, you always surprise me. There are many layers within you.” He watched Jim for a moment. “You are breathing normal again.”

“Yeah. So much for sleeping. I’m so tired though.”

Spock hesitated, but then said, “I can help you sleep.”

“A mind-meld? I don’t think so.”

“It would be only a very slight surface meld. You would not feel it nor would you dream.”

Jim sighed. “I don’t know, Spock. You’ve already been in my head way too much as it is.”

“I would not be, as I said, I would not even get a whisper of a thought.”

Jim seemed to think about it for several minutes, but then he nodded. “Okay. This one time. But no brain harvesting.”

Spock arched a brow. “I will not.”

He reluctantly allowed Jim to pull away and lay back down on the bed. The lock of hair he had brushed from Jim’s forehead had once more crept forward and Spock’s fingers wanted to touch the silky hair, but he resisted. His goal was to ease Jim’s suffering and allow him to sleep undisturbed.

Spock hoped he could control the tremor in his hand as he lifted it to Jim’s face. It was almost impossible to maintain his control around Jim now.

He met Jim’s blue gaze, which was very intensely focused on Spock. His heart rate increased. He spread his fingers over Jim’s cheek. “Sleep.”

The lids of those intense blue eyes slowly lowered and Jim’s breathing evened out. For a moment, Spock kept his hand on Jim’s face. He would stay out of Jim’s mind as he promised, but the feel of skin beneath the pads of his fingers was a welcome relief. With Jim’s avoidance of Spock’s touch, he had become almost touch starved for this human.

Spock closed his eyes and exhaled very slowly. He watched Jim sleep for ten minutes never moving his fingers from Jim’s cheek. He would have to, of course. He could not spend hours watching and touching Jim.

Finally, with reluctance, he removed his hand from Jim’s face, and rose from the bed. He thought about sitting in the chair in the room to keep an eye on Jim, but Spock knew most humans did not care to be watched while vulnerable, and certainly Jim would feel this way as Jim was always very careful about wanting to be seen as tough.

Spock left Jim’s room, but he left the door open so that he could hear if Jim was under distress. He should not be, but Spock would take no chances.

When Spock got downstairs he noted that the snow had eased up just a bit. He suspected the blizzard would end soon and Winona would then return to the farmhouse. He made himself more tea and then sat down to write Montgomery Scott regarding any progress made with locating Jim’s brother.


	24. Tit For Tat

Fingers massaged the crown of his skull with a light comforting touch and Spock opened his eyes without fear. Jim stood next to him, smiling faintly. Spock lifted his head from its position resting on his folded arms on the kitchen table.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Jim said softly.

“I fell asleep?” Spock asked, surprised.

“Apparently. Guess I wasn’t the only one who was tired.” Jim put a steaming cup of tea in front of Spock. “I made you tea.”

“You know how to make my tea?”

“Didn’t I tell you before I’m not just a pretty face? And it’s tea, Spock. It’s not complicated.” Jim sat next to him at the table holding a mug of coffee.

“How long have you been awake?”

“A while. I built a fire. Made coffee. Made tea. Talked to Winona. She’ll be back probably tomorrow afternoon. Unless Earl convinces her to stay longer. I told her we were fine here either way. I think she’s getting serious about Earl.”

“He seemed to reciprocate her feelings.”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy, I think. It’ll be nice for her to have someone here when I leave.”

“And when will that be?” Spock asked.

Jim smiled. “I don’t know. But you are free to return to San Francisco or New Vulcan or anywhere whenever you like.”

“I will remain here with you.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Why do you wish to remain in a house you despise?”

“I did say I wasn’t normal.”

“You are evasive.”

“That sounds almost like an accusation, Mr. Spock.” Jim sipped his coffee. “Do you dream?”

Spock blinked at the sudden switch of topic. “As I am half-human the answer is yes. Perhaps not as often as a full human.”

“Yeah?” Jim wrapped his hands around his mug like he was using it for warmth. “What do you dream about?”

“I do not always dream or recall them anyway,” Spock replied. “But I have dreamed about my mother. Sometimes when she is alive but most often it is the circumstances surrounding her death. There have been times I have relived the exact moment but others where I manage to save her.” Spock looked down at his tea, then his gaze rose to meet Jim’s. “And when I have awakened to discover I did not, it is…difficult.”

Jim’s eyes had a wet sheen to them and he blinked rapidly several times. “I’m sorry.”

“You are in no way responsible.”

“I know. But…still.”

“I have had dreams about the Volcano on Nibiru only instead of myself being in the Volcano it is you and I am unable to rescue you.”

“Spock—”

“And I, too, have dreamed of your death in the warp core where I have been forced to watch you expire before my eyes over and over.”

For perhaps five minutes neither of them said a word.

“Do you ever dream about something pleasant?” Jim whispered.

“I am certain I must, however, those seem to be the dreams I cannot recall.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips. “Yeah.”

“And now I request that you reveal some personal information to me,” Spock said quietly.

“Huh?” Jim frowned.

“I believe the term is tit for tat, is it not?”

Jim didn’t respond at first and for a moment Spock thought he would not share anything. He supposed he could not entirely blame Jim. He was certain Jim believed he had already shared far more than he intended.

“The first time Frank came into my room I had no idea what he wanted,” Jim spoke without inflection, his tone flat. “I couldn’t fathom it. Or maybe I could. I thought he came to hit me like he’d hit Sam so many times. I wasn’t ready for that either, but it wasn’t like I’d never been the recipient of his fist. So when instead he sat on the bed right by where my head lay I didn’t know what he intended. He spoke of how…” His voice broke, wavering just a little.

Spock could not bear it. “Jim—”

“How pretty my eyes were.” Jim shook his head. “For the longest time I hated my eyes. And then he…the next time he came to my room, I knew what to expect. The third time, I had a knife, but Frank was stronger than me and he used it against me instead.”

“You-you do not have to say anymore,” Spock whispered.

Jim nodded. “Good.” He stood up. “I need more coffee. You want tea?”

Spock had barely drunk any of the tea and it was now cold. He stood up, also. “I will make more.”

“You want soup or something for dinner?”

“Yes, but I will make it since you made breakfast.”

Jim smiled a little. “That seems a long time ago now.”

“You did not eat much. I would like to see you eat more, Captain.”

Jim huffed out a laugh. “Are we back to that, Commander?”

“Do not try to avoid the topic by redirecting.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll eat more. I really don’t need you to take care of me, Spock.”

“Perhaps not, but I intend to do so, nevertheless.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “For Starfleet?”

“For me. And for you.”


	25. Confession

After dinner, Jim sat on the couch, legs tucked under him, with his PADD. He was playing some sort of game with Mr. Scott, he’d told Spock. Every once in a while his face would break out into a smile or he would chuckle to himself.

He almost looked boyishly innocent and Spock, who was supposed to be doing some Starfleet work on his own PADD, could not look away.

Of course even as a child, Jim had not known innocence. Something that troubled Spock excessively. Jim should have had a good childhood, not the monstrous one he’d experienced.

Perhaps Spock knew far more than Jim had wanted Spock to know. While some of it had been unintentional, in the beginning anyway, not all of it was. He had deliberately accessed Jim’s dreams, memories apparently. Most of his own kind would have been appalled at Spock’s indiscretion.

“Jim,” Spock said softly.

Jim’s gaze rose from his PADD, piercing through Spock. “Yeah?”

“I believe I need to make a confession.”

“I’m not a priest or anything.”

“I am aware, however, it does concern you.”

Jim gave a little sigh. “One moment.” He pressed several buttons, and then set his PADD down. He looked at Spock expectantly. “Okay.”

“I should not have interrupted your leisure activity.”

Jim smiled. It was one of his practiced, artificial smiles. Spock recognized it. “Well, you did. So?”

Spock steepled his fingers together. “I…invaded your dreams.”

Jim frowned. “I know. We talked about that already.”

Spock nodded, exhaled slowly. “You refer to the time my invasion was unintentional.”

“Yeah, but…wait. What?” He narrowed his eyes. “Why are we talking about this now?”

“It has been on my mind. Though my actions were well-intentioned, they were wrong.”

Jim had gone very rigid. “What are you talking about?”

“The first night your mother went to stay with Earl during the blizzard, you had a disturbing dream.” Spock clenched his hands together. “It was…I could not let you suffer.”

“And?”

“I entered the dream and…caused you to forget it,” Spock said quickly. “It was a particularly unpleasant memory of you as a child involving your stepfather and another man. Vulcans are capable of—”

“What the fuck?” Jim interrupted, his face red with rage. “You-you didn’t make me forget my dream, you stole my memory!”

Spock controlled the wince that threatened. “That was not my initial intention, I sought only to relieve the dream, however, the memory was so disturbing, to you, to me, that I thought to dispel it.”

“How dare you.”

“Jim—”

“It’s my fucking head, Spock. You don’t get to decide what’s in it.”

“I realize I erred—”

“You’re damn right you fucking erred. Whatever’s in my head is fucking private and you have no right, none, to ever be in my head. You’re my friend, Spock. I know you care about me. But no one ever gets to fuck with my brain.”

“I know you are angry.”

“Angry doesn’t even begin to cover it.” Jim stood. He was shaking with fury and his fists were clenched. “Let me make this extremely clear, Spock. Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me. Again.”

This time he could not control the wince or the sharp pain in his side.

“Yeah, I’ve been through a lot of shitty things. And yeah they fucking rip me apart sometimes. But who I am, what I am, is because of those things. I’ve survived. I don’t even know how sometimes. And it’s in spite of all that shit. No one… _No one_ …gets to decide for me but me. I’ve had enough things stolen from me, Spock. Enough.”

Jim moved over to the coat rack and pulled off his coat and shrugged into it.

“Where are you going?” Spock asked, hoping to keep the sharpness out of his voice.

“Out.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Just out.”

And Jim was out the door, slamming it after him.

For a long time Spock just stood there wondering if he ought to go after Jim. He did not know what to do for Jim. Perhaps he should have continued to withhold the information from Jim, but it had felt like a lie of sorts and Vulcans were not supposed to lie.

But the longer he stood there inert, the more Spock became convinced he should go after Jim. He grabbed his coat, hat, and scarf.

It was already dark but it was only lightly snowing so the worst of the blizzard had gone but Spock still did not want Jim driving anywhere, not as angry and upset as Jim was. He made his way immediately to the barn.

To both his relief and dismay, Jim was in the barn. Relief because he had not gone somewhere without Spock knowing where to look for him and dismay because Jim was on the floor of the barn clutching the front grille of one of his stepfather’s classic cars.

Jim didn’t look at Spock, but he did say, his voice wavering, “I fucking hate him so much.”

“I know.”

Jim shook his head. “No, you don’t. You can imagine, sure. But you don’t really know what it’s like to have someone whose supposed to protect you from the monsters be that very monster. No matter how many cars I let go over that cliff, no matter how much cutting I do or dreaming I do or living I do, or living on the edge and just almost going over it I do, he never goes away. He’s fucking dead, I saw it with my own eyes, but he’s still with me.” His voice broke. “I’ll never be free. I hate him so much.”

Spock crouched down next to Jim and then sat close to his side. “I do as well. Hate is not an emotion I allow myself to feel often as it is ugly and unpleasant, but I find there are a few that I hate nevertheless.”

Jim closed his eyes and leaned against the car. His breath hitched. “Who?”

“Nero for taking my mother, my planet and my people from me. Khan for his crimes, including your death. And your stepfather for everything he has ever done to you,” Spock said quietly.

Tears now fell down Jim’s face. “Why me? I always ask that, you know? Why me? And I never get any answers.”

“There is no explanation for monsters of that nature, Jim.”

For a long time Jim just stared ahead, his blue eyes wet and red, and then he nodded slowly. “I vowed a long time ago that he wouldn’t get any tears out of me anymore but it was a lie. Sometimes it’s like…my soul is crying.”

“Jim—”

“If I have a soul,” Jim added softly. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“We can leave here anytime you wish.”

“No. You misunderstand.”

Spock’s stomach twisted into knots and his heart gave a strange little lurch. “Explain.”

“Not just Riverside. I-I don’t think I can do this anymore, Spock.”

Spock reached for Jim’s hand and grasped it, even though Jim had demanded he not touch him again. He pushed as much comfort and calm as he could at Jim through the contact. He gripped Jim’s hand tightly.

“You can. You will.”

Jim gave a little sob. “It hurts.”

“I know, ashayam. But I am here. You are not alone.”

A hitch in his breath again. “Promise?”

Spock nodded, squeezing Jim’s hand. “I promise.”


	26. Part Three: Jim and Spock

“I’m not really sure you drive any better than I do,” Jim commented as Spock pulled his hover car to the side of the bar.

“My skill in driving far surpasses yours, Captain.”

“Hmm. That sounds prideful, Mr. Spock. Do Vulcans display pride?”

Spock arched a brow. “I am stating a fact, not being prideful.”

Jim laughed. “Sure, sure. Whatever you say.”

It felt good to laugh. At least a little. He was out of practice, really, since arriving in Riverside. It had been a mistake coming here, Jim knew that positively now. However, he felt kind of stuck here because of Winona.

Not that she had been spending a lot of time with him lately. She’d moved on to her usual pattern of zeroing in on the next man who was supposed to make her happy. Earl seemed a decent sort, which was more than Jim could say about all the rest. But the fact remained Winona didn’t really want to deal with the Kirk boys. Jim, Sam, and their father, George. It was too much for her. Always had been. Well, since that fateful day anyway.

She was trying. Or had been. Jim was trying, too. So, here he was still in Riverside.

“If you have changed your mind about visiting this establishment, I can return to the farmhouse,” Spock spoke up when Jim made no move to exit the vehicle.

Jim shook his head. “Just thinking. But you didn’t have to come, Spock. I know this isn’t your kind of thing.”

“It is not, but I do not want you to go alone.”

“We won’t stay long,” Jim promised. He wasn’t even sure why he wanted to come here. It was just after his emotional outburst of a few hours ago, Jim needed something as a distraction. Sure, booze was probably a bad idea. Here he was anyway.

He opened the door and got out of the hover car. So did Spock.

As they approached the door of the bar, Jim noticed a guy hanging around outside. He seemed vaguely familiar. He was about to comment on the guy to Spock when the guy turned toward him with a sneer.

“Oh, you again, Mama’s boy,” the man said. “You here to protect your mommy?”

Now Jim remembered him. He was the loser who’d been trying to hit on Winona. “Oh, fuck off.”

“Asshole. I ought to rearrange your face.” The guy moved fast, slamming Jim into the side of the building so hard it knocked the wind out of him. But that was all he had the chance to do because Spock grabbed him by his neck and lifted him up and away from Jim.

Jim panted, trying to catch his breath, even as he watched Spock push the guy against the wall next to where Jim had been.

“Hey, hey, we’re old friends,” the guy said frantically. “No reason to get upset.”

“Spock, let him go,” Jim said.

Spock ignored him. “I do not think you are friends. And I am not upset. You would know if I was.”

“Uh, Spock.”

“Go inside, Captain. I will be in there shortly.”

Jim shrugged and with a sigh went into the bar. He had no doubt Spock wouldn’t really hurt the moron. There were two empty barstools to the side of the bar, so Jim headed for them.

“Hey, Cliff. How’s it going?”

“Slow,” Cliff said. “That blizzard killed my business for the last few days. Even now only a few have come in tonight. Your mother and Earl were in here a short bit ago.”

“I’ll have a double whiskey on the rocks. Oh and can you make a cup of tea?”

“Tea?”

“My friend, Spock. He’s Vulcan.”

Cliff eyed him. “Is he an imaginary friend, Jim?”

“Funny. No, he’s outside, dealing with the riffraff.”

Cliff shook his head and moved away.

A moment later, Spock appeared and took the barstool next to him.

“Did you just order me to go into the bar?” Jim asked, somewhat amused.

“It was a suggestion,” Spock said coolly.

“A strong one. Everything okay?”

“Affirmative. I do not believe he will bother you again.”

Cliff returned with Jim’s whiskey as well as a not entirely clean mug with a teabag sticking out of it. Spock quirked an eyebrow as Cliff left.

“You didn’t hurt him, did you?” Jim asked, picking up his glass.

“Vulcans are pacifists.”

“Except when they’re not.”

“Yes,” Spock said with a nod. He removed the teabag from the mug and took a tentative sip.

“Well?”

“It is lukewarm. And rather tasteless.”

Jim chuckled, shook his head.

“How long do you plan to stay here?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Just for a couple of drinks.”

“No, you misunderstand. I refer to Riverside.”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I think when I first agreed to come here I kind of thought of staying here until the next assignment came through.”

“And now?”

“It feels like I’m not really making any progress. Okay, maybe. I mean we had Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time ever and we’ve talked a few times without taking swings at each other, but really, I don’t think we’re ever going to be the perfect mother and son.”

“Is that what you were trying for?”

Jim sighed and sipped his drink. “Some part of me was. I know people who have loving, supportive families.” He glanced at Spock. “Your mother was wonderful to you, wasn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“I wanted that. For so long. But I just don’t think I’m going to get it.”

“For what it is worth, Jim, I believe your mother loves you.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, she does. It’s just…it’s not enough to heal all the damage we’ve done to each other over the years. So, in answer to your question, I really don’t know. I think getting out of here soon might be for the best. That’s what you want anyway, isn’t it?”

“I would not be opposed to it, but I am here for what you need and will abide by whatever decision you make.”

Jim smiled. “You’re a really good friend, Spock.” And that’s what Spock was to him. A friend. He was readjusting to that. The truth was it had always been only a friendship and it had been Jim reading other things into it.

“I am gratified you think so.”

“I do. I don’t have a lot of friends. Never have. Comes with being a loner, I guess. There’s Bones and you. Oh, sure I’m friendly with some of the rest of the crew, but I think if they got reassigned to other ships, we’d start to lose touch with each other. It’s the way of things. Mostly. But you and Bones? I think we’ll always know each other and always be friends.”

“Jim?” Spock’s voice was soft.

“Hmm?”

“About what happened earlier today.”

Jim stiffened and downed the rest of his drink. He gestured to Cliff for a refill and then he plastered on his fake smile. “What about it?”

“I wish to make it clear I will not invade your mind without your permission again.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded, exhaling slowly. “Yeah. Okay. I appreciate that. And I’m sorry I got so angry.”

“You had every right to be displeased with me.”

Cliff placed another drink in front of Jim. “More hot water?” he asked Spock.

“No, I am content with my current supply.”

Cliff glanced at Jim, shook his head, and moved off.

“Let’s forget all that, Mr. Spock.”

“Very well.”

Jim frowned and took a sip. “What was that word you used anyway?”

“Word, Captain?”

“Back in the barn. Some Vulcan word. Um, not sure. Started with an ‘a’ or something.”

“Ah.” Spock nodded. “The translation into standard would not be precise, but it is a word used for someone a Vulcan is close to.”

Jim smiled. “Well, cool.” He finished his second drink in just a couple of large swallows and then handed Cliff his credit chip. When Cliff returned it to him, Jim turned to Spock. “You ready to head back into Hell House?”

“Hell House?”

“The farmhouse. It’s me just trying to be funny and failing as usual.” He slipped off the stool and touched Spock’s arm. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

They made it over to the hover car.

“Want me to drive?” Jim offered with a grin.

“Definitely not.” Spock pushed him toward the passenger side.

Jim put his hand on the door and then stopped to look at Spock as he headed for the driver side. A light snow had begun to fall again and there were flakes on Spock’s dark hair. He didn’t really know why but seeing Spock dusted with snow made his heart yearn for something he would never have.

“Jim?”

“Yeah.” He opened the door and got into the hover car.

****

They had almost reached the door of the farmhouse when Jim’s foot slipped in the snow and he pitched forward toward Spock.

Spock grabbed him and steadied him. He did not immediately release Jim, his hands squeezing Jim’s upper arms very slightly.

“Thanks,” Jim said, his voice whisper soft. “Sorry about that.”

“There is no need to apologize,” Spock replied, his gaze riveting instantly to Jim’s lips when Jim’s tongue darted out and traced across his bottom lip. Spock’s heart did a little flip.

Jim smiled, just a little smirk, an upturn at the corners of his mouth, and he seemed to move closer to Spock. For thirty point two seconds, Spock wondered if Jim intended to kiss him and he prepared himself for the taste of Jim’s lips again.

“You can release me now, Spock. I’ve got a good footing,” Jim said instead and Spock let his hands fall away from Jim’s arms. Jim stuck the key in the door and turned the knob.

Spock forced away the illogical sense of disappointment he felt in that moment and followed Jim into the house. He told himself Jim smelled of alcohol anyway, which Spock did not find appealing.

“I intend to make myself a cup of tea to rid myself of the unpleasantness of the one in that establishment. Would you care for one?” Spock asked.

Jim shook his head. “No. I’m going to go up and go to bed. Try to get some sleep. See you in the morning, Mr. Spock.”

“Good night, Captain.”

Spock picked up his PADD, which he had discarded earlier before they’d gone to the bar, from the table in the dining room. He had two messages. One from Starfleet and one from Montgomery Scott. He opened the one from Mr. Scott first.

_“Commander, I’ve located Sam Kirk’s last location. Sector 5 near Space Station 8. Last known contact was three months ago though. I’ll try to come up with something more concrete to give to the commodore. Scott.”_

Commodore? Spock wondered who Mr. Scott referred to and why this commodore would care about Jim’s search for his brother.

He opened his next message, the one from Starfleet, which cleared up the matter. Jim had accepted a promotion to Commodore three days prior, according to Spock’s message. Spock wondered why Jim had not informed either him or his mother. Of course, perhaps Jim had notified Winona and Spock did not know about it.

Spock made his way upstairs and tapped on Jim’s door. “Jim? Are you asleep?”

“No. Come in, Spock.”

Spock opened the door. Jim wore only his boxer briefs. Spock stared at all the bare skin on display. His mind swam with the need to touch. His pulse raced.

“What is it, Spock?” Jim reached for a T-shirt lying on the bed and then crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Spock straightened. “You have been promoted to commodore.”

“Oh. Right.” Jim shrugged, then added a smile. “Sorry. I meant to mention it.”

“Yet you did not.”

“Forgot. It’s no big deal.”

“I disagree.”

Jim sighed, his fingers gripping the T-shirt he still held. “It’s, you know, just something the brass does. I get a little pay grade raise. How’d you find out?”

“I was notified by Starfleet.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips again. “Okay.” Spock just stood there, staring. “Anything else?”

“Mr. Scott has discovered some potential news concerning your brother. He plans to further investigate it but his last known whereabouts was by Space Station 8.”

“All right. Thanks. I’ll let Winona know.” Jim’s smile was a little puzzled. “Anything else?”

Spock took three steps toward Jim. His fingers curled into his palm. “Meditation.”

“What?”

“I need… meditation,” Spock said, even as he felt his blood heat.

Jim blinked. “Well, okay.”

Spock took another step closer to Jim’s bare skin. “I must—must—touch.”

He seized Jim’s biceps in his grip and brought their bodies flush together.


	27. What an Endless Night This Has Been

As soon as Spock saw the panicked look in Jim’s blue eyes, Spock’s control slammed back into place like a door shutting tight. Before Spock could move away, Jim was shoving at him, desperate to get away. Spock loosened his hold immediately.

Jim had lost color to his face and his irises were wide, his pupils huge.

“No. No, Jim. It’s me. It is Spock. I will not hurt you.”

Jim froze. Took another step back. His breathing was shallow.

“I did not mean to frighten you.” Spock swallowed painfully.

“I…you didn’t,” Jim whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“I am the one who is sorry. I would never harm you.”

“I know that.”

“You are the last I would ever hurt,” Spock told, speaking gently.

Jim’s gaze fluttered from Spock, across the room and then back again. Even though he didn’t say anything Spock knew what Jim was thinking and it made him ache.

“I would…never do that again. That was during my mother’s death. It was…my control.”

Jim nodded, perhaps a little too quickly. “I know. No, I know. That was, that was my fault.”

“It was no one’s fault but Nero’s. I regret that time and I would not touch you in such a manner again.”

“I know.”

Spock thought of something. “Jim, what happened to you here…in this house. It was not your fault.”

Jim just stared at him, his eyes still wide.

“It was not,” Spock said again.

Jim nodded.

“Ashaya—”

“What does that mean? Really?”

“It is…difficult to explain.”

“Try me.”

“An endearment.”

Jim frowned, but his eyes were no longer quite as wide and frightened. “And why would you use it for me?”

“You are precious to me,” Spock said softly.

Color was returning to Jim’s face to Spock’s relief.

“We’re friends.”

“Yes, we are,” Spock agreed.

Jim stepped toward the bed, where his shirt had fallen and picked it up. As Spock watched he pulled it over his head and then yanked it down to cover his chest.

“I’m sorry for all that,” Jim said. “You just surprised me.”

“You do not owe me an apology.” Spock took a cautious step toward Jim, but this time Jim did not move away. He raised his hand toward Jim’s face. “May I?”

“A meld?”

“No.”

“All right.”

Spock’s fingers curved over Jim’s jaw. He felt the jump of a muscle. And Jim’s surface emotions…confusion, anxiety, love. His thumb grazed across Jim’s bottom lip.

“Spock, I—”

But Spock shook his head and the words died. He leaned forward and placed a rather chaste kiss on Jim’s lips. Cautiously. Jim blinked, his eyes clouding in confusion but he did not pull away from Spock.  

“I would be whatever you want me to be,” Spock said softly. “Brother. Friend. Lover. Protector. I would give my life for yours. I would kill for you. I would die for you. Whatever it is you require of me.”

“But I—”

“Jim,” Spock whispered. “I want to make this very clear.” He now cradled Jim’s face in his hands. “You were not at fault for what happened to you.”

Jim closed his eyes.

“You were not at fault. Ever.”

Jim clenched his eyes tight.

“Not once.”

“I was too weak.”

“No. He was a monster. You were innocent.”

Jim visibly swallowed. “But if I hadn’t been so weak. If I had fought back more. If I didn’t have blue eyes.”

“None. Of. That. Mattered.” Spock kissed his cheek where the tear was leaking out from the corner of his eye. He tasted the saltiness of the tear. “He was…evil.”

Jim gave a little hitched laugh. “Do Vulcans believe in evil?”

“There are some who require an exception.”

Though Jim allowed Spock to hold his face he made no move to touch Spock, his arms held straight to his sides. Spock released Jim’s jaw and slid his hands down Jim’s biceps…carefully, slowly. Jim opened his eyes and stared at Spock. He was relieved there was no fear in the blue depths.

“Is this allowed?” Spock asked.

Jim’s nod was almost imperceptible. Just a slight tilt of his chin.

Spock’s hands moved down to Jim’s forearms, which were bare. He caressed them lightly. He’d always been fascinated by the freckles that dotted Jim’s skin, but just then he held Jim’s gaze, unable to look away from the haunted depths of the cerulean blue.

Spock leaned forward again, tilting his head to have better access to Jim’s lips, which were warm, soft and dry. Still Jim did not move from his stiff posture, but his lips softened under Spock’s and he kissed back. Spock considered that a victory.

He broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against Jim’s. The tears had stopped and Spock was gratified.

“You are fatigued.”

“A little,” Jim admitted. “But I hate to sleep. Too many memories.”

“Sleep with me.” He felt Jim’s surprise through their skin contact. “I will stay here with you while you sleep or you can sleep in my bed, whichever you prefer.”

“With you there.”

“Yes. I will not invade your mind.”

“I know that.”

“I would offer you the comfort of my presence. Will you accept?”

Jim pulled away a little, staring into Spock’s eyes. “Are you certain that is what you want, Spock?”

“It is, yes. As I said, I would be whatever you require of me.” Spock exhaled. “I offer myself in place of anyone else you would seek these things from.”

Jim shook his head. “Being my friend doesn’t obligate you to be anything else but a friend, Spock. I don’t expect anything else from you. I know what I said before, back on the Enterprise and when you first arrived here, but your friendship is enough. It means more to me than anything. I never want to lose that.”

“You cannot,” Spock assured him. His arms slipped down to Jim’s waist. He carefully inched his fingers under the shirt to feel Jim’s skin there. “And if I wish to be something more?”

Jim’s breath hitched as Spock’s fingers drew circles on his back. “More?”

His lips grazed across Jim’s stubbled jaw to his ear as he whispered, “Much more.”


	28. No Ordinary Love

For a moment the panic almost came back, but Jim firmly pushed it away. This was Spock. A confusing, crazy-talking Spock but nevertheless Spock. Jim did not need to fear him. Or anyone really, he reminded himself.

Spock’s lips were on his jaw and he was holding Jim close, like a lover. And speaking words of a lover. Or potential lover. It was incredible and Jim so wanted to lose himself in it. In Spock. But this…this was not right. Spock didn’t love him. Not like that. He’d said so.

“Spock,” Jim said, and the word came out far more shaky than he had intended. Forcing calmness he did not feel into his voice, he tried again. “Listen. I know you think I-I want this, but I don’t.”

Spock stiffened. “You do not?”

“No, Spock. No. I can accept you as my friend. I really can. My best friend. I don’t need you to be anything else.”

“You do not want me to be anything else?”

Jim’s feelings hadn’t changed, of course. They never would. But he didn’t think Spock’s feelings had changed either, and Spock wanted to be Jim’s friend. Only. “No.”

Spock stared at him for a long time, his dark eyes inscrutable. His hold on Jim had loosened but he had not moved away. “I do not believe you.”

Jim blinked at that. “What?”

“You are rejecting me on purpose.”

“Rejecting you?” Jim laughed at that. “I’m not. Because there’s nothing to reject. I’m your friend. You feel like taking care of me because you know I’m hurting. And I appreciate that, I do.”

“I do not hold friends like this. I do not offer to share a bed with friends. I do not kiss friends.”

“I know and you don’t have to. That’s what I’m saying.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed. “And you are obtuse.”

“What?”

Spock released Jim but only to grab Jim’s head in both his hands. One hand behind the back of Jim’s head, just above his neck and the other firmly holding on to Jim’s jaw. “I return your regard.”

Jim tried to shake his head but it was difficult with a Vulcan holding him still. “No you don’t.”

“You will refrain from telling me how I feel, Jim.”

“But you said—”

“Allow me to speak,” Spock cut in. “I have…felt close to you for a long time. Before our five-year mission, while I was still with Nyota. At first I did not recognize the emotions that related to you. I had never had a friend like you nor had I had a romantic partner like you. My relationship, my regard for Nyota was not the same.”

“But—”

Spock shook his head. “My feelings for her were soft and tender, the way I had believed love was supposed to be. The way I had witnessed the love between my parents. My father was gentle, considerate, and thoughtful of my mother, and these were the emotions I associated with Nyota as well.”

Jim closed his eyes and tried to pull away from Spock, but the Vulcan’s hold firmed.

“What I feel for you is not gentle, not soft and tender. I feel lust and rage. Possessive and jealous and protective. My blood boils for you. My Vulcan side wishes to claim you, seize you. A part of me wishes to hide you away from others so I am the only one who has you. I would conquer all your enemies and keep you safe. You make me feel entirely illogical. At times, I have fought against it. I had convinced myself this cannot be what is labeled love. Not by human standards. And not by Vulcan standards. Modern Vulcan standards,” Spock clarified.

“If this is all true,” Jim whispered, feeling raw and exposed in a way he never thought to feel again, “why didn’t you say so when I told you how I felt?”

“I have spent years trying to hide my feelings, trying to hide my human side, controlling everything, only to be undone by my Vulcan side. I wished to purge everything.”

“You wished to purge me.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “I wished to seek out a way to end this madness through a Vulcan mate and Kolinahr. But I could not. There is…too much between us.”

“And that’s why you came here.”

“Yes.”

Jim closed his eyes again, swallowed. “But you still fought it.”

Spock did not reply immediately, just stroked his thumb across Jim’s Adam’s apple. When Jim opened his eyes, Spock was staring at him intently, his dark eyes like a swirl of thunderclouds.

“I am ashamed of the intensity of my feelings.”

“I’m sure,” Jim said softly. “But I have enough shame for both of us, I think.”

“You bear no blame for any that has been done to you at their hand, at my hand.” Spock brought their foreheads together. “I do not wish to abuse you as others have. I seek to cherish you.”

“I don’t need that.”

Spock shook his head. “I disagree.”

“I’m not weak. I don’t need to be taken care of,” Jim insisted.

“You are the strongest man I know. The bravest. And whether you need it or wish it, I still desire to take care of you.”

Jim sighed, pressing his forehead against Spock’s. “I don’t know what to do with all of this.”

“You do not need to do anything for now but allow me to lay with you while you sleep.”

“You think that will prevent the nightmares?”

“Perhaps. And if they come, I will be there to wake you and keep you safe.” Spock titled his head away so that he could place a soft kiss on Jim’s lips. “I am not here to use you for mere sexual gratification as others have.”

Jim smiled a little crookedly. “There’s nothing wrong with sexual gratification between two consenting adults.”

“Agreed. However, it is my duty to treat you with care.”

Jim scoffed at that. “Your duty? Doesn’t that go above and beyond the duty of a first officer, Mr. Spock?”

“Indeed,” Spock replied. “But I speak of the duty of t’hy’la.”


	29. Winona's Return

“Wait…what?”

Jim was staring at him in disbelief, a disbelief that unsettled Spock. It was most unwelcome.

“A t’hy’la is brother, friend…lover.”

“I know what one is. The elder you spoke of it.”

At that Spock stiffened. He could not imagine why his counterpart would use such a word with Jim. “Under what circumstances?”

“To speak of his relationship with Kirk. His Kirk. He said Kirk was his t’hy’la,” Jim said with a shake of his head. “He explained the significance of the word. He also said they had bonded before his Kirk’s death.”

“You didn’t speak of this before.”

“Why would I? That wasn’t us. Far from it. You were with Uhura, for one. For most of the time I knew you.” Jim shrugged. “By the time I decided to tell you of my feelings, the other Spock had stopped talking with me. I’m not surprised, really. I seem to turn off Vulcans named Spock.”

“That is most certainly not true. I have already confessed my deep emotions where you are concerned.”

Jim’s eyes were sad. “I have trouble believing it.”

“I am always honest with you.”

“Yeah. It’s just…no one feels that way about me, you know? They think I’m hot and they want to have sex with me or they want to use my brain for whatever strategy they come up with, but they never really know me and want me. They don’t try to know what’s inside because…I don’t know. They don’t like me, maybe.”

Spock smoothed his hand over Jim’s cheek. “You are closed off and many don’t want to dig deep enough to see what is below the surface. I know the man within.”

Jim laughed. “No wonder you ran scared.”

“I suppose I did, but not because of you, Jim, but because of me. The fault was in myself, not you.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

“You will in time. For now, will you sleep with me as I asked?”

“Yeah, okay. Here?” He gestured to the bed.

“No. Come with me.” Spock threaded his fingers through Jim’s and led him out of that bedroom and to the one Spock had been using.

Spock drew back the covers of his bed and gestured to it for Jim to get in.

“This is weird,” Jim said, eyeing the bed but making no move to get in. He glanced at Spock. “Isn’t it?”

“Why do you feel that it is?”

“I’m an adult. I don’t need anyone to sleep with me. Not like this.”

“Perhaps you do not,” Spock said softly. “Perhaps it’s my desire to have you close, so it is what I need.”

Jim shook his head. “You’re just saying that so I don’t feel so stupid.”

“You are not stupid or weak. And I wish you would not say so.”

He just stared at the bed.

“Jim. I know that it is difficult for you to trust. Those who have claimed to love you have done nothing but use you and hurt you. I am willing to wait to earn your trust. But you must meet me halfway.”

“Yeah.” Jim lay on the bed and stared at Spock.

“No harm will come to you.”

Jim smiled a little. “I know that, Spock.”

Spock nodded and after quickly changing into his sleeping robe, slipped into the bed beside his captain—commodore now—and pulled the covers around them.

He touched his fingers to Jim’s. “Sleep well, t’hy’la.”

****

Jim woke before Spock and made his way downstairs to make coffee. To his surprise, Winona sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee.

“Hey. When did you get back?”

She smiled. “Just a little while ago. There’s coffee made.”

He helped himself to a cup, added a generous amount of cream, and then sat down beside her.

“Where’s Spock?”

“Still asleep. How come you came home so early? Things okay with Earl?”

“Oh, yeah, they’re fine,” Winona said. “Just missed my son. I mean, I did invite you here, remember?”

Jim nodded. “I remember. To make some last ditch effort to reconcile us.”

“Is it?” She sipped her coffee, gave him an assessing look. “A last ditch effort?”

He shrugged. “Isn’t it? We’ve tried before. Never successfully.”

“That’s true. But in some ways I think we’re both more open to it this time. And at the same time, more closed off.”

“Hardly makes sense.”

“When does it ever make sense with this family?”

Jim acknowledged that was true. “So, Earl.”

“What about him?”

“Are you and he going to ride off into the sunset?”

She laughed low. “I don’t know. He wants to marry me.”

“Yeah? And what does Winona want?”

She smiled wistfully. “She doesn’t really know.”

“Do you even love him?”

“I like him a lot,” Winona said with a shrug.

“That’s far away from love.”

“Well, Jimmy, I’m never going to find what I had with your dad. I know that.”

“Maybe not, but a lot of the problems you’ve had over the years stemmed from you settling on some guy you didn’t really love just because you had to have a man,” Jim told her. “Surely you’ve learned by now you don’t need some asshole guy by your side to prove anything.”

“Earl isn’t an asshole,” Winona insisted.

“Some guys just hide it better than others.”

Her eyes turned sad and she covered his hand with hers. ”If I could take away your pain, I would.”

“If I could make you see how strong you are without all of them, I would.”

Winona sighed. “We’re a pair. Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I ever going to earn you calling me mom all the time? I mean if I still have to work for it, I will. But I want to know if it’s worth it or if no matter what it’s always going to be Winona.”

His chest tightened and his throat clogged with emotion. “Yeah, I…I guess I could try it out and see how it goes.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Mom.”

She smiled. Her eyes glistened just a little and Jim knew she was fighting back tears. “How are things with you, Jimmy?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I left you here for days with just Spock for company. I know he’s not exactly steeped in emotional comfort or anything.”

Jim shook his head. “True. But…I don’t know. He confessed his feelings.”

“His feelings?”

Jim smiled a little crookedly. “Yes, Vulcan feelings. I think he wants us to be…something.”

“That’s good, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“If it’s real, yeah.”

“You don’t think it is? I thought Vulcans didn’t lie.”

He snorted at that. “Yeah well. I don’t really think he’s lying. It’s just—”

“You find it hard to trust that anyone actually loves you,” she said gently, squeezing his hand.

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes briefly, then opened them to stare at her. “The thing is, I think part of me—most of me—expected exactly what I got out of him when I told him I loved him. I don’t actually know how I would have reacted if then he had said he returned my feelings.”

“The screwed up Kirk family.”

“That’s for sure.”

They heard a slight creak on the stairs and both looked up as Spock came down.

“Good morning,” Spock said. He was already dressed in black jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. He looked hot. Jim, who wore sweatpants and a T-shirt with his hair not even combed felt like an ugly duckling compared to him.

“Good morning.”

His mother stood. “Tea, Spock?”

“Yes, but I can make it.”

“No, don’t worry. I have it all set up to brew. Will only take a minute.”

Spock went over to Jim and held out his hand with two fingers extended. For a moment, Jim just stared at them, but then with a nod, he met them, feeling warmth envelope him as the pads of his fingers touched Spock’s. He met Spock’s gaze and saw Spock’s eyes soften.

“How did you sleep?” Spock asked, taking the seat Winona had recently occupied. He maintained skin contact with Jim by moving his fingers down to rest on Jim’s wrist. Jim made no objection.

“No nightmares if that’s what you mean.”

“But did you sleep?” Spock persisted.

“Just a few hours,” Jim admitted. “But at least they were dream free.”

“An improvement to be sure.”

Winona brought Spock his tea. “Since I’m back, I may as well make breakfast.”

“That is not necessary,” Spock said.

“I want to.” She smiled. “Have to take care of my boys.”

Spock arched a brow but wisely did not comment other than to say, “Very well.”

“How did you sleep?” Jim whispered when his mom had moved away toward the fridge.

“My rest was most agreeable. Your presence soothes me.”

“Yeah?” Jim’s presence soothed Spock? Hard to believe.

“Soon you will believe.”

Jim blinked, startled. “Did you get my thoughts?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm. Guess I better not think about how sometimes I want to throttle you.”

It was Spock’s turn to blink. And look startled.

Jim laughed. “Just want to warn you I have some odd thoughts.”

Spock’s lips curved upward ever so slightly. “Don’t we all?”


	30. Not Worthy

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with us into Iowa City?” Jim asked his mother for the second time as he lingered in the back doorway of the farmhouse. “I’m sure you want to get out of Riverside for a while.”

“Actually, no,” Winona said. “I’ve been away for a few days from here and I want to tidy things up. You two being gone for several hours will make it easier.”

“Tidy?” Jim repeated, incredulous. “Spock’s a neat freak.”

Spock arched a brow. “I would prefer not to be called a freak.”

“Yeah, okay. A, um, neat…um. Well, he doesn’t make a mess,” Jim said.

“Indulge me, will you?” his mother asked.

If Spock didn’t know better, he would think Jim did not want to be alone with him. Given that they’d been together the last few days alone, Spock found that odd. But then, perhaps, that was the reason. He was tired of Spock?

“We can go another day,” Jim suggested.

She laughed at that. “Go! Please.”

Jim sighed. “Okay. Come on, Spock.”

They walked out of the farmhouse and toward the barn.

“You do not wish to go?”

“I do. I just, you know, thought it would be good for her too.”

“I believe we should take my hover car,” Spock announced as they neared the barn.

“Yeah?” Jim smiled. “You want me to drive?”

“Certainly not. Since it is a rented vehicle, I am responsible for any damage done to it.”

“Ah, come on, Spock, I’m not going to send it flying over the cliff.”

“No, I will maneuver the hover car. It is your turn to enjoy the scenery.”

Jim got in then without further argument and Spock got behind the controls.

As Spock drove off the property and onto the roads leading toward Iowa City, Spock noticed Jim stared out the window, his expression pensive.

“If you did not care to spend the day with me, it was all right to say so,” Spock said after a moment.

Jim shook his head but did not look at Spock. “No, it’s not that. I’ve never had trouble spending time with you, Spock.” Then he gave a very slight sigh. “Well not before my confessed feelings to you anyway.”

Spock decided to ignore that for the moment. “Then what is it?”

“I just…feel sad today. I have days like that sometimes,” Jim admitted. “When I came back from Tarsus, they had me talking to all kinds of counselors. About that place, too, but also about the abuse and my moods. They wanted to medicate me.”

“Did they succeed?”

Jim nodded. “For a little while. But I hated the way I felt on all that shit. I was barely coherent.”

“How can I help you?”

“I’m not sure you can. Just being with me helps some.”

Spock was unsatisfied with that. If Jim was sad, Spock should be able to help him. But he was well aware he didn’t know complicated human psyche.

“I would like to discuss leaving Riverside. We have discussed it before, but I think it is time to address it again.”

“I don’t know, Spock. I came here to connect with mom.”

“Is it necessary to do so in Riverside? I do not believe this place is conducive to any healing between you and your mother.” Or anything else for that matter. In Spock’s opinion it was making Jim’s mental state worse.

Jim sighed and closed his eyes. “You’re probably right. I’ll think about it.”

“Very well.”

Jim didn’t say anything further and Spock was not particularly good at small talk. He was uncertain what to say to draw Jim out of this mood or if he should even try.

They were almost to Iowa City when Jim finally spoke. His attention was still on the scenery passing by the hover car.

“Do you really want to be with me?” Jim’s voice was soft, uncertain. It made Spock’s heart clench.

“Yes,” he replied simply.

“I mean for me. Not because I’m your t’hy’la or because they were something. I don’t care about any of that.”

“I do. It is impossible not to care that you are my t’hy’la,” Spock admitted. “It cannot be separated from my emotions, my mental state, my wanting to be with you. They are all tied together. What our counterparts were to each other has no direct bearing on our future, although it is not altogether surprising either.”

“So basically you are saying you want to be with me because I am your t’hy’la.”

“To put it another way, Jim, you are my t’hy’la because I want to be with you.”

Jim smiled a little. “Semantics.”

“Certainly, but no less true. You believe that I only want to establish a relationship between us because I learned you are my t’hy’la. But I have been drawn to you since the very first time I became aware of you. And I have been fighting against it ever since. Ultimately I was unable to do so and I came to Riverside.”

“For peace and meditation,” Jim said, referring to what Spock had said when he had first arrived.

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

Jim shook his head. “I’m not sure what you are agreeing to there. But I am fairly certain Riverside isn’t bringing you much peace.”

“It is not, but that is directly related to you.”

Now Jim did look at him. “I am preventing you from obtaining peace?”

“Whether you like or understand it, Jim, your mental health affects mine.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Perhaps. And no less true.”

As they reached Iowa City, Spock pulled the hover car up to the restaurant they had gone to their last time they were there. They got out and were approaching the restaurant when Jim stiffened beside him.

Spock spotted a man standing outside the restaurant that looked a bit rough and ragged. He also appeared to be quite drunk. He leaned against the wall and was now staring openly at them.

“Well, well, this must be my lucky day,” the man said. “I was just thinking about you, Jimmy.”

Jim said nothing but he went completely rigid.

“You know this man, Commodore?”

The man laughed. “Commodore? You weren’t no commodore when you were bent over the pool table getting fucked in the ass.”

Spock felt instant rage and he took a step forward.

Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm. “Forget it. He’s not worth it. Yeah, I know him. At the bar a little while ago.”

“You bet he knows me. I’ve had my dick in all his openings.”

Spock sucked in a breath.

“No, Spock. He’s a jerk. Just ignore him,” Jim said. “It’s not worth it.”

Spock looked at Jim, saw how he looked all hunched in, all defeated, and he knew Jim was saying that it was Jim who was not worth it. Just then Spock really wanted to hurt all those that had harmed his t’hy’la.

“I got some time, Jimmy.” The guy grabbed his crotch in a crude gesture.

Spock stepped toward him but Jim grabbed his arm. “Jim—”

“And who is this anyway? You got yourself a Vulcan body guard? When I’m done with you, I’ll fuck him next.”

Jim suddenly released Spock and moved past him so fast that Spock didn’t see where Jim went until he was holding the man by the throat against the wall. He saw the flash of metal and realized Jim had a very wicked looking dagger in his hand.

“What was that, you fucker?” Jim demanded. “You want me to slit your goddamn throat?”

The man’s eyes were bugged out as Jim pressed the tip of the blade into his throat. “I-I was just playing around.”

“You’d better watch who you play around with, Sorenson.”

“Yeah, yeah, Jimmy—fuck.” Blood appeared on the man’s neck.

“That’s Mr. Kirk to you.”

“Okay, okay, Mr. Kirk.”

“Jim—” Spock stepped closer, ready to prevent Jim from killing this man and regretting it later.

“Get the fuck out of here. Mortie doesn’t need riffraff like you bringing the place down.” Jim released him and pushed him away from the restaurant. “Now. Before I change my mind.”

The man put his hand to his neck and then ran away, down the opposite side of the street. Spock watched as Jim returned the dagger to a sheath in his boot.

“Do you carry that always?”

“Mostly, yes. Anywhere close to home anyway. And in San Francisco. Comes in handy.” He eyed Spock. His features looked hard, harsh at the moment. Like he was still pumped with adrenaline. “Sorry about that.”

“You were not going to defend yourself, but you defended me,” Spock said quietly.

“Yeah.”

“Jim, you are—”

“Let’s just forget it and go inside to eat, okay?”

Spock reached up and laid his fingertips on Jim’s cheek. “You do not need men like that.”

“No, I know.” Jim shook his head.

“You do not. I know what you believe. I know how you see yourself.” He leaned over and kissed Jim’s forehead. “I want you to see yourself as I see you. As Dr. McCoy sees you. As your mother does. Your friends.”

Jim shook his head again. “Let’s just go inside.”

Spock tamped down his impatience. He could not and would not push Jim. But it was clear to Spock he had a long way to go with gaining Jim’s trust. He dropped his hand from Jim’s face. “Very well.”

Jim smiled. It transformed his face from the harshness it had only moments ago, but Spock was not fooled. The eyes were still as hard as glints of ice.


	31. No Answer

The man they’d seen before, Mortie, embraced Jim when they entered the restaurant.

Spock was not surprised when Mortie drew back with a frown and gazed hard at Jim. Jim was still giving off waves of aggression.

“Are you all right, Jim?”

Jim smiled. “I’m fine. But you’ve got a problem with scumbags hanging around outside your restaurant.”

“Who?” Mortie asked.

“Sorenson.”

“That idiot? I told him to go away before.” Mortie made to go past Jim to the entrance but Jim stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“He’s gone. I don’t think he’ll be back.”

Mortie studied Jim for a bit and then glanced at Spock. “Okay. Good. I’ve got a table back here for you two.”

Spock followed them to the table and took his seat across from Jim as Mortie moved off after handing them menus. His mind was still on Sorenson and the incident outside.

“Have you known Sorenson long?”

Jim looked up from his menu, his blue eyes stormy, though outwardly he seemed to have calmed. “Long time.”

“Specify.”

“We went to school together. High school.” Jim shrugged. “We’ve been pretty much adversaries ever since.”

“And yet—”

“I let him fuck me? Yeah.”

Spock winced. He would not have worded it exactly that way. He would have said ‘used’ because that was what Jim did. Spock curled his fingers toward his palms.

“Why?” he asked after a moment of silence where he tried to get the word to come out.

“You aren’t going to drop this, are you?”

“I would prefer not to.”

“And I would prefer to drop it. Where does that leave us, Spock?”

“Your distress distresses me.”

Jim sighed and he lowered his menu. “Sometimes I need to be used.”

Spock blinked. “I do not understand.”

“I know. That’s why I don’t want to talk about it. I know you won’t ever understand it. I don’t really even understand it myself.”

Spock stared at the menu before him but he was not seeing the words. His heart ached. He did not like this at all. This…this was why he sought to repress his emotions. He was acutely aware of Jim watching him very carefully.

“You-you bring out so much in me,” Spock said quietly. “I am uncomfortable with it.”

“I know that too. That’s why you pushed me away before. I get it, Spock. I’ve always known I was difficult to deal with.”

Spock’s gaze rose. His agitation was reflected in Jim’s eyes and he was uncertain if he was agitated on his own or if it came from Jim. Spock had no experience with a t’hy’la bond. His previous bond had been with T’Pring, whom he had barely known before her death when Vulcan was destroyed. They had bonded as children and Spock had felt nothing for her.

“I would prefer you to come to me,” Spock told Jim.

Jim shook his head.

Spock’s throat felt raw. “Why would you refuse?”

“Because that’s…that’s all about aggression and self-loathing and the need to be treated like I’m nothing.” Jim looked away, at some space over Spock’s head. “I don’t ever want to feel that way with you.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. “It would be impossible for me to treat you as though you were nothing when you are everything.”

Jim closed his eyes and nodded.

At that moment Mortie appeared and Jim opened his eyes and looked at Mortie. “You know, I think we’re actually done here. Are you hungry, Spock?”

“No.”

Jim smiled. “Me either. Sorry, Mortie. Another time?”

“You sure?” Mortie asked, studying Jim closely.

“Yeah. I’m good. Sorry to bother you.” Jim got up and Spock did too.

“It’s no bother. I’m always happy to see you. Something to go and take with you?”

“Not this time. I’ll be in touch soon.” Jim squeezed Mortie’s shoulder and headed for the exit.

When they were outside again, Jim looked up at the sky. “I need to be up there.”

“I am aware.”

“God, I hate this fucking place so much,” Jim whispered.

“I would have to agree.”

Jim looked at him. “Yeah?”

Spock nodded. “It is illogical to hate a physical place. A location. It makes no sense to my Vulcan side. But my human side? Would burn it to the ground.”

Jim suddenly came at him, pushing him against the building and smashing his lips roughly over Spock’s. Spock gave a startled gasp, then opened his mouth as Jim’s tongue pushed inside to assault his. Spock slid his hands down Jim’s back to grab two handfuls of ass, bringing their hard bulges together. He found himself trembling with powerful need and arousal.

Spock turned Jim until he was against the wall, his own tongue plundering Jim’s mouth, hot and needy. Jim’s arms linked around Spock’s neck as Spock ground against him. Blunt fingers threaded through Spock’s hair, tugging on the strands and Spock moaned hoarsely.

Jim tore his mouth way, panting, as Spock’s lips trailed to Jim’s throat. “Not here. Right? We can’t.”

Spock nodded against Jim’s throat and then returned his lips to Jim’s.

“Spock,” Jim gasped as their hard cocks brushed through their pants. “Fuck.”

Jim started shaking and clinging to Spock as though his life depended on it and Spock felt through their tentative link Jim’s orgasm flowing through both of them. He was unable to stop his own release from joining Jim’s as he soiled his pants with cum.

Spock pulled Jim close, leaning their foreheads together while they both caught their breath. He kept alert, making sure no one came upon them in their vulnerable state. He shielded Jim, wanting to keep him safe from…everything.

“That-that was—”

“Unexpected.”

Jim laughed softly. “I don’t know about that. We’ve been dancing around this since we met.”

Spock rubbed his thumb over Jim’s bottom lip. “Yes. We have.”

“We need to get out of here.”

Spock nodded. “Yes. We do.”

He slowly released Jim and turned to survey the area. There was no one around, for which he was gratified. “Given our current state we will need to return to the farmhouse.”

“Yeah.” Jim looked at both of their crotches. “We’re a mess.”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured. “The hover car is over there.”

Jim stopped him with a hand on his arm. “That doesn’t-that doesn’t solve—”

“I know,” Spock agreed.

Jim stared at him, his blue eyes unreadable. “Okay. Let’s go.”


	32. Cherish

Jim hated the awkward after moment and he hadn’t expected to feel it with Spock. Well, once upon a time he hadn’t anyway. Everything to do with Spock hadn’t really turned out to be what he had imagined, so he shouldn’t be surprised. And yet when they both sat in the hover car looking everywhere but at each other Jim couldn’t help but feel a twang of regret.

Perhaps this was why you didn’t have sex with your best friend.

And really what the hell was the matter with him anyway? He wanted things to change with Spock but he wanted them to remain the same? It made no sense at all.

Jim gazed out the window, not really seeing the scenery as the hover car passed.

They had left Iowa City behind for miles when Spock finally spoke and when he did his voice startled Jim.

“Are you all right?” Spock asked with a softness Jim recognized Spock only used with him. Which seemed to be a bit of a contradiction, really. He’d told Jim he had been soft with Nyota, as Spock had been taught affection was all about, but that he didn’t have those soft, tender feelings for Jim.

“I’m not made out of an eggshell, you know? I don’t crack so easily.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Spock nod.

“Perhaps not easily, but you do have cracks,” Spock replied. “A number of fissures.”

Jim felt a lump, painful and large, forming in his throat. He closed his eyes and leaned against the glass of the hover car. “I wish you would forget them.”

“I have an eidetic memory.”

He sounded so damn serious Jim had to laugh. “Yeah I know. I hate you knowing all my weaknesses.”

“They are not weaknesses. They are part of you. They make up the whole of you.”

Jim shook his head.

After that they both became quiet again.

When Spock pulled down the long dirt road toward the farmhouse, Jim couldn’t help staring at the hated property, haunted by its ghosts. Too many.

“Stop here,” Jim urged when they were halfway to the house itself.

Spock did so and Jim could feel his curious gaze on Jim’s face.

“I had grandparents once,” Jim said quietly. “His parents. George’s. When I was little, really little, they’d come to visit her. Sam. And me. The last time they were here? She had just begun to see Frank. They were really nice to us.”

“That is good.”

“Yeah. That last time? I heard them. They wanted to take Sam with them.” Jim swallowed. “Just Sam. They didn’t want me. Sam reminded them of George, I guess. I was too much like her. She said no anyway. She said…that things were getting serious with Frank and she’d probably marry him and the four—the four of us were going to be a family.”

“Jim—”

“What a joke, huh? Anyway, Sam almost got away then. Wouldn’t it have been nice for him if she’d said yes? Sam knew about it too. After they left, Sam called her a bitch. To her face. I was so mad I jumped on his back and bit him.” Jim shook his head. “You can’t see them.”

“What?”

“The ghosts that run through here. Some of them are here in this place and some are in my head.”

When Spock said nothing, Jim laughed, though there was nothing funny.

“Are you sure I’m really your t’hy’la?”

“I am quite sure.”

“Well. You should get a recount, Spock. Because you got a really fucking raw deal.” He sighed and waved his hand. “You can keep going.”

It was cold as they stepped out of the hover car and made their way toward the farmhouse. Judging by the clouds it would rain later. And the wind was picking up, too.

Jim spotted his mom asleep on the couch. He turned to Spock and said quietly, “I’m going to go take a shower.”

Spock nodded.

Jim felt Spock watching him as he made his way upstairs. When he got to the bathroom, he turned on the shower, stripped out of his clothes, and got under the spray. A moment later, he felt tears burn his eyes and then they streamed down his face, mixing with the water of the shower.

He heard the slight click of the door open and close just before strong arms wrapped around his waist and drew him against a muscular chest.

Jim closed his eyes as Spock’s thumb stroked down his cheek through the path of his tears. He leaned back against Spock as long fingers massaged shampoo into his hair and then lowered his head under the spray of water to rinse.

Next Spock soaped him up everywhere, then rinsed the soap too.

There was nothing sexual about Spock’s actions, they were completely caring and cherishing though, as he’d said he wanted to cherish Jim. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had bathed him. It was a luxury he did not have. Not before Spock, anyway.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered next to Jim’s ear.

“Is this really love?” Jim asked, his throat raw.

“I do not know,” Spock said softly, before turning Jim in his arms to face him. Spock’s hands now framed Jim’s face. “Look at me.”

Jim opened his eyes to stare into Spock’s chocolate brown eyes.

“I do not know if I have ever known what love is. I know that you have not. What I do know is this is us. You and me. As we should be. As has been and always shall be.”

Spock dropped his hands from Jim’s face to wrap his arms around Jim’s back, pulling him close.

“You do not need to be afraid or alone anymore.”

Jim shook his head. “You’ll leave.”

“Never.”

“Everyone leaves. Everyone hurts me.”

Spock touched his lips to Jim’s forehead. “T’hy’la.”

“It’s so hard, you know? To trust.”

“I know,” Spock agreed.

Jim drew back until he was once more looking into Spock’s eyes. “But you’ll—you’ll stay?”

“I will stay.”


	33. A Boy Who Could Not Escape

When Spock went downstairs, Winona was in the kitchen making herself coffee.

She smiled at him. “Hello, Spock. I never even heard you two come home.”

Spock inclined his head. “This is not.”

“This is not what?”

“His home,” Spock said quietly. “And that is what I wish to speak to you about.”

“I see.” Her expression closed off. “Where is Jim?”

“He is sleeping. Today was a difficult day.”

She shrugged a little and turned her attention to the coffeemaker. “And that’s my fault?”

“I am not here to assign blame for anything. My interest is not in your motherly feelings with regard to Jim. That is not my concern.”

“Wow. You really are blunt.”

“My apologies. Jim is my priority.”

Winona sighed and poured her coffee. “Believe it or not, he is mine as well.”

“Then you understand why I wish to take him away from this place.”

“Is that what you want to do?” She turned to gaze at him, holding the cup of coffee to her lips.

“Yes. This place has no pleasant memories. It is a place of abuse and misery for him.”

“I invited him here to reconnect with him.” She shook her head. “Connect. We never connected in the first place. This is my chance to have a real relationship with my youngest son, Spock. In case you don’t remember, I’m the one who invited _you_ here. Jim wanted nothing to do with you after you rejected him. Now you just…you want to take him away from me.”

“My intention is to help Jim. I am not attempting to take him away from you. I will not interfere with your wish to reconcile with your son unless it is something he is vehemently against.”

“Isn’t trying to take him away from Riverside doing just that?”

“In order to build upon your relationship I believe neutral ground is required. This is your comfort zone, I understand that. But it is not Jim’s. It does far more harm than good.”

“Well.” She shook her head. “You aren’t a doctor, Mr. Spock.”

“No,” Spock agreed. “But I am his bondmate.”

“Bondmate,” she repeated absently.

“Yes. I am in his mind and he is in mine. We share a link.”

“That’s a Vulcan thing.”

“Yes.”

“Jim’s human.”

“I am aware. Our bond exists nevertheless.”

She turned away again and fiddled with dishes in the sink. “How can that be? Don’t you have to have some bonding ceremony?”

“For ordinary Vulcan bonds, yes. What I have with Jim is not ordinary.”

Winona turned around suddenly, her eyes flashing angrily. “You have some nerve coming to me like this. You weren’t here when he first arrived. You broke him. He was devastated when he first got here and it was because of you. And now you tell me—what— because now all of a sudden you want him after all—I should just give up and let you take my son from me.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “This might be my last chance to get my son to forgive me.”

She buried her face in her hands and let out a sob.

Spock did not deal well with humans and their display of emotions. He had learned to accept this because he had little choice not to, given serving in Starfleet without humans was impossible. The irony that the one he cherished above all others had to be human was not lost on Spock. He was barely prepared to deal with Jim’s feelings, let alone his mother’s overwrought ones.

Eventually, she looked up at Spock, her eyes red. “He never _will_ forgive me, will he? And why should he? I brought that monster into our lives. Everything that happened here, to Jimmy, it’s my fault. Don’t you think I know that? I’d kill that bastard myself if he wasn’t already dead.”

Spock knew humans wanted to be told that it wasn’t their fault. Winona wanted him to tell her that Jim didn’t blame her, that Jim would forgive her. But the truth was…Spock could not tell her any of that. For he did not know if it was true. And Vulcans did not lie.

Her breaths hitched on a sob. “You’re right.”

“About what?” he asked softly.

“Jim doesn’t belong here. This place isn’t a home. It’s a nightmare. And no matter how many cheerful meals I try to fake, no matter how many Christmas trees we put up, none of that will ever matter. That room up there, where my husband raped my son over and over when he was just a child, it will always be there. Tainting Jim, tainting this house. It’s evil just like Frank.”

They were quiet, just staring at each other.

Spock finally said, “Then I can take Jim away from this place?”

“Yeah,” she said fiercely. “It’s over for all of us.”

****

Jim stood between his mother and Spock. At their feet were all the belongings they wanted to save. The clothes they’d brought, PADDS, a few sentimental things Winona had wanted to take. The Christmas presents they’d exchanged just this past Christmas. Furniture. It had taken them all day to get it out. Spock stood very close to Jim, though he was not actually touching him.

Jim’s gaze was on his mother’s face. “Are you sure about this, Mom?”

“We should have done this a long time ago.”

“Hey.” He touched her arm until she looked at him. “You don’t have to do this for me.”

“It’s not just for you, it’s for me.” She sighed. “And for Sam.”

“It’s your home,” he reminded her.

She shook her head. “Not anymore.” She nodded to Earl and the others who stood nearby. “It’s going to make for one hell of a bonfire.”

Jim watched as the men lit the farmhouse on fire. The volunteer firemen stood, waiting, in case it got out of hand before it burned to the ground.

It didn’t take long for the farmhouse to be ablaze. He should feel something. Happy? No, he didn’t feel happy. Sad? Not that either. Numb. He felt numb. Maybe that was some kind of victory right there. So many times he’d tried to feel numb there and hadn’t been able to.

Spock’s fingers ghosted over Jim’s back.

“What will you do now?” he asked his mom.

“Well, I guess for the immediate future I’m going to San Francisco with you,” she said with a smile. “I’m not going to just let this go, Jimmy.”

“I know.”

“And then…well I’ll stay with Earl while the new place is being built.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Closer to the barn, I think. Not on the exact same spot.”

“Yeah.”

Winona hugged herself. “The first time George and I made love was here, you know?”

“I didn’t know.”

She nodded. “So long ago now.”

He stepped forward and hugged her. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head against him. “I’m the one who’s sorry. It was just a fucking place. You’re my son. My baby.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Jim said softly.

“Yeah, let’s.”

And even as they turned to prepare to leave, Jim could hear the long ago cries of a boy who could not escape the nightmare he was living.


	34. Part Four: San Francisco

Jim leaned on Spock on the shuttle to San Francisco, his head resting on Spock’s shoulder. His eyes were closed, but Spock was certain Jim was awake. His breathing was far too erratic, his body tense. Jim was anything but calm.

Across from them was Winona, who had been quiet since they boarded the shuttle. Jim had been given the choice of either sitting next to Winona, where that had been an empty seat, or next to Spock, where that had also been an empty seat. Jim had not even hesitated to sit by Spock. He had just naturally come to Spock’s side.

Though Spock believed it was as it should be, and he was therefore gratified, he had not missed the hint of disappointment shining from Winona’s eyes. Perhaps he should have suggested to Jim that he take the seat by his mother, but Spock found himself selfishly wanting Jim next to him.

Spock had arranged for them to have a large apartment upon their arrival in San Francisco. Jim had left his old temporary apartment when he’d left for Riverside and Spock had done the same with his when he’d gone to New Vulcan. The new apartment he had rented was not far from Starfleet headquarters— in the part that had been repaired after Khan had attacked more than five years before.

It had a large kitchen with a cooking island, a living room and dining room and three bedrooms. Spock intended for him and Jim to use the master bedroom and bathroom, while Winona’s room would be on the opposite side of the apartment also with its own bathroom. She had agreed to this arrangement.

The final bedroom would be used as an office for Jim and Spock. Since Jim had been promoted to Commodore, though he was technically still on leave, he had been receiving more communications from the admiralty. They were anxious to have Jim back.

Spock would have preferred Winona have her own apartment in San Francisco or to have her stay at a hotel, but Jim had not wanted that. He said if his mom was coming all the way to San Francisco to spend some time with him, she should be close. Spock had, of course, acquiesced to Jim’s wishes. He suspected he always would, unless he felt Jim would come to harm otherwise.

Jim sighed softly and scooted even closer to Spock and for a moment Spock tensed up himself. Jim’s eyes blinked open and he straightened away.

He gave Spock an apologetic smile. “Sorry.”

Spock shook his head. “There is no need for you to apologize.”

“I know you don’t like to be touched.”

“You are wrong. I like to be touched…by you.”

“Yeah?” Jim looked doubtful.

“Yes. I was momentarily startled, that is all. You may touch me in any way you wish.”

Jim smiled. “I never really believed that anyway.”

Spock arched a brow. “Believed what?”

“That you didn’t like to be touched.” Jim shrugged. “Uhura had her hands all over you every chance she could get. Not that I blamed her. But it wasn’t as though you pushed her away or anything.”

Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s cheek, felt the sorrow and regret beneath the skin’s surface. “I am sorry her touching me made you uncomfortable.”

“She was your girlfriend,” Jim said softly.

"Yes,” Spock admitted. Spock had many regrets but he would not dwell on them. That was not the way of his people. “It is true that Vulcans do not oppose the touch of those they are close to.”

“That makes sense. And it’s a good thing. I’m sort of touchy feely.”

“Yes. You touch everyone.”

Jim laughed at that. “Not everyone.”

“Everyone.”

“Do I detect a note of censure there, Mr. Spock?”

“Acknowledged. I would rather you only touched me.” Spock gave a tiny shrug. “But I would not change you.”

Jim sighed. “How much longer? I hate shuttle rides.”

“Why?”

“I just…I just want to get there already.”

“You are anxious to leave Riverside behind.”

Jim nodded. “I’m always anxious for that. When I left after Pike talked me into leaving, I didn’t think I’d ever have to come back.”

Spock lowered his voice so only Jim could hear. “You should not have.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

Spock did know, but he did not want to argue with Jim. Right now Jim was talking to him, sharing with him. It was a welcome change from what it had been, and Spock had no desire for their relationship to take a step back.

Jim’s lips curved. “Still, Vulcans don’t like to publicly touch, right?”

“Not more than fingers touching between bonded couples, no. Not traditionally. But over the years it is not as frowned on as it once was. Vulcans, especially elder Vulcans, would still not appreciate open embracing and kissing with their mouths, in front of others.”

“No wonder they disapprove of humans.”

“Not all Vulcans do,” Spock assured him.

Jim licked his lips, glanced briefly in his mother’s direction, but Spock could see she paid them little attention. “They’d all be scandalized by what we did in front of the restaurant.”

Spock arched a brow. “I imagine any number of humans would be as well.”

“Probably.” Blue eyes met his.

“I do not regret it,” Spock said softly, a bare whisper.

“I don’t either.”

The shuttle shifted ever so slightly. “We will be landing soon, ashaya.”

Jim nodded. “That’s still a little weird to me.”

“What?”

“Your going from calling me an asshole to your beloved darling or whatever.”

“I never called you that.”

“Not in those words, no. But the implication was there. Admit it.”

Spock shook his head. “I will do no such thing.”

“Okay. Anyway, I guess I’ll get used to it.”

“It is my hope that you will,” Spock said seriously. “I wish for you to be used to me being near.”

Jim’s gaze slid away and Spock tried not to let that bother him. Jim said nothing as the shuttle made its final landing, and when the doors opened, Spock, Jim and Winona exited the shuttle.

****

“This place is perfect, Spock. You did a great job picking us a place,” Jim declared as he rushed through the apartment, checking everything. He had become very hyper as they’d made their way out of the shuttle hangar. Spock had noticed Winona had trouble keeping up with the strides of both Jim and Spock so he had slowed down on the way to the apartment and Jim had followed Spock’s lead, but Jim had remained highly energetic.

“Jim’s right, Spock,” Winona agreed with a smile. “This place is wonderful. And thank you again for allowing me to stay with you two.”

“I wouldn’t want you anywhere else,” Jim said. He had now moved into the kitchen for the third time and was opening and closing cabinets.

Winona was watching him and even she appeared a little wary. She glanced at Spock and cleared her throat. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to spend some time unpacking my things.”

“Sure, sure.” Jim waved in the direction of her room. He was moving out of the kitchen and toward the sliding doors that led to a large balcony.

Spock waited for Winona to go to her room and then he followed Jim outside. His bondmate was standing at the railing, looking down at the street.

“You are agitated.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Jim insisted. “Great view.” He went to move past Spock to go back into the apartment. Spock stopped him with his middle and index finger on the pulse of Jim’s throat. The anxiety coming off his mate was palpable. His breath hitched. He turned to Spock, his blue eyes wide.

Spock looped an arm around Jim’s waist and pulled him near. “What is it?”

“I don’t know what to do,” Jim admitted. “I was there, you know. And it was just-it was just…so much. And now I’m here. You’re here. And we’re sharing a room like-like we’re a couple or something.”

“We are,” Spock said quietly. “Are we not?”

“Y-yeah. It’s just. I’m overwhelmed.”

Spock put both arms around Jim, pulling him fully into Spock’s arms.

“I’m being stupid, aren’t I?” Jim murmured against Spock’s neck as he laid his head down on Spock’s shoulder.

“No, t’hy’la.”

“No wonder Vulcans don’t lie. They’re bad at it.” Jim laughed a little and drew back to look into Spock’s eyes. “I fucking love you so much.”

Spock stroked his thumb across Jim’s cheek, letting him feel through their contact the depth of his own feelings. It was hard for him to express in words how he felt, so he hoped he could project to Jim in this way.

Jim closed his eyes and leaned back into Spock. “We can do this, right?”

Spock kissed the top of Jim’s head. “Yes.”


	35. What Is Love Anyway?

Jim wasn’t really sure what made him suggest they should all go out for dinner. To pizza no less. Being in the apartment, just the three of them, sounded too cozy perhaps. The apartment was large, yes—for an apartment—but it was so much smaller than the farmhouse there simply was no place for Jim to hide from his mother or Spock. Or rather the intense looks both of them kept shooting his way. It was unnerving.

Not that a public restaurant was the smartest solution. But it gave them other things to think about than analyzing Jim’s every action. He knew they loved him—he had to believe that or really go mad for good—but he was starting to feel like a trapped lab rat.

“How’d you know about this place, Jimmy?” his mom asked as they stepped inside the restaurant. It was upscale pizza—expensive in other words—so there weren’t a lot of young people or families. Which was fine with Jim. Families made him twitch.

“Uh. I kinda picked it at random from the list I looked at on my PADD.”

“Oh.” She smiled. “Smells good.”

The hostess approached them. She smiled warmly. “Two?”

Jim looked behind him and noticed Spock was several steps away looking intently at an aquarium of colorful fish. He turned back to the hostess. “Three actually.”

Her smile faulted just slightly. ”You’re Jim Kirk, right?”

“Yeah?”

“You probably don’t remember me. It was so long ago.”

Jim didn’t. Wherever he was supposed to know her. He smiled. “Well.”

“I was in Starfleet Academy your first year.” She laughed. “I dropped out after that first year, actually. But anyway, you and I—”

Spock appeared directly behind Jim. The hostess stopped mid-sentence and stared at him, a little wide eyed.

“Hey, Sweetheart,” Jim said deliberately, smiling at Spock. He glanced at her name tag. “Helen was just about to get us a table.”

“Yes, of course.” She picked up menus. “This way.”

“An acquaintance of yours?” Spock murmured.  

“Apparently.”

She brought them to a booth on the right side. Jim slid in and Spock slid in next to him, while Winona sat across from them.

Helen cleared her throat as she handed them their menus. “Your server will be with you shortly. Nice seeing you again, Jim.”

He smiled. “You too.”

His mother eyed him over her menu. “You have no clue who she is, huh?”

“Nope,” he said cheerfully.

She shook her head and then put down her menu. “I gotta pee. So if the server comes I want a beer. And I don’t care what kind of pizza we get.” She slid back out of the booth. “I’ll be back.”

Jim looked to Spock who was raising an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Sweetheart?”

“Well, aren’t you? My sweetheart?” Jim had tried to be fun and lighthearted about it, but when he said the words they sounded unbelievably heavy and serious. So serious that he looked away from Spock’s intense gaze to stare at the napkin in front of him on the table.

“Yes,” Spock said softly. “I am.”

“Good.”

Spock’s hand covered his. “Do you doubt it?”

“Sometimes, yes,” Jim admitted.

“Will you look at me?”

Jim did, though it was hard to do so. Spock’s brown eyes were soft, warm.

“This is not the time or place for this conversation, but when we return home we will speak more.”

Jim nodded and turned as the server arrived at their table.

****

When Jim came out of the bathroom attached to the master bedroom it was to the sight of Spock standing at the window wearing one of his sleeping robes. In brown. Spock’s back was to Jim.

Jim had changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top. Spock had turned up the heat in the room, but Jim hadn’t minded since it made Spock comfortable.

“Can you see anything?”

“A few lights from the city,” Spock murmured.

Jim came to stand up beside him. “What did you want to talk about?”

For a moment Spock did not respond.

When Jim opened his mouth to say…something, Spock turned to look at him. His chocolate eyes were turbulent.

“I am at a loss as to how to assure you that you are of utmost importance to me,” Spock said quietly.

“I’m sorry.”

Spock shook his head. “Ashaya, it is I who owe you an apology. Because of my own failures in understanding the deeper meaning of my affection for you I have made matters much more complicated between us.”

“Spock, it’s—it’s not just you. I have trouble believing anyone—”

“Cares for you. I know,” Spock said softly. “I wish that you would see yourself how I do. How Dr. McCoy does. And so many others. If I must spend the rest of my life convincing you that you are worthy of love, then I will gladly do so.”

Jim’s breath hitched. “You’re…really something.”

“Will you give me your hand?”

Jim put out his hand, palm up, and Spock covered it with his own. There was a tingly warmth wherever their skin touched.

“I would bond with you. I would marry you.”

“I thought we were already bonded,” Jim whispered.

“I speak of a formal ceremony. To bond. To wed.” Spock stepped closer and drew Jim to him, wrapping his arms around Jim and pulling him close. “You are trembling.”

Jim closed his eyes and leaned his head on Spock’s shoulder. “I don’t—I don’t need all that.”

“Perhaps not. But do you wish it?”

“I don’t—” Jim shook his head.

“You are afraid.”

“Marriages, relationships, all of that…it doesn’t work. It’s poison. It changes everything. Behaviors, people.”

Spock tilted Jim’s chin back with a finger under his jaw. “It will not be that way with us.”

“How can you know?”

“I know.” Spock took Jim’s hand and placed it on Spock’s side at the location of his heart. He put his own hand on Jim’s chest where Jim’s heart lay. “We are one. Though our hearts are not in the same position in our bodies, they beat together.”

Jim sighed and buried his face in Spock’s neck. He nodded.

Spock directed them toward the bed and they lay on it, side by side, their faces together, close enough for kissing. Spock covered them with the sheet and blanket.

“Spock, I don’t—ever since Frank—” Jim trailed off, hoping Spock would understand without him having to voice it.

“You do not wish to participate in intercourse,” Spock stated quietly.

He shook his head. “No, I do. I just…I haven’t. Because—”

Spock’s thumb grazed across Jim’s lips. “You do not need to explain. We can do only as we did outside the restaurant if you wish. Or we can be platonic if you wish. All I ask is that you allow me to be by your side.”

“I don’t want that,” Jim said. “No, no, I mean, I want you by my side,” he rushed out when he saw Spock’s eyes widen. “I don’t want to be platonic. I want to have sex with you.”

“We will take it as slow as you need to. For now, until you feel safer, more comfortable, we will only have such physical contact when you initiate it.”

“When I do,” Jim repeated.

“Yes. And anything you want to stop, we will stop.”

Jim smiled a little. “Are you sure you aren’t a saint?”

“I am not exceptionally holy, no.”

Jim laughed. “Leave it to you to make me laugh.” He leaned forward to kiss Spock. “You really are funny.”

“I am fairly certain you are the only one who appreciates my humor.”

“Maybe.” Jim scooted closer to Spock until he was just about lying on him. At least half of his body was. He reached for Spock’s hand and threaded his fingers through Spock’s. He closed his eyes and sighed. “This is nice.”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured. Jim yawned and Spock’s arms tightened around him. “Go to sleep.”

“But weren’t we—” He yawned again. His eyelids drifted closed.

“Ashayam, Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Spock whispered. “Go to sleep. We have time.”


	36. The Kirks

“When I was a young cadet I used to go for walks along the pier like this,” his mother said as the two of them walked close to the water and the old industrial buildings that had been there for years, some of them hundreds.

Jim wore his leather coat and a scarf to block out the wind coming off the sea. His mother had a bit of a heavier coat and a knitted scarf.

“By yourself?” Jim wondered.

“No. Mostly with your dad.” Her smile was wistful.

“Yeah?”

“That surprises you?”

Jim shook his head. “Not really. It’s just…I really wish I’d known him.” He sighed. “To wish for something that can never be is completely illogical.”

“Yet very human, I think.” She linked her arm with Jim’s. “It would have been very different, I think, for all of us if he had lived.”

“Yeah it was.”

His mother looked at him.

“I guess in the other timeline it was. According to the other Spock. Then Dad was still alive.”

She smiled. “That’s a nice image.”

“Yeah. Was quite a bit different, I guess. Sometimes he tells me about it. Told me. He doesn’t really tell me anymore.” Which made Jim very sad.

“What do you mean?”

Jim shrugged. “We got kind of close there for a while. After my death—” he felt her tense. “My revival…that is. He came by the hospital a lot. I think he really liked me…him. I don’t know. But he shared some stories with me. Then said he shouldn’t have.” Jim shook his head. “About halfway through the middle of our five-year he stopped talking to me. Not like, ‘oh, Jim, I refuse to talk to you’, but he always had some excuse that he couldn’t visit with me for long. Eventually I got the hint and gave up.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Have you tried since?”

“No. I don’t want to chase after people to get them to care about me.”

“In that you take after your mother, unfortunately,” she said with a sigh. “How are things with Spock? This one I mean.”

“Good, I think. I woke him up with a blowjob.” Jim laughed. “Not exactly something you should say to your mother.”

She shrugged. “We’ve not exactly had the normal mother-son relationship, have we?”

“True.”

“It’s good to hear you laugh, though. You don’t laugh a lot. Not even as a baby.”

“I guess I didn’t really imagine I had a lot to laugh about,” he admitted.

“Yeah.” His mom stopped and stared out to sea. “I’m glad the cutting has stopped. It has, right?”

Jim found it hard to swallow around the emotion in his throat. “For now.”

“So those other Kirks were normal, huh?”

“I guess so. Seems weird. Another us in some other part of time. Not as dysfunctional as us.”

She smiled a little. “My guess is we’d win the dysfunctional award in any timeline or universe.”

“Probably. Mom, I don’t know what we’re going to find out about Sam, but it’s not looking good.”

For a long time she didn’t say anything, just continued to stare out to sea. Then she whispered, “So, he’s dead?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I think we have to prepare ourselves for that possibility. Or that he just doesn’t want anything to do with us.” Jim thought about that. “And who can blame him?”

She faced him, her eyes full of sorrow. “Are we so terrible, Jimmy?”

He almost said they were. Almost said he’d do anything to get away from who he was, where he’d come from. But he was trying to get away from that. Away from that Jim. Who bled from the inside out.

“We’re not so terrible,” he assured her instead. He put his arm around her shoulder and drew her close.

****

Spock looked up from the terminal he’d been working on when the door to the apartment opened and Jim walked in. Alone.

“Hey,” Jim called out his customary greeting, as he removed his scarf and coat.

“Good afternoon. Where is your mother?”

“She wanted to visit with Pike’s wife. They’re old friends from the academy I guess. I dropped her off there.”

“You did not desire to visit with her?”

Jim shook his head sadly. “I should have, probably. It’s just…even after all this time, it’s hard for me with him. All his words, everything he ever said to me, they play in my head over and over like a recording I can’t turn off. It’s worse when I see her.”

“That is understandable,” Spock replied.

Jim gave him one of his enigmatic smiles. The kind that had always did something to Spock’s insides. “Is it?”

“I believe so.” Spock rose and went to Jim to offer his fingers in greeting. He knew Jim was still getting used to the gesture so it did not bother him when Jim made the slightest of hesitations before touching his fingers to Spock’s. “I can make us tea. You are still cold.”

“Did my red cheeks give it away?” Jim joked.

“And your cold fingers.” Spock went into the kitchen to prepare the tea.

A few minutes later he had Jim on the couch with his hands wrapped around a warm teacup and a blanket wrapped around the two of them.

Spock watched Jim for a few minutes before he said, “Why didn’t you tell me the news about your brother?”

“I don’t know. I sort of warned Mom about it today. I should have just come out and told her he was gone. I couldn’t do it,” Jim said softly.

“She will need to know.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s hard to tell someone their son is dead.”

“If you prefer I will do it.”

“I appreciate that, Spock, really. But I need to do it. I just need to stop being a coward and admit it to her.”

“You are no coward, ashaya,” Spock said quietly.

“About emotional upheaval I am.”

Spock inclined his head. “Neither of us excels in expressions of emotions, that is true.”

Jim smiled. “We’re the perfect pair then.”

“We are.”

Jim laughed. “Except I was kidding and you’re not. You believe that, don’t you?”

“I do.” Spock stroked his fingers over Jim’s wrists. “How do you feel about your brother’s death?”

“Okay.”

“Jim.”

“Spock, how am I supposed to feel, really? I haven’t seen him in years. He left me there to-to just—live with that monster. And he fucking knew what was going on. I know he did.” Jim closed his eyes. “I don’t miss him. I never did. Not who he really was. I miss the idea that I should have had an older brother that actually gave a fuck about me.”

“If you think about it, you do.”

Jim’s eyes snapped open at that. “I do?”

“I believe Dr. McCoy plays that role for you quite well.”

“Damn, you’re right.” Jim’s eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t think about that.”

“I did not intend to make you cry,” Spock said, scooting closer.

“I know. Emotional upheaval, remember?”

Spock pulled Jim onto his lap and kissed his forehead. “I am here.”


	37. Wandering

Jim was alone again. Not that he minded it exactly. Sometimes he needed time away from Spock and his mother. They were both great, really. He loved Spock. And his mom…he was getting there. It was hard to forget certain things, but Jim was trying. She was his mom. He knew he needed to let it go. Some.

Spock had gone off to have lunch with Uhura who was also back in San Francisco again. He had invited Jim to come along, but Jim had declined. He had nothing really against Uhura. Her relationship with Spock had ended years ago now, but Jim didn’t think they’d ever have the kind of friendship Spock had with her. They respected each other professionally and even liked each other on a lot of levels. But, yeah…not bosom buddies.

His mother had gone off to visit Pike’s wife again, which had been fine. She deserved some sort of normalcy in her life that didn’t involve her fucked up son.

But the problem with Jim being alone for too long was that he got inside his head too much. Memories, and emotions surrounding them, could be a powerful weapon inside Jim’s head. And for the longest time he stood on the edge of the kitchen staring at the knife drawer. He could either take out a knife and cut, then have to deal with the consequences when Spock came home and saw the cuts—and he would, for Spock noticed everything—or go for a walk to distract himself from resorting to his old ways.

Eventually he decided on the walk, though he had taken two steps inside the kitchen before choosing that option.

It was overcast and a little chilly so he’d pulled on a coat and wrapped the scarf his mother had given him at Christmas around his neck and set out, not really sure where he would go.

The thing about memories…leaving Riverside had been for the best. Jim knew that. But it didn’t make the memories disappear or change. He had a life time of memories that converged in his brain. Frank, Nero, Pike, Khan, and so many times when a mission went wrong and Spock was hurt, leaving Jim to wonder if his entire world would crumble if Spock didn’t make it.

Jim surprised himself, really, when he found himself standing in front of Starfleet Headquarters. It was still months before his leave would be through and he would have to report for the Enterprise’s next assignment. There was absolutely no reason for him to be there, but he stood there staring at the buildings and the campus and wondering what his life would have been like if Pike hadn’t interrupted Cupcake and the others from beating him senseless. Jim was fairly certain they would have happily beaten him to death, for they had completely ignored Uhura when she asked them to stop. And the man he was then probably wouldn’t have even cared.

He walked into the main building, through the double doors that moved out of his way as he approached. Without even realizing it, Jim had curled his hands into fists. He forced himself to relax them.

“Jim?”

He turned around quickly at the all too familiar sound of a voice he had not heard for years, really. But it was a voice that wrapped around him, slipping over him like a blanket or a glove that fit perfectly.

The old Vulcan looked older, of course, and somehow more frail than Jim remembered, but perhaps that was a product of his ever advancing years. No one escaped the effects of age, even Vulcans. He wore gray pants and a gray tunic shirt. There was a mixture of emotions on his weathered face…pain…regret…sorrow and excitement.

They confused Jim. He confused Jim.

Jim took a step forward, his arms automatically opening as though he would hug the old Vulcan, but then he remembered…they weren’t friends. Not anymore. They never even talked. Jim lowered his arms and simply stared at Spock instead.

He left it to Spock to come to him then and he did. Of course he did. He’d been the one to call Jim’s name.

“Hello, Spock,” Jim greeted him.

“I am gratified to see you, old friend.”

“Are you?”

Spock tilted his head in a way the younger Spock did and it just made Jim suddenly want his Spock so badly by his side.

“Of course I am. Will you join me for refreshment?”

There was an ache in Jim that would just not go away when he was with this Spock, and he never could explain what it was, where it came from. But it was back and so much more powerful. It tightened his chest, caused his heart to beat faster. For a moment Jim wasn’t even sure he could move.

“It comes from me, Jim,” the older Spock said softly.

Jim inhaled. “How did you—how do you—”

“It is time we talked. Perhaps it is long past the time. I have a hotel room very near here. Will you indulge me and go there for lunch and perhaps tea?”

Jim swallowed. “I need to let Spock know where I am. He’ll worry otherwise.”

“Of course.” Older Spock pulled out a small PADD and handed it to Jim. “You can send him a message. I’ll provide the name and location of my hotel so that you can provide it for him.” He paused. “Then you and Spock are together?”

“Yes.”

“I am extremely gratified to hear that, Jim.”

Jim eyed the old Vulcan. “And you’ll explain everything right? Like what you just meant right then when you said it comes from you?”

“Yes, Jim.”

“And no mind melds. I don’t care how much easier it is for you. It’s not so much for me.”

Spock nodded. “Agreed.”

Jim typed out a message, with the hotel and location older Spock gave to him, and sent it to Spock. _His_ Spock.

“What brings you here?” Old Spock asked as they exited the building.

“I should ask that of you. Aren’t you supposed to be on the colony?”

“It was necessary to make a brief visit to Earth.”

“I just went for a walk. HQ isn’t far from our apartment.”

“Yours and Spock’s?”

“Yes. And my mother. Well, she’s staying with us for the moment.”

Old Spock arched a brow. “Fascinating.”

“I don’t know what’s so fascinating. But you have a lot of explaining to do.”

“I am sure.”

The ache within Jim increased. “Can you…is there a way to tone that down or something? Whatever it is.”

“At my age, under my circumstances, it is extremely difficult,” the old man said. “As you will learn when I advise you why I needed to step back from our friendship, Jim.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

Spock placed his very frail hand on Jim’s arm. “The hotel is that way.” 


	38. Lunch

“Spock! Over here!”

Spock turned toward the sound of Nyota shouting from across the plaza. She hurried toward him. Nyota was dressed casually in dark blue slacks and a purple pullover sweater. Her hair, so often pulled back in what human’s referred to as a _‘pony tail’_ , lay down around her shoulders.

It had been months since he’d seen her. They hadn’t exactly parted on the best of terms, for Spock had informed her he intended to leave Starfleet and undergo Kolinahr. Much had changed since then.

She came to a stop directly in front of him. She’d never been one to respect personal space, as Spock recalled. Nor did she refrain from public displays of her affection. She didn’t now either, as she threw her arms around him in a brief hug.

“You look great,” she said, as she pulled back. “Leave seems to be agreeing with you.”

Spock inclined his head. “And you also, Nyota.”

She slipped her hand in the crook of his elbow. “There’s a little bistro just over there. I thought we could dine al fresco.”

“That would be agreeable.”

“Where’s the captain?”

“He is a commodore now.”

Nyota laughed. “Excuse me. Where’s the _commodore_?”

“He had other plans.”

The smile slipped from her face. “Oh. Well, maybe next time. I never would have thought in a million years that farm boy I met in that Riverside bar would be a commodore someday.”

Spock stiffened. “He has more than earned the promotion.”

Nyota shook her head. “Believe me, you don’t have to convince me, Spock. He’s a great commanding officer. I conceded that a long time ago.”

They reached the bistro and were seated at a small table just big enough for the two of them.

“I was hoping he would join us,” she admitted.

“I do not believe it was a reflection on you, Nyota. He is still getting used to our changed relationship.”

“Oh?”

Spock picked up his menu. “He is not entirely comfortable with me.”

“With you?” Nyota asked, surprise on her face.

“My past interactions with him have made him quite cautious.”

She shook her head. “I admit I am surprised at your change of heart myself, Spock. You were quite clear at the end of the five-year mission that you would be taking a new path in life. Kolinahr, in fact.”

“Though regrets are illogical, I do have some.”

She nodded and they both ordered tea from the waitress as she came by.

“How is he? Really? You seemed concerned in our last correspondence.”

Spock thought about it. “I believe coming to San Francisco was a positive change for all of us.”

Nyota laughed. “You haven’t changed with your vague answers. So you and Kirk. You think this is forever for you?”

“He is my t’hy’la,” Spock replied. “Now that the bond has been recognized by both of us, there can never be anyone else.”

“And he feels the same?”

Spock nodded.

She smiled. “Then I’m really glad for you. You deserve this, Spock. Even though you and I never worked out, I’ve always wanted the best for you.”

“Thank you.” He hesitated. “You knew it even before I did.”

Nyota lowered her menu. “I did. That’s why I ended it with you in the first place. You’ve been in love with Kirk for years. Even though it hurt me, I wanted you to do something about it. But you didn’t. Even when he told you how he felt.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed, unable to deny the painful truth. “What I have felt for Jim has never been the easy affection I had for you.”

“Because we were only meant to be friends, you and I. Your passion is, and has always been, with him.”

The waitress returned with their tea and they both ordered salads.

“When the Enterprise begins her new mission, will you be on board?” Spock asked Nyota. She had expressed an interest in other opportunities that had come her way.

“I haven’t made up my mind, honestly. I was hoping to speak with Kirk about it.” She smiled. “I don’t think I’ll ever be his favorite person.”

“I am certain he has no issue with you, Nyota.”

She laughed at that. “Oh, Spock. I’ll forever be your ex. No one likes the ex.”

Spock frowned slightly. “He has never expressed such a sentiment.”

“He wouldn’t outright. But trust me. Still, he’s always kind and respectful toward me. And I love the Enterprise and her crew.”

“I think I can speak for both of us when I say there is always a place for you on the Enterprise, Nyota.” There was a slight buzzing of Spock’s PADD that he had tucked into his coat. “May I?” he asked, withdrawing it. He was always mindful of messages from Jim.

“Of course.”

And the message was indeed from his mate. Spock read it three times.

“Something wrong?”

“Not exactly. Jim has gone to have lunch with…my counterpart.”

“He’s in San Francisco?” Nyota asked, sipping her tea.

“It would seem so. Jim did not alert me to a previous engagement with the ambassador.”

“Perhaps he just happened to run into him. Where are they having lunch?”

“The Fairmont Hotel where the ambassador is staying.”

“Oh. They have a nice restaurant.”

Spock looked up from his PADD. “They are dining in his hotel suite.”

****

“This is a nice place,” Jim commented as he glanced around old Spock’s suite. “The Federation paying for it?”

Spock looked amused. “Indeed they are. Come closer to the kitchen and I will make us tea. There are room service menus on the bar there. Choose what you wish and I will order it.”

Jim sat on a barstool at the bar counter next to the kitchen but he did not pick up the menu. “I’d really like to cut to the chase.”

“That does not surprise me.”

“Why’d you dump me as a friend?”

The older Spock blinked as though in the surprise he had just denied. He recovered quickly, though, and his expression returned to Vulcan blankness.

“I have been and always shall be…your friend.”

Jim snorted at that. “Are you honestly feeding me that bullshit line again?”

“Jim—”

“Look, we both know that sentiment was for the Jim of your timeline. You forget, you and I melded.”

“I have not forgotten.”

“Emotional transference, remember? Not only do I know about your pain from the loss of Vulcan, but I also know how you felt about him.”

Spock put a cup of tea in front of Jim. “I perhaps provided more information than I intended to during that meld. My controls were rather vulnerable at the time.”

“I can imagine.”

“I assure you, Jim, that I am most definitely _your_ friend.”

“Yeah? Then why did you stop talking to me?” Jim snapped his fingers. “Just like that.”

The older Vulcan did not respond at first and Jim began to wonder if he would just feed him more bullshit.

“I found myself becoming emotionally compromised where you are concerned.”

Jim frowned. “Meaning?”

“You are James T. Kirk.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Who was my bondmate and t’hy’la,” Spock said quietly.

“Right.”

Spock’s lips turned up at the corners very slightly. “You belong to another Spock. Another version of myself.”

“Okay,” Jim said with a nod.

The old Vulcan sighed. “I developed the same feelings for you as I had for my own bondmate, Jim. Do you understand now?”

Jim’s eyes widened. “Oh.” He exhaled. “Oh.”

Spock tilted his head. “Indeed.”   


	39. The Love of a Good Vulcan

“I don’t know what to say,” Jim said into the awkward silence.

“And that is why I distanced myself from our connection, Jim.”

Jim picked up the menu the older Spock had pointed out before. He didn’t open it but he shuffled it in front of him.

“I did not intend to cause you discomfort by the revelation of my regard. In fact, that was precisely the reason for my reticence in advising you of such during our prior contact.”

Jim’s gaze rose to meet the older Vulcan’s wise gaze. “I’m not uncomfortable.”

Ambassador Spock arched a brow.

“Okay,” Jim said, licking his chapped lips. “Maybe I’m a little uncomfortable. But that’s not…I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t feel it. You’re Spock. I’m Kirk. I get it, you know?”

“Yes.”

“I figured out a long time ago that if you and your Kirk were bondmates—t’hy’la or whatever—it might translate to the Spock I know. So if it did, it would make total sense that you as a Spock and me as a Kirk would also be drawn to each other.”

“You did not speak of this.”

Jim smiled. “Nor did you.”

“I believe the response to that would be touché.”

Jim jumped off the barstool and went over to the old Vulcan. He took his hands in his. Instantly there was warmth and a tingling where their skin touched.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” Jim asked, softly.

“Indeed.”

“That’s the bond we share in any universe, any timeline. Right?”

The ambassador nodded.

“And there were times when you and your Kirk were just friends,” Jim said.

“Most definitely. Throughout much of our Starfleet careers.”

“So, therefore, we can be friends, you and I, yes?”

The old Spock responded with just the tiniest of smiles. “You are using logic on me, young one.”

“A little. I adore you, Spock. And probably would adore every iteration of you.”

“But you are meant for my counterpart.”

Jim smiled. “Friends? Because honestly, I’d rather have you as my friend than nothing at all. I hope that you feel the same.”

“Of course I do, Jim. At the time I distanced myself, I found my control failing. I have since strengthened my shields and my resolve not to interfere with your's and Spock’s time.”

“Good.” Jim nodded and released his hands. He went back to the bar to pick up the menu. “Lunch?”

“Whatever you wish, Jim. I will order whatever you’d like to have.” Spock poured himself more tea. “You are not going to further admonish me for abandoning our friendship?”

Jim shook his head. “Why should I?”

“Is it because you are used to being abandoned, Jim?”

Jim’s gaze rose to his face. “Are you attempting to analyze me?”

“You did let me off the hook so to speak quite easily.”

Jim chuckled. “You’re funny, you know? But I can’t deny there’s an element of truth there.”

“You are used to being mistreated so you come to expect it.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

“That I added to that in any way is a matter of enormous regret, Jim.”

He shook his head. “It’s okay.”

“It is not. What do you wish to have?”

Jim studied the menu. “Cheeseburger and fries?”

“Certainly. Anything else?”

“A chocolate malt?”

“Very well.” Spock ordered the room service a moment later and then bid Jim to join him in the more comfortable living room.

“How long are you here for?” Jim wondered.

“I return to the colony in two days.”

“Maybe you could join Spock, my mom and me for dinner?”

“I would find that very agreeable, Jim.” The Ambassador sipped his tea. “You and Spock are well?”

“Is that your way of asking how we’re doing together?”

“Perhaps.”

“To be honest? I didn’t think it was ever going to happen.”

“Indeed?”

“Yeah. When I first told him about how I felt—”

“He said he could not return your feelings and left to take part in Kolinahr,” Old Spock finished for him.

Jim frowned. “How did you know that? Did he tell you?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes. I am Spock, Jim.”

He blinked. “That’s what you did?”

“Very close to it, yes. We are not that different, I see. Although myself and my captain were somewhat older than the two of you.”

“That’s nuts.”

“Spock changed his mind, I assume.”

“Came to Riverside after changing it I guess, and well, here we are.”

“You are still uncertain,” Spock said softly.

“Well.” Jim shrugged. “I’m still the same as I always was. No one sticks around.”

“I believe that he will.”

“I guess we’ll see.”

****

When Jim left the Fairmont to return to his apartment he messaged Spock. _His_ Spock.

_On my way home now._

A moment later he received a reply.

_I am at home waiting._

Jim smiled and typed back, _Good. See you soon._

When he stepped inside the apartment, Spock presented him with a cup of coffee. Spock had been waiting by the door.

“You really were waiting,” Jim said with a grin.

“I am restless when you are not near,” Spock admitted. He touched his fingers to Jim’s. “Your luncheon with the ambassador went well?” 

“Yeah, it was nice. I, uh, invited him to dinner here tomorrow night. Is that okay?”

“Whatever you wish, Jim. I have no objection.” Spock seemed to hesitate. “I was unaware you had a lunch engagement with him.”

“Oh, I didn’t. I went for a walk and ran into him by HQ. How was your lunch with Uhura?”

“Pleasant. She sends her regards and wishes to meet with her commanding officer to discuss her future.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “I’ll arrange something.”

“She would be gratified.”

Jim set his coffee down and then moved closer to Spock. He put his arms around Spock’s neck. “Is my mom here?”

“She is not.”

Jim grinned. “Oh, good. So, sweetheart, you want to go to our room and engage in some exploration?”

“I would like nothing better.”

“Great.”

“However,” Spock continued. “Though it is true your mother is not here, Dr. McCoy is.”

“Bones? Bones is here?” Jim let his arms fall from Spock’s neck and he stepped back.

“Somebody calling me?”

And Bones suddenly appeared from around the corner.

“Bones,” Jim greeted his friend with a smile and then he rushed at Bones and threw his arms around him for a tight hug.

“Hey, hey, hey now,” Bones said gruffly, patting Jim’s back.

All at once tears sprung to Jim’s eyes, unbidden and unwanted. They fell onto his cheek and he immediately saw the stricken look on Spock’s face.  Bones just squeezed him tighter.

“What’s this?”

Jim shook his head. “Nothing. I just missed you.”

“I missed you, too, brat,” Bones said, then pulled back and glanced at Spock. Bones cleared his throat and gently pushed Jim toward Spock. “You have a lot of things to catch me up on, Jim. Spock here tells me he’s your husband.”

“Bondmate,” Spock said, putting a hand on Jim’s lower back.

“Whatever.”

“Um, yeah.” Jim smiled. “Could you give us a minute, Bones?”

“Sure, sure, don’t mind me.” Bones rolled his eyes and went toward the kitchen.

Jim went back into Spock’s arms who seemed startled but not unwelcoming. He pulled Jim close.

“You are pleased to see Dr. McCoy?”

“Yes.”

“Then I suppose I will allow him to stay.”

“You’re the best.” Jim smiled and gave Spock a quick kiss. “And I’m even more pleased to see you.”

Spock stared at him intently. “You did not advise the doctor we were together?”

“No,” Jim admitted.  “I would have gotten around to it.”

“Was it because you were uncertain of my regard?”

“No.” Jim sighed. “Yes. Maybe. I didn’t tell him you came to Riverside because I was afraid he’d catch the next shuttle out.” Jim searched Spock’s gaze. “I liked having just you with me. Well…and Mom.”

“I liked it too.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah?” He kissed Spock, longer this time. “Before the ship goes, maybe you and I can take a trip somewhere, just us?”

Spock closed his eyes and kissed Jim. “I would like that.”

Jim sighed into his mouth. “Me, too. You, uh, think we can sneak away for just a few minutes?”

Spock shook his head.

“No?”

Spock shook his head again.

“Okay.” He leaned his forehead against Spock’s. “I worship you.”

“I cherish thee.”


	40. Closer to Fine

“You’ve been keeping things from me,” Bones told Jim as they sat at the dining room table drinking coffee. Spock had excused himself to meditate.

“Not really.” Jim shrugged. ”Okay. Maybe. A little.”

He expected a laugh or a snort or an eye roll out of Bones. So he was unprepared to be stared at very seriously.

“When I left San Francisco you were going to Iowa to connect with your mother.”

“I did go to Iowa.”

“I know. But you also were resigned to the fact Spock didn’t love you. You fucked Ruth again, for God’s sake.”

Jim winced at the memory. “That was months ago, Bones. And I was in a bad place.” It hadn’t just been Ruth. Prostitutes. Riverside locals.

“I know that too. And I’m not sure you’re out of that bad place. Spock came to Iowa?”

“Yeah, he did. I guess my mom invited him. She decided to interfere.”

“I wish I thought it was a good idea.”

Jim smiled a little. “Isn’t it? Spock says he loves me.”

“And he didn’t before?” Bones asked, skeptically.

“I guess he did. He just didn’t want to admit it.”

Bones studied him and then reached for Jim’s arms and slid up the sleeves before Jim could stop him. He seemed relieved by what he saw. “At least you’re not cutting again.”

“Me and my drunken confessions,” Jim said with a shake of his head. “I’d forgotten I told you about that.”

“I haven’t.”

Jim lifted his coffee cup to his lips. “I did.”

“Did what?”

“Cut again. I’ve stopped again. I have. But I cut in Riverside.”

“Because of Spock?”

“Spock. Frank. Winona. Pike. Sam. Does it matter? I did it. It was me. Not them.”

“I want you to get evaluated.”

Jim shrank back. “What? No.”

“Jim—”

“They’ll take the Enterprise away from me, Bones. You start talking mental problems and I can kiss my career goodbye.”

“I’m concerned for you,” Bones said softly. “Sometimes you’re barely hanging on.”

“But I am hanging on. I am. Don’t take that away from me. Okay?”

Bones squeezed Jim’s hand. “Okay.”

****

When Spock was done meditating, he was surprised to find that Jim was in the shower. Spock probed their link, but Jim was subdued and so Spock decided to allow him to shower without interference.

He found Dr. McCoy sitting on their couch with a PADD in his hands. He looked up when Spock entered.

“There you are. I wanted to have a private word with you.”

“Was Jim upset?” Spock asked.

“Not particularly. He did say he wanted a shower. I would have left to go to my hotel, but since I figured you couldn’t meditate forever, I decided to wait for you.”

“I would invite you to stay with us but there are not enough rooms.”

“That’s all right. I chose a hotel not far from here.” McCoy peered up at him. “Sit down, Spock. I don’t need you glaring down at me.”

Spock sat. “Vulcans do not glare.”

“Really? Could have fooled me.” Dr. McCoy set his PADD aside.

“Is this the part where you demand to know what my intentions are toward the commodore?”

Dr. McCoy snorted. “Commodore. I still can’t quite get used to that.”

“He is deserving of the promotion.”

“You don’t have to defend Jim to me, Spock. I’ve always been on his side.”

There was a definite emphasis in McCoy’s statement.

“If you are expecting me to deny I have failed Jim in many things, you will be waiting a long time,” Spock said quietly.

The doctor looked surprised. “I don’t think you’ve failed him in many things. For the most part you have been a good friend and first officer to him.”

“But I did deny my deeper feelings for him.”

“Yeah, you did.” McCoy sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “That was really hard for him. Telling you how he felt. He doesn’t do that.”

“Nor do I.”

“I always said you were a couple of idiots,” McCoy scoffed.  “Look, I know you’re not a touchy feely guy. And I know all about Vulcans and their lack of emotions. How repressed they are.”

“We do not view it as being repressed,” Spock said primly. “We simply favor logic over emotional outbursts.”

The doctor waved his hand at that. “Whatever. The point is, you hurt Jim when he told you he loved you, and to be honest I wanted to bash your face in.”

“To try would have been unwise.”

“Yeah, yeah, Vulcan strength. You’re with him now, and okay, I’ve got nothing to say about that.”

“You seem to be talking a lot for someone who has nothing to say.”

“Funny. Jim loves you. A lot. I think he has for a long time. He doesn’t love easily. Trusts even less easily. So I guess what I’m saying here, Spock, is…don’t blow it.”

“I have no intention of ‘blowing it’, doctor.”

“Well…good then. It’s too bad you couldn’t have worked this all out before you hurt him.”

Spock had nothing to say to that, for the doctor was correct.

McCoy stood. “All right. I’ve been traveling most of the day and am exhausted. So I’ll leave you two lovebirds for now. I’ll be by tomorrow night for dinner with the other you.”

“He is not the other me,” Spock said, rising and walking McCoy to the door. “There is only one me.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I believe he intends to go by Selek now.”

“He’s still a pain in the ass hobgoblin to me,” McCoy said, but fondly. “Tell Jim good night for me.”

After McCoy’s departure, Spock went to check on Jim. He was just getting out of the shower and had only wrapped a towel around his waist.

“Bones leave?”

“Yes, just now.”

“He give you his lecture?”

Spock arched his brow. “You knew he intended to lecture me?”

“He’s always lecturing someone.” Jim walked over to him and looped his arms around Spock’s neck. “So now that we’re alone—we are alone, right?”

“Indeed.”

“Why don’t I not get dressed and you get undressed?”

Spock was surprised to find that he was instantly aroused. Well, it was not that surprising. A mostly naked Jim was in his arms. Rather than waste words, he simply undid the towel and let it drop to the floor, revealing all of his naked mate.

He lifted Jim in his arms and carried him the short way to their bed and placed him gently there.

Jim’s lips were curved into a sensual smile. “Don’t forget the lube.”

Spock blinked. “You wish to engage in intercourse?” So far they had only engaged in hand jobs and oral sex. Spock left it to Jim to decide when it would be more.

Jim licked his lips and nodded. Spock’s pulse spiked up. He quickly discarded his clothes and reached into the bedside table for the lube that had been waiting for just this moment. He knelt on the bed.

“You are certain?”

“Yes, geez, Spock. Do I have to beg?”

Spock allowed himself a small smile at that. “That is an intriguing prospect.”

Jim laughed, which made Spock’s breath hitch. He threaded his fingers with Jim’s and held his arms above his head while he pushed down to kiss him.

Spock did not like to feel so intently, but with Jim, he could not restrain the overwhelming emotions assailing him. It was this—this intensity—that had scared him away in the first place. But to not have this man…impossible.

“Stop thinking so much,” Jim whispered against Spock’s lips. “Don’t be in your head, be with me.”

“I was thinking about you, ashayam.”

“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“You are the beautiful one,” Spock replied.

“Let’s call it a draw then.”

Spock let Jim feel his amusement as he released Jim’s hands. Then his lips were on Jim’s again, drawing moans of pleasure from his mate as he slid his hands down Jim’s torso. He broke their kiss to trail his lips down to the pulse point of Jim’s throat, sucking a bruise there.

“Should you be marking your commanding officer?”

“We are not on duty.”

His mouth moved to one of Jim’s nipples and he sunk his teeth in there, causing Jim to yelp and rise off the mattress. _Curious_.

“You like that, Jim?”

“I like everything with you.” His blue eyes were shining. “You think you might fuck me sometime soon?”

“You are impatient.”

“I’ve waited a long time for this. For you.”

Spock nodded solemnly. “I would wait an eternity for you.”

“Lovely.” Jim smiled. “But I hope not literally, because God damn it, Spock, fuck me already.”

He surprised a laugh out of Spock. Only Jim could make him laugh. It sounded ill-used, and it was, of course. Spock reached for the lubricant he had taken out of the bedside table and leaned back on his haunches to squeeze it all over his fingers.

“Stroke yourself,” Jim said softly.

“Jim.”

“That’s an order.”

“I am certain you are not permitted to order me to stroke myself.”

“Spock!”

Spock sloshed out more lube and slid his fist up and down his own cock. It was good—oh so good—but it was not enough. He wanted to be impaled inside his mate, who now looked at him with such love and lust, Spock shook.

With a tremble he could not control, Spock slipped two fingers inside Jim, watching Jim for any sign of distress. There was none. Jim’s pupils were blown wide and he was panting. He thrust his fingers inside Jim a few more times, before withdrawing them and poising his cock at the entrance to Jim’s ass.

Spock held Jim’s gaze as he slowly pushed in. He wanted to make sure Jim knew, recognized, it was him that was taking him. No one else. And no one else would ever hurt him again. Spock would make sure.

Jim’s eyelids were half closed but he continued to stare at Spock intently as he imbedded himself in Jim.

“There is no one for me but you,” Spock whispered as he began to move within his mate.

“Spock,” Jim moaned hoarsely. He reached for his own cock and began to stroke himself, his eyes still on Spock, his every movement.

It would not be long. Neither of them would—could—last. They were too wired, too sensitive to each other, to the sensations of as at last being joined body and soul.

Spock’s fingers rose toward Jim’s face, just for a shallow surface meld. He needed Jim. Needed to touch his mind even as he drove into his body.

“Spock, oh God, Spock,” Jim groaned over and over. He rose up, trying to get Spock’s cock even deeper inside him. Spock was happy to oblige. Jim’s blue eyes were glazed over, his lips parted.

“Yes, ashayam, come,” Spock urged.

Jim’s cock jumped in his fist and then began to shoot out pearly white all over Jim’s stomach and up on Spock’s chest. The sight of Spock’s mate coming was too much. His own body jerked as his balls tightened and with his release, he emptied himself into Jim.

When Spock could move, he withdrew from Jim and pulled him close, nearly on top of him, and stroked his hands all over Jim’s skin.

“That was—”

“Nothing ever like it,” Spock said.

“Never. Amazing.”

“Indeed.”

Jim kissed his chest. “When can we do it again?”

“You will be the death of me,” Spock murmured.

Jim chuckled and sighed. “Now I need another shower.”


	41. Thinking Out Loud

“Are you hiding out here?”

Jim smiled at his mom as she came to stand beside him on the balcony of the apartment. “Nah. I just needed some air. And some peace, I guess.”

“Peace?” She shook her head. “Your guests haven’t even arrived. Then you’ll need peace.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Jim joked. “How’s Chris’ wife?”

“Good. She asks about you all the time. You really should go and see her.”

Jim grimaced.

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid. Well, not like frightened or anything.” Jim sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s just. It’s hard to think about him without breaking down.”

“Think how she feels.”

Jim glanced at her briefly then turned his attention to the view once more. “I do. And that’s what I don’t want to deal with. I can’t handle my own pain, let alone someone else’s.”

She put her hand on his arm. “You’re stronger than you know.”

“Ever think I don’t want to be strong?”

“Honey, people die. Life ends for all of us at some point.”

“You think I don’t know that, Mom? I fucking died myself.”

She closed her eyes and hugged him to his surprise. “I know, honey. But you have to learn to deal with changes in your life. Things end, things begin. Same with life. It’s ever changing. Chris died but he lives on in your memories. And in hers.”

“I’ll try to see her,” he mumbled against her.

“Okay.” She squeezed him and released him. She touched her hand to his cheek. “My handsome boy.”

Then she let her hand drop from his face and she turned and went back into the apartment.

That had probably been the perfect chance to tell her about Sam, but Jim couldn’t make himself do it. He was being selfish, he supposed.

And speaking of, he needed to go back in and greet his guests. He invited them. He clutched the railing and looked down to the street below. He could envision himself climbing over that railing, jumping and landing splat on the pavement.

Frantic, panicked anxiety suddenly filled him, making his heart ache physically in his chest. He winced.

_Fuck_.

He turned from the railing and headed for the door just as Spock opened it, his dark eyes wide with fear.

“Baby, I’m not,” Jim assured him, throwing himself into Spock’s arms. Spock’s arms came tightly around him. “It was nothing. Just a fleeting thought.”

“Why do you have such thoughts?” Spock whispered.

“I just—I can’t turn off my mind, Spock. It was nothing. I swear.”

Spock continued to hold him very close. He could feel Spock trembling.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said softly. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Selek and the doctor will arrive any minute,” Spock said, but he still did not release Jim.

Jim slid his hand under Spock’s shirt to his side where his heart lay. It was still beating far too fast. Even for Vulcans.

His throat raw and painful, Jim asked, “This is why you didn’t want to be with me, isn’t it?”

“Explain.” Spock  said so low that Jim could barely hear him.

“Because you’re never quite sure just what I’m going to do. My emotional instability frightens you. That’s why you said you couldn’t return my feelings.”

“It was never really a choice,” Spock answered. “It is here, it is part of me, as are you.”

Jim managed to pull back just enough so he could cup Spock’s face. He kissed him deeply. “I love you. I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. In this universe.”

“I feel the same,” Spock replied in a shaky voice.

Jim felt a splatter of a rain drop. He laughed a little. “We should go inside. It’s about to downpour.”

“Promise me you will never leave me.” Spock gripped him tighter.

“I promise, baby.”

Spock nodded. They both knew such a promise was illogical and they both believed it anyway.

They went inside and Jim closed and locked the sliding door behind him, with Spock hovering very close by. He guessed he deserved it. Him and his stupid thoughts. He still had to get used to that connected mind thing.

When he turned around, Spock was right there. “You want me to make you tea?”

“I am capable.” But Spock made no move toward the kitchen.

Jim smiled. “I know you’re capable, sweetheart. I’ll start making a pot. I am sure Selek will want some too. And some coffee for me, Mom, and Bones.”

He went around his Vulcan statue and into the kitchen. Spock waited ten seconds before he followed Jim in.

“Why don’t you go sit in the living room?”

“You think I am being illogical,” Spock stated, arching a brow.

“Just a little. I really am sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean to scare you. Humans have weird thoughts sometimes that are meaningless. Okay?”

Spock nodded. “Very well. I will stop hovering.”

“Please.”

Spock exited the kitchen and with a shake of his head, Jim set about making tea and coffee. 


	42. Brotherly Love

Jim had just finished making the drinks when the doorbell rang. By the time he made it to the door, Spock met him in the hallway.

It was Spock who opened the door.

Jim grinned at the sight of Selek standing next to a scowling Bones. They both looked wet from the rain. He loved them both.

_Not as much as you._

_I did not believe otherwise_.

Jim flashed a grin at Spock, then turned to Bones and Selek. “Come on in.”

“It’s been raining, you know,” Bones grumbled.

“I know. I have coffee ready for you.”

“That won’t make me dry, kid.”

“Want to wear one of my shirts? Or maybe one of Spock’s robes?”

“I’m not dressing like a hobgoblin.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You could have worn a coat. Come on, I’ll get you a shirt.”

He led Bones to his bedroom and rummaged in the closet for a shirt. The whole time he was aware of Bones watching him very carefully.

He chose a shirt and held it out to Bones. “Well?”

“You know I’m concerned for you,” Bones said, pulling off his wet shirt and replacing it with the dry one Jim had given him. “You admitted to me you’ve been cutting, kid.”

“Are you ever going to stop calling me a kid?”

“No, and you’re deflecting.”

“I also told you I wasn’t cutting anymore.”

“You have triggers, Jim. Is Spock aware of them? Other than being one himself.”

“Bones.”

Bones just stared at him while he buttoned up the shirt Jim had given him.

“Yes. We’re connected or something. He knows everything. Do you want a pair of pants?”

“I doubt I’d fit into your pants. You have that bubble butt thing going on.”

Jim grinned. “I always knew you had a thing for my ass.”

“Who doesn’t?’ Bones rolled his eyes and left Jim’s bedroom.

Jim found Selek and Spock standing stiffly in the living room pretending to peacefully co-exist, but Jim felt the tension between them. He’d been tempted to greet Selek with a hug, but wasn’t quite sure Spock would appreciate his open affection for the elder Spock.

He opened his mouth to say something to break the heavy silence when there was a knock on their front door. With a frown, Jim said, “Be right back. Maybe Mom forgot her key.”

Jim opened the door and stared out at the man standing there. He was pretty sure his mouth hung open. The man wore a gray hooded jacket.

“Can we go somewhere to talk?” he asked Jim.

“What? I—”

“It’s important.”

Jim felt pain in his chest as his lungs constricted. “Spock, I’ll be back,” he called, then stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

He fell into step with the hooded man, practically a stranger, really, though Jim knew all too well who he was.

They didn’t say a word until they got out of the apartment building. The rain had changed to a very light mist but Jim hardly felt it as he turned on the man.

“I don’t think I’m looking at a ghost, so what the fuck, Sam?”

Sam eyed him, similar blue eyes staring at him from a mostly unfamiliar face. “Let’s go somewhere dry. It’s not my plan to get you soaked.”

“What is your plan?”

Sam merely shook his head and placed his hand on Jim’s elbow, directing him down the street, past a clothing store, a jewelry store and then a bank. There was a small bakery after that, which had maybe six chairs and tables. Sam drew him inside and pushed him toward the corner table.

“Why did I hear you were dead?” Jim demanded, barely waiting for Sam’s butt to hit the chair. “Fuck. I almost told Winona.”

“You probably should have. Once I leave here today, you won’t ever see me again.”

“Running away again?”

But Sam didn’t even flinch. “I heard you were making inquiries and that’s why I came to find you. I went to Riverside first.”

“I left there.”

“I know. Beats me why you ever went back there. Once you were safely out of Riverside you should never have looked back.”

“Why did you?”

“I told you. Looking for you.”

Jim shook his head. Anger and sorrow fought for prominence in his emotions. He didn’t know which to give in to. “Why? You never bothered before.”

Sam didn’t answer directly. Instead he said, “It was me who put out the information that I’m dead. I want it to stay that way, Jim. I don’t live that life anymore. George Samuel Kirk is dead.”

“So, why are you here then?”

“I owe you an explanation.”

“You owed me a lot of things, Sam, and you never cared.”

“I did care,” Sam insisted. “I couldn’t stand being there anymore, Jimmy. It was killing me.”

For several seconds the raw pain in his throat prevented Jim from speaking.

“I know you hate me,” Sam said softly.

“You have no idea,” Jim whispered.

“I have a pretty good idea.”

“No, you don’t. You left me there to-to be his sexual plaything. You didn’t care about me. Or anyone. You could have taken me with you. You could have rescued me from that hell, but instead you left me there.” Jim looked away from his brother. “To be passed around among him and his friends.”

“You’re right. What I did was unbelievably selfish. All I thought about was my own situation.” Sam blew out a breath. “There were many times I thought about going back for you.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t.”

“No. But I was close one time. And then I found out you’d gone to Tarsus Iv. I figured at least you were away from him. You’d be fine.”

“Well, look how well that worked out,” Jim said, unable to keep the bitterness from his tone.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” Jim sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe somewhere in there you have a conscience and you feel some tiny bit of guilt. But the truth, the real deeper truth is, you’re glad you got away, you’re glad it wasn’t you.”

It was Sam’s turn to look away, out the window onto the street. “It’s worked out for you. I heard you’re a Starfleet hero now.”

“Yeah, and that makes everything else that happened totally all right.”

“I know it doesn’t,” Sam said roughly.

“What are you doing here, Sam?”

“I guess I wanted to see you. All these years I thought you didn’t want to know anything about me. I’d put out the information that I had disappeared and then that I was dead. But you were probing and I thought—maybe I could see him and he’d know I’m not the monster he thinks I am.”

“I don’t think you’re a monster, Sam. But just because we’re blood related doesn’t mean we have to give a fuck about each other. I cared once. I was desperate for you to care too. But you didn’t.”

“So, that’s it? You’ll never forgive me?”

Jim closed his eyes. “No, I don’t think I can.”

He heard the scrape of the chair and knew Sam had stood.

“Goodbye, Jim.”

Jim didn’t even respond. Just listened to the footsteps of his brother once again walking away.

He opened his eyes when he felt the gentlest touch of Spock’s fingers on his. Spock was sitting where Sam had been sitting.

Jim smiled. “How long have you been here?”

“Long enough,” Spock replied. “You departed abruptly.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you wish me to send my counterpart and the doctor away?”

“No. I’ll get it together.”

He was only aware that a tear had fallen on his cheek when Spock wiped it with his thumb.

“You do not need to _‘get it together’_ , Jim.”

Jim laughed a little. “Except I do. I’ve hurt too much from Sam as it is. I need to let it go. He’s never going to be brother of the year. I shouldn’t care.”

“Yet you do.”

“Stupid, I know.”

“Caring is not stupid, Jim. Will you come home with me?” Spock stood and held out his hand. Jim placed his hand in Spock’s and Spock drew him to his feet. “What will you tell your mother?”

“The truth. She deserves to know it.”

Spock nodded and to Jim’s surprise he held onto Jim’s hand as they left the bakery and walked back toward their apartment and their guests. 


	43. My Heart...Always

When Spock opened the door of their apartment, Jim went and walked over to Dr. McCoy immediately, embracing him.

Spock caught the startled look on the doctor’s face, but he recovered quickly and returned Jim’s hug. McCoy gaze rose to Spock and Spock nodded.

“Thank you,” Jim said as he pulled away at last. He smiled at the doctor. “For everything.”

Dr. McCoy gave Jim a rare smile in return and ruffled Jim’s hair.

“Is Mom here?” Jim asked.

“She’s in the kitchen talking to the other hobgoblin,” McCoy said.

Jim laughed. “Bones.” He shook his head and went into the kitchen leaving Spock alone with McCoy.

“So?”

“His brother paid him a visit,” Spock explained. “It did not go particularly well.”

“I see.” McCoy nodded. “I don’t imagine it would.”

“I suspect he is out of Jim’s life for good.”

“And that doesn’t surprise me either. Too many people in his life have abandoned him.”

The way McCoy was giving Spock the side-eye, Spock knew the doctor was issuing some sort of challenge to him.

“I will not,” Spock told him quietly.

“If you do, I will hunt you down and kill you.” McCoy spoke rather cheerfully, but Spock suspected the doctor very much meant it.

“I assure you there is no need for threats, doctor. I will remain forever by his side.”

“Took you long enough to get it,” McCoy muttered. “Stupid hobgoblin.”

Spock arched a brow just as Jim came out of the kitchen with his arm looped into the arm of his elderly counterpart. The old Vulcan had a definite sparkle in his eyes as he looked at Jim.

It was illogical, of course, to feel any sort of jealousy toward someone who was essentially his older self. It was completely logical that his counterpart would be enamored of Jim, given he himself was. Likewise it made sense that Jim would be very fond of the older Vulcan given his recognition of him also being Spock.

Still Spock felt his ears twitch at the blatant way the old Vulcan glowed in Jim’s presence. It would be, perhaps, rude to peel Jim’s arm off his counterpart and force him to Spock’s own side. So he did not. No matter how tempting.

****

“The meal was quite delicious, Winona,” Spock’s counterpart declared as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.

When they went to sit at the dining table, Spock had made sure that Jim was sitting next to him rather than his counterpart. On the other side of Jim, Spock had placed Dr. McCoy, then the older Vulcan, with Winona Kirk sitting beside him.

The seating arrangement had earned him a curious look from his mate and a raised eyebrow from his counterpart, but no actual complaints.

“Thank you,” Winona murmured. “It was really a simple meal.”

“Well, it was delicious,” McCoy agreed. “Thank you for having me to dinner.” He stood. “I’ll help clear the table.”

“Me, too,” Jim declared, as he too rose. They gathered all the plates between the three of them and left Spock at the table alone with his counterpart.

“When are you returning to the colony?” Spock asked.

“You are not particularly subtle.”

“It was simply a matter of curiosity.”

The elder Vulcan looked amused. “Of course. It has nothing at all to do with your jealousy.”

“I am not jealous.”

“You forget, young one, I know you all too well.”

Spock stiffened. “We are not the same.”

“I believe that we are very alike, actually. Certainly in our affection for James Kirk.”

Spock softened as he recalled that his counterpart no longer had the benefit of his own bondmate with him. He should have more sympathy. “I know you must miss your own bondmate a great deal.”

“You have no idea,” the elder said quietly.

Spock thought of Jim’s vacant, far away stare as he died behind the glass. “I think I am more aware than you realize.”

“I am old and not long for this universe,” old Spock admitted. “While he views me with a great deal of affection, you have no need to be jealous. I am more of a father figure to him. His heart very much belongs to you, Spock.”

Spock nodded. “I am grateful for that. And for your presence in our lives.”

Jim came back out of the kitchen then, carrying a tray with teapots and desserts on it, so Spock stood and helped him with his burden. As Jim offered him a smile, Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s.

****

Spock found his mate a short time later alone in the kitchen fussing with a coffeemaker he had set up so that he could provide coffee for Dr. McCoy. He wrapped his arms around Jim from behind.

Jim leaned back against Spock with a smile. “Hey, you.”

“You have been very quiet tonight.”

“I hoped you wouldn’t notice.”

Spock kissed Jim’s round ear. “I always notice. You can hide nothing from me, t’hy’la.”

Jim sighed. “And that’s still really invasive.”

“It is not meant to be.”

“I know. It’s just—”

“You have been hiding and guarding your thoughts all your life.”

“Yeah. You have no idea how long I kept my love for you secret.”

Spock closed his eyes. “You had reason to do so. I was not very welcoming.”

“No,” Jim agreed. “You were not.”

“I have regrets. It is a weakness of mine.”

Jim shook his head. “It’s not a weakness to wish things had been different.”

“It is for Vulcans.”

Jim turned around to face Spock, looping his arms around Spock’s neck. “That comes from your human side then.”

Spock inclined his head. “You have deflected my concern but I have not forgotten it.”

Jim frowned. “Which was?”

“It is unlike you to allow others to monopolize the conversation while you sit quietly by.”

“Are you saying I talk too much?”

“Jim.”

“I’m sad, Spock. I am. I know I shouldn’t be. I have so much good in my life now. I know I do.”

“You grieve the loss of your brother.”

“But I have a brother in Bones.”

“That does not negate the loss of Sam in your life.”

“It should.”

Spock pulled Jim close. “It should not. One person does not replace another. You have a right to your feelings, ashaya.”

Jim nodded against him. “It hurts.”

It hurt Spock too, for he wished to keep Jim from all harm now. “I know. It probably always will.”

“I’m restless.”

Spock kissed the top of Jim’s head. “Are you? You wish to be back on the Enterprise,” he surmised.

“Yeah. That’s where I belong. Where we belong.” Jim leaned away to smile at Spock. “I love you.”

“And that is the greatest gift I have ever received.” Spock kissed Jim softly. “You are my heart. Always.”

“What does someone have to do to get coffee around here?” McCoy demanded as he entered the kitchen. He scowled at them. “Don’t you have a bedroom for all that mushy stuff?”

“Bones,” Jim said with a laugh.

“I know, I know. I’ll get my own coffee.”


	44. Great Expectations

Jim found his mother sitting on a bench in the park. She had a book in her hand and an iced tea beside her.

“Hello, Mama.”

She smiled gently. “It must be bad if you’re calling me ‘Mama’. You haven’t called me that since you were just a little boy.” She patted the bench.

Jim sat beside her. “So I called you Mama? I don’t know why, but that’s stupidly sweet.”

“It was. You were. You were just a little thing then. Two, maybe three. You would hug me around the shins.” She shook her head. “That was before…you know.”

Too well.

“Yeah.”

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Spock said you’d gone for a walk. And I know you better than you think.” Jim picked up the book, his lips curving. “Great Expectations.”

“A classic, you know.”

“I know.” He set it back down.

“You’re just like me, you know. That’s why you know me, Jim. I suppose you know me better than anyone ever has or ever will.” She stuck the straw of her tea into her mouth and sucked. “I wanted you to be like George. Oh, the physical resemblance is there. But you-you’re my son.”

“Not such a bad thing.”

“You used to think differently. So? What is it then?”

Jim reached over and tucked a stray blonde strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s about Sam.”

“They found his body?”

He shook his head. “No. He came to see me.”

Her expression didn’t change but she blinked rapidly. “I don’t understand.”

“He’s alive,” Jim said softly. “But he doesn’t want anything to do with us.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her hands. “Not sure I really blame him. About me anyway.” She glanced up. “Is that what he told you?”

“Yeah. He disappeared because he wanted to. Guess the last thing he wants is to be a Kirk.”

 “I really screwed up, didn’t I?”

“Maybe we all did, I don’t know.” He took her tea and took a sip of it. “I figure you did the best you could. You made bad choices. I can’t deny that.”

She smiled wanly. “Nor can I.”

“So, anyway. I figured you deserved the truth. No matter how shitty it is.”

She was quiet for a moment, staring out at the park. The bench she’d chosen was near a duck pond and there was a group, a family probably, feeding the ducks with bread. Funny thing was it was a man and woman and two small boys. The life they’d never had.

“You’re going out there again, aren’t you, Jim?”

“You knew that has always been my intention.”

“I know. I didn’t want you to. Ever. I had hoped you didn’t have what we’d had. That love of space, adventure.” She shook her head. “That’s part of why I latched on to Frank. He wanted nothing to do with space. And that seemed to be the ideal situation at the time.”

“Yeah, ideal.”

She winced.

“Sorry.”

“You have every right to be angry and hate me. The fact you haven’t ‘disappeared’ like Sam says more about you than it does me.” She picked at the hem of her sweater. “Space has taken so much away from me. I just-I don’t want it to take you away, too.”

“It won’t.”

She shook her head. “You don’t know that. George and I once believed we’d live forever.”

“No one can predict the future, Mom. But going back out there? I just have to. It’s where I belong, regardless of the risks.”

“You already died once. You won’t be able to beat it the next time,” she whispered.

“I know that, too. But I don’t go out there expecting to die.”

“No one does.” She sighed. “And Spock? He’s going out there with you too.”

“Yeah. Starfleet is aware of our change in status. They won’t separate bondmates. Spock wanted to be sure they were very aware of our connection. We didn’t think they’d split us, but they can be difficult. Spock didn’t want to take any chances.”

“Perhaps I can be forgiven for inviting him to Iowa then.” She was smiling again.

He smiled too. “Perhaps. What will you do? Staying in San Francisco?”

“No,” she said wistfully. “There are too many memories here. I’ll go back to Riverside like I said.”

“Talk about memories.”

“Yeah, but there are good ones too. The house is gone, but I’ll build a new one.”

“With Earl?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. Would that be terrible?”

Jim smiled and patted her hand. “Not if he makes you happy. Does he?”

“Content,” she replied. “He makes me content. I don’t think anyone but George has ever made me happy.” She reached for his hand and threaded her fingers with his. “What about you? Does Spock make you happy?”

Jim closed his eyes and leaned against her. “I’m not sure I even know what happiness is.” He shook his head. “Maybe I can find out. Ask me again sometime.”

She put her arm around him and pulled him close. He opened his eyes and they both watched the family who had been feeding the ducks walk away.

“That might have been us,” she said.

“Nah. That was never the life meant for us.” He pulled away and looked at her. “And that’s okay. Isn’t it?”

“That’s okay,” she agreed. “What are you doing here anyway? Hanging around an old lady.”

“I’m supposed to be meeting with Nyota Uhura for tea or whatever. Few minutes from now.” He grimaced.

She laughed. “Is she really that awful?”

“I don’t think it’s ever fun to meet with the person your husband used to sleep with,” Jim said with a sigh. “I try to be an adult. But she used to be all up in him, you know? Kissing him right in front of me.”

“I’m sure she didn’t realize you were in love with him, honey.”

“I know.” He ran his hand through his hair. He stood up, and then leaned down to kiss her cheek. “See you later?”

“Yeah, see you.”

****

When he arrived at the tea place Spock and Uhura were already waiting, of course. He went to their table and sat down. They both wore dark pants and dark sweaters. How matchy matchy.

“You are late,” Spock said.

“Obviously.” He smiled. “It’s good to see you, Uhura.”

“You, too, Captai—Commodore,” Uhura corrected quickly with a look at Spock. “I need to go to the ladies room. I’ll be right back.”

Jim pursed his lips. “Are you two dressing alike now?”

Spock arched a brow. “You have had a bad morning.”

He sighed. “Not really. Just…intense. With my mom.”

Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s. “Nyota has decided she would like to remain serving on the Enterprise, provided you approve.”

“Yeah? So you already talked to her?”

“I did. If I have overstepped—”

“No, no. Not at all. I’m glad you talked to her. I’ve been dreading it.”

“Dreading it?”

“Okay, maybe harsher than required. But you know. I didn’t want to.”

Spock curled his fingers around Jim’s palm. “There is no need.”

Jim didn’t pretend he didn’t know what Spock meant. “I know.”

“I hope that you do. Nyota is my friend and has been for a long time. Nothing more.”

“And she’s an excellent communications officer.”

“Thank you, Jim,” Uhura said, appearing at their table, grinning. “Spock told you I’m staying?”

Jim smiled. “He did indeed. And I think it’s great.”

“Yeah?” she asked as she retook her seat.

“I can’t imagine you on any other ship.”

She seemed very pleased. “Me either.”

Jim picked up the cup of tea Spock just poured for him. He held it aloft toward them. “To the Enterprise.”

Uhura grinned and clanked hers against his. “Cheers.”

Spock shook his head and mumbled something that sounded like ‘illogical’ but he touched his cup to theirs, just the same. 


	45. Epilogue: When I Fall in Love, It Will be Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love Eternal

“Come, sit with me.”

Jim smiled at the sight of Spock sitting in an Adirondack chair on their back porch. There was a light autumn breeze and the sun was making its way down as leaves swirled down in their fruit orchard.

“I’ll have to get a chair.”

Spock shook his head and patted his leg. “Sit here.”

“Spock, I can sit on my own.”

“I know it. I wish for this.”

Jim used his cane to take the few steps over to the chair, then he plopped down into Spock’s lap. ”You don’t think I’m too heavy?”

“Shh.” Spock wrapped his arms around Jim’s middle “I will listen to no such talk.”

Jim leaned back against him. “Think we should have gone for the beach house in San Francisco instead?”

“It was more credits.”

“Well, yeah I know. But the view—”

“Considerably more credits.”

“The winters here are bleak though.”

“I do not find it unpleasant to snuggle by the fire with you while the snow falls outside.”

Jim smiled. “I like that too. Is it weird to come back to Riverside though after everything?”

Spock shook his head. “I found my t’hy’la here.”

“Long ago now,” Jim said with a sigh.

“Yes. For both of us. We were young and fit then.” Spock’s hand touched the crown of Jim’s head gently and his fingers moved to massage Jim’s head. “You are feeling well, ashayam?”

“I’m feeling fine, Spock. You worry too much.”

“I will always worry about you,” Spock admitted.

“Do you think it’s weird being the only two left?” Jim wondered, snuggling into his husband.

“We have both outlived them by decades, my Jim,” Spock reminded him.

“Yeah. I guess Khan’s blood had some unforeseen consequences.” They hadn’t known then. They certainly knew now.

“Benefits. Having you with me for so much longer than I ever would have dreamed is most definitely a benefit.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to live this long with anyone but you, t’hy’la,” Jim whispered.

“And I feel as you do.”

“What were you thinking when you decided to come out here?” Jim wondered. They had a big southwestern blanket wrapped around them, but the breeze was still cooling. On the edge of the porch by the steps were pumpkins and gourds they had set out as the summer days turned to fall.

“Soon enough the weather will turn too cold for either of us to sit out here for long,” Spock murmured. “I enjoy our time together on the porch.”

“Me too.” He touched his fingers to Spock’s in a kiss and by mutual decision they stayed that way. “I miss them all though, you know. They were all my friends. Our friends.”

“I find myself missing them as well.”

Jim leaned back to look at Spock with a smile. “Even Bones?”

Spock smiled slightly in return. “Especially Dr. McCoy.”

Jim pressed his lips to Spock’s. “I so adore you.”

Spock closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “You are my heart.”

They sat quietly then, for a while. Even now Jim could never stand to be quiet for long, much to Spock’s amusement.

“You want soup for dinner?”

“That would be agreeable.” Spock massaged Jim’s head once more. “Are you lonely, my beloved?”

Jim swallowed. “Not really. I mean, sometimes, yeah. I really miss Bones. A lot. We were closer than most brothers. Hell, I _was_ closer to him than Sam, who didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. But he had a good long life. And I miss Mom. I even miss Earl. He grew on me over the years.”

“I miss my father also. And Nyota.”

Jim waited for the tightness in his chest to materialize at the mention of Uhura as it once used to but it didn’t come. He smiled. “I do too.”

“If you wish, we could take a trip somewhere. San Francisco, for instance.”

For several years, they had both taught at the academy there, after they’d been grounded from space. But they had even retired from that. Jim had enjoyed his time when they were professors together but he didn’t really miss it. Not like he missed space and adventures.

“Maybe in the spring,” Jim replied. “I don’t much feel like traveling right now.”

Spock stiffened. “If you are unwell—”

Jim chuckled. “I’m fine, sweetheart. Just lazy. I like the idea of just staying here and snuggling with you by the fire every night.”

“The doctor did say during your last checkup that you still had many years ahead of you,” Spock said, letting out a shaky breath.

“Many. So don’t worry.” Jim touched Spock’s face. “I won’t leave you alone, Spock. I promise.”

“That is a promise you might be unable to keep.”

He shook his head. “We don’t know what this blood—super blood—will actually do. I may outlive you, Spock.” He didn’t want to think about that. But it was possible. They both knew it. They’d been into their second mission, then as a couple finally, when Bones had said, _“Damn it, Jim. You aren’t aging like you’re supposed to.”_ And it went from there, learning how the serum of Khan’s blood had changed him. “There’s no need to worry, babe.”

“Vulcans do not worry,” Spock gave the predicted response. For a moment his amusement lit up their bond with warmth and love.

Jim sighed and leaned against Spock once more.

“What?”

“Just thinking of that Thanksgiving all those years ago. Remember?”

“Your mother tried to make a presentable Thanksgiving, but you were trying to fight her. She made quinoa dressing with apples, sweet potatoes and hazelnuts.”

“Oh, my God. You remember that?”

“I do. I had never had Thanksgiving before. My mother adapted herself to Vulcan ways.” Spock paused. “I often wondered if it was difficult for her not to be able to express more of her own preferences and culture. My father was not altogether welcoming of such things.”

“I never thought of it that way. That’s kind of what I do with you, isn’t it?”

Spock frowned minutely. “T’hy’la?”

“I don’t let you do your Vulcan things and I push my human stuff on you. Kind of the opposite of what you were saying about your mom.”

“It was not only you. I had to adapt because of Starfleet, Jim. And I still have a meditation room and have for many years. I have never felt you tried to dismiss my Vulcan side.”

Jim’s gaze searched his. “Yeah? You’re sure?”

“I am sure.”

Jim stroked his thumb over Spock’s bottom lip. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to adapt anything for me. I know we’ve been together for years now, but I love you, Spock. For you, because of you. Whatever. Everything you are is part of me.”

“I know. And I feel the same, ashayam. Never try to hide your emotions from me. I welcome them.”

Jim smiled. “You didn’t always.”

“No,” Spock agreed. The breeze blew up the corners of their blanket. “Shall we go inside?”

Jim stood, reaching for his cane. As Spock stood, he steadied Jim. “I wouldn’t even need this damn thing if I hadn’t shattered my knee that time.”

“I recall.” Spock took his arm and they walked into the warm house together. “I will start the fire if you will heat some water for tea.”

“Deal.” Jim went into the kitchen and almost cheated by using the replicator that had been installed years ago now. This house—of course—had not been the original. It was the one his mom and Earl had built after Jim had burned down the old farmhouse. It had been repaired and added to since then. After his mom and Earl passed away, Jim had sold the place. But then later, when they had finally retired for good, he and Spock bought it back. Jim never felt haunted here. Only peace, love, and contentment.

Spock’s arms came around him. “You are slow.”

Jim chuckled as he filled the teakettle. “I get in my head sometimes.”

“I know, I am there.”

“That’s right, you are.” Jim turned in Spock’s arms and looped his arms around Spock’s neck, leaving his cane to lean against the kitchen cabinet. “Want to get frisky?”

Amusement warmed their bond again.

“What you thought I’d change?” Jim grinned.

“Never. You are perfect. The fire has been started. You may sit on the couch and I will bring the tea.”

Jim’s smile faded. “I can bring it, you know. I can still carry stuff with the cane.”

“I am well aware you are capable of that and more, Jim. However, you must know after all these years that I wish to take care of you.” Spock’s tone was quiet, almost shy, and Jim felt a twinge of guilt at his reaction.

“I’m sorry. I do know that. You can ignore my grumpy ass.”

“No apology is necessary.” Spock kissed his forehead. “Wait by the fire.”

Jim grabbed his cane and went out to the living room to sit on the couch with the fire warming him. For a moment as he lay the cane down beside him, his thoughts turned to Christopher Pike. Which was kind of strange. It had been many years since he thought of Pike. This time it no longer brought him sadness to think of Pike. Jim smiled.  

Spock appeared with a tray holding their tea, which he set on the coffee table. Then he took his place on the sofa and bid Jim to lie across him like he always did.  

“What about the tea?” Jim murmured as he settled into Spock’s arms.

“It will keep.”

Jim nodded. “Am I enough, Spock? Really?”

Lips ghosted across his forehead. “I have never needed anyone but you.”

_I love you._

_And I you._

“And you, my Jim, am I enough for you?”

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s middle and plastered to him as close as he could. “Spock, I waited my whole life for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even tell you how very sad it makes me to conclude this one. I started this almost a year ago and though I am pretty sure I could write this Jim and Spock for many months, maybe years, to come, I think they and their readers deserve a happily ever after conclusion. This Jim is my favorite that I have written and he touches me like none other. So yeah when I wrote this, I cried a bit. But I wanted to send these two out with a special conclusion, because they so deserved it. I hope you agree. Thank you, as usual, for reading.


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